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The Global War on Peanuts...

Dr. Paul talks about a lot of important issues that affect Americans today, but I'm afraid he missed one...


Since more people are killed by peanut allergies every year on average than they are by terrorist attacks, I feel this is an area that is central to our national security. I know a lot of Americans died in 2001 from terrorism, thanks to 9/11, but every year before and since peanut allergies have killed more people than terrorism.

It's obvious that the peanuts despise our way or life... our freedoms... our prosperity. They hide underground plotting and scheming our demise. They figure out ways to attack us when we're most vulnerable, when we gather at baseball parks and zoos. They really are an insidious bunch.

We need to get in touch with Dr. Paul and see if he can mention this in the next debate. Here's my proposal...

* $4 trillion dollars or so needs to be spent on a global war on peanuts.
* 6,000 American lives would be a small price to pay to stop this affront to our way of life.
* Grannies and 6-year old girls need to be strip-searched at the airports to ensure they aren't carrying peanuts.
* Peanut farmers need to be profiled and searched anywhere and everywhere they go.
* Mr. Peanut, the Planters Nut mascot is behind all this. We need to hunt him down and assassinate him. No trial needed.

Anyone else have anything to add? We cannot let this enemy out of our sights.

We must put a stop to peanuts!!!

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We can't really be sure

that some peanuts lurking in the snack tray of the airplanes on 9/11 weren't responsible for that disaster either.

We need to search the globe and root them out, at any expense.
It's been rumored that they are operating as smoothly as butter, hiding under cover between some crispy henchmen knnown as "Al Cracka".

So at this time I demand the passage of the Planter's Act, and the immediate formation of a new global law enforcement agency, called "The Peanut Gallery" to root these little demons out before they strike again, no matter where they are on the face of the globe.

Peanuts hide in bird food.

Peanuts hide in bird food. There should be an immediate law passed that disallows feeding wild birds. They also have parasites that could transfer to humans, and attracting them is detrimental to our safety. Many times peanuts are insinuated into environments by being shrouded in chocolate. This should be outlawed for our security. There should also be immediate mandatory vaccinations for those with this allergy AND those without, so it does not spread to our innocent children.

Funny. (Not that people die

Funny. (Not that people die from peanut allergies, but that people tend not to understand numbers very well and are very reactionary).