If I'd Written Obama's SOTU Speech last night (UpDated)

Here's how it would've gone:

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the Senate and the House and to the American people, tonight I'm going to talk about the state of our union.

What was once the greatest and wealthiest nation on earth, is now on a path to financial ruin. I can't take all the credit for this but I have been working very hard at it.

While millions remain jobless, the rich become super rich and the middle class is going down the drain, I have been golfing over 90 times since I was elected. I tirelessly took my family on a $4 million dollar vacation in Hawaii.

When the housing market collapsed, I focused solely on shoving health care down America's throat. While the Banksters caused the economic meltdown with excessive greed and shady dealings, I worked hard with the Federal Reserve to print trillions of dollars and squander it on toxic assets.

When the To Big to Fail companies (and my previous donors companies) were on the verge of collapse, I sent them trillions of dollars so they could ensure massive bonuses were doled out to the undeserving. Even Solyndra was a tremendous example of my failed policies. The taxpayers gave them half a billion dollars, which saved us over half a billion dollars because they asked for a trillion. Solyndra is one of many fine examples of me hooking up my friends and donors since you fools elected me President.

Once I became convinced our education system was a complete failure at the Federal level, I increased the Dept of Ed's budget by $10 Billion dollars a year. I mean, look, even the Sec of Ed is named Miss Spellings. Gotta love that irony, right? The Director of TSA is named Mr Pistol. I'm even thinking of legally changing my name to OBomba, just to keep this properly named Department Leaders name game going.

In fact, I'm reaching out to American's tonight because I'm in search of a new Czar. I really love creating new government agencies. Even Vermin Supreme agrees with me that the government knows how to run your lives better than you do.

So tonight, I'm announcing the new Czar position of Naming Apropos, for each Cabinet Member and Dept Head. The most appropriate named individual will get the position.

Moving on, when the failed Iraqi war began winding down, I had my administration undertake an act of war on Iran by beginning a Naval blockade in the Strait of Hormuz. We are scaling this up now.

When MF Global collapsed, I personally called John Corzine to congratulate him on a job well done. I mean, this guy earned over $600 million dollars by ripping off his clients. My kinda guy.

While I've been lying to the American people on everything from the War on Drugs to Operation Fast and Furious, George Soros gave a half billion dollars to my SuperPac. This guy is my Brotha from another Mutha.

Now look, about this whole birth certificate thing. A judge in Georgia ruled yesterday that I must show up to his courtroom on Thursday and provide my original birth certificate. I am basically screwed if I can't lie or buy my way out of this one. But then again, Club Fed is nice this time of year.

Look, let me be clear, the State of the Union is FUBAR and I will be wearing a hockey helmet on Air Force One for the remainder of my one and only term.

It was always my goal to improve the legacy of Jimmy Carter and I'm proud to announce to the American people that as of tonight, President Carter's legacy has been restored. He is no longer the worst President in American History.

Finally, you all know that when I bend you over, I've never been one to give a gracious reach-around. So in the past few weeks, I signed NDAA into law, I will sign SOPA if it comes across my desk and I will tell the Federal Reserve to continue printing endless rolls of new money, because I can and you can't, even without congressional approval. When I sold my soul to Goldman Sachs, I was rewarded with massive donations to my campaign and SuperPac, so do not screw with me in my impossible reelection bid.

Thank you, Screw you all and God Damn America.

Update!
The truth behind the words: What Obama really meant:

Even though I'm lying about everything I say, We all know it sounds good. I don't want the InsiderTrading Bill to come across my desk. I need things.

Look, even the Bailouts. I say No More, cuz' we're out of money. The Mint can't keep up with printing demand.

Look, I'm trying to steal as many Ron Paul themes as I can get away with, okay? I understand that Dr Paul is my biggest threat to reelection but you guys don't understand. I've sold out and I'm sorry. I really meant well, I did!

If I only knew then what I know now.

Therefore I resign, effective immediately and concede the General Election to Dr Ron Paul. We all know this is a no-brainer. This man has real solutions and he's the only one who has never flopped. Incorruptible, impeccable record and Rock Star political status.

I always thought that I, Barack Obama, was an epic historical figure. It turns out I am, but not how I imagined. I promised change and delivered bureaucratic carnage.

As a human being, I must step down and vacate the White House immediately and fully endorse Ron Paul.

Thank You