The Ames Tribune's Schedule for the Iowa Straw PollSubmitted by retrorepublican on Sat, 08/04/2007 - 23:44
DES MOINES - The Iowa Republican Party's straw poll in Ames is just days away. You can already feel the electricity.
Skeptical? Just feast your eyes on this (fake) schedule of straw poll events.
9 a.m. - Flat Tax Flapjacks Feed, sponsored by the American Federation of Tax Flatteners. Church-basement-strength coffee provided by Concerned Americans for Caffeine-free Worship.
9:30 a.m. - Ceremonial inflation of a five-stories-tall Mitt Romney colossus. Location: Just west of Hilton Coliseum.
10 a.m. - Straw poll voting begins......
10: 15 a.m. - Ann Coulter's "Cooking with Liberals" class. CANCELED.
10:30 a.m. - "Up with Moderates" rally. Location: Public phone booth on the west side of Hilton Coliseum.
10:45 a.m. - "A Convenient Truth - The Myth of Climate Change" rally. Location: Future site of Iowa State University's banana plantation on Elwood Drive.
11 a.m. - "Freedom to be Fashionable" An American Flag Necktie Fashion Show. Location: Scheman Building.
11 a.m. - "Impeach Hillary" rally at Jack Trice Stadium. Hey, it's never too early to get started, just in case.
11 a.m. - Fox News Truth Booth opens. First 1,000 visitors can register for a dream date with Brit Hume.
11:05 a.m. - Unveiling of the new and improved Wall Street Journal. Meet Candy Cassady, the Journal's new Page 3 Patriot Girl, live and in person.
11:10 a.m. Workshops.
"How to defeat a Clinton" - former House speaker Newt Gingrich. Location: American Solutions Tent.
"Openness in American Democracy" - Vice President Dick Cheney. Location: None of your bee's wax. CANCELED
11:30 a.m. - The Rapture occurs.
11:35 a.m. - Sam Brownback drops out of the presidential race.
11:40 a.m. - Rudy Giuliani reconsiders and arrives at the straw poll.
11:45 a.m. - Fred Thompson skydives into the straw poll with the world famous flying Elvises. Location: Hilton parking lot C3.
11:55 a.m. - John McCain campaign jet flyover.
Noon - Program begins, Hilton Coliseum.
12:45 p.m. - Candidate speeches:
Mitt Romney - "Fake Left, Run Right and Cross the Goal Line to Victory."
Tom Tancredo - "Good, Heavily Armed, Very High, Razor-Wired, Fully Electrified Fences Make Good Neighbors."
John Cox - "A Good Time to Head for the Concession Stand."
Ron Paul - "Hey, Don't You Dare Groan When I'm Talking to You."
Mike Huckabee - "I'm Reasonable, Articulate, Conservative, Smart and This is Probably My Last Speech as a Candidate."
Duncan Hunter - "Geez, Quit Checking Your Watches."
Tommy Thompson - "I've Been to All 99 Counties, I Ate 127 Tenderloins, and I Know How to Pronounce Nevada. You Owe Me."
6 p.m. - Voting Ends.
7 p.m. - Results are announced.
7:15 p.m. - Ron Paul Victory Party.
7:20 p.m. - Romney colossus deflation.
8 p.m. - Tommy Thompson spends the last remaining dollars in his campaign's war chest buying the house a round at Whiskey River in downtown Ames.