Official Announcement: Two e-mails I recieved today.

Official Announcement: The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

#2

> Not long ago my girlfriend insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to
> get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my girl is like most women - she
> loves to browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear partner received the following letter from our local
> Target.
>
> Dear Ms. Samsel,
>
> Over the past six months, your friend has caused quite a lot of commotion in
> our
> store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
> of you from the store. Our complaints against your boyfriend are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom..
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
> voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
> employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
> Supervisor that in
> turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
> costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
> and blankets from the bedding department, twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him he began crying
> and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
> the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
> using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
> through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
> the clerks passed out.
>
> I'm thinking of filing suit or sending them at least a negative averment,
> what do you think would be best?