D.L. Crumpton: Fun With Pundits In The Wake Of Ron Paul's Rise Part Two: Mark LevinSubmitted by zeninthecar on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 00:14
Not far from the shadow of the Hannity we almost certainly will find his bestest friend ever, Mark Levin. Now I have to admit that I haven’t left my radio dial on his frequency for too awful long a time because hearing him leaves me emotionally distraught due to the fact that I love Bugs Bunny and the nasal tones from Mark Levin are indistinguishable from said wascally wabbit being strangled to death. I mean is it just me or whenever he goes to a caller you just know he’s gonna snap out with “What’s up doc?” followed by the crackling of a carrot and summarized with a gurgling choke. It isn’t my intention to belittle the man for his handicap in the area of producing actual sounds with vocal chords it’s just my intention to belittle him for being an insecure bloviator. I mean I can’t be the only one to pick up on the deep Freudian thing he has going which broadcasts to the world that he’s probably never been in a fist fight in his life (or at least one where he did anything other than curl up in the fetal position whilst singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” through sobbing tears of snot) and not only is he a little bitter about that but also relieved knowing full well that without a mute button it’s very difficult to come off as tough when at best your body’s peak condition is comparable to that of a ferangi spice merchant.
So Mark Levin has a problem. If we were in a more Viking like society, or say a society where the excessives were stripped away or it came down to a hunter\gatherer scenario and the guys with the clubs ruled the tribe subject only to the guys with the clubs attached to very big arms…Mark Levin would not fare so well. I think what I’m trying to say is that little Marky Mark was the guy that stood solitary after both dodge ball captains had picked their lot from the best to the least and aww shucks Marky we just can’t have uneven team numbers so you’ll just have to go over there and sit on the bleachers. This no doubt has scarred the fibers of Mark Levin’s psyche and forever propelled his destiny towards that of over compensating.
Luckily for him we do not live in a world where a person contributed real things for real people akin to the “primitive” tribes that live in the jungles of Africa or Australia lest they be dispatched with. Alas; we live in a world of fantastical illusionary halls of mirrors filled with smoke and strobe while a magic show is performed inside each and every one. Our world is one in which men and women in suits and tight skirts sit behind desks mindlessly reading from teleprompters as words and numbers and statistics and Dows and Jones and nasdaqs and polls and graphs and charts and tweets and texts and like me’s and on and on and on flash across all sides of the screen’s perimeter. These poor people have no clue what they are reading and never seem to connect that the man shot down dead by the police downtown last night was a real person with a real family that will miss him. Sure they may fawn a frown but when Steven comes in with sports they’re all smiles again. As strange and dethatched as this seems millions of Americans still take the information they are fed by these people and translate it into reality. In a sane world I would suspect that thinking people would ask the question once in a while “Well I know these people in the television are reading from something but who’s doing the writing?” but then again taking the time to ponder that might cut into my X-Factor time.
Yes, soulless pop icons wail corporate rhymes and rhythms of indoctrination teaching our youth what is cool; what is trendy. Because you have to be trendy. You have to be in. You have to be it. You have to have the latest, newest, flashiest, priciest. A guide will be provided; his name is Jay Z (or some other ridiculous pirate nick name) and you may trust him to show you what material objects you just gotta have this year. We care more about what cute hybrid name we can come up with to refer to the most recent Hollywood break up\hook up\ divorce than we do about our aunt who just lost her husband and might just need someone to talk to right about now. We live through action heroes on giant movie screens doing impossible things though portrayed by people with serious character flaws who often do things most humiliating. Yet still we exalt the actor or actress and shower them with rivers of money. It’s a mirage. It’s unreal. It’s trickery. What is true in the movies or on the news is not always true in the real world with real people. It is in this garden a man like Mark Levin can flourish.
So once he figured that the best option for him in this world would be to enlist in the folds of mini-celebrities that are common to failed actors who resorted to politics as a plan B, he had to choose a costume for his role on the stage and his good buddy Hannity already has that ‘righteous indignation’ thing going. Probably had a childhood flashback of lifelong resentment at not being a tough guy and since he’s now in play pretend land he can finally achieve that dream, albeit illusion. So his role in the pundit league is to be the tough guy. The Bugsy Malone. The gangster with the suspenders, tommy gun, stove top hat and cigar shouting “Now listen see. This is how it’s gonna be see. Yeah see. Yeah see Yeah.”.
So to show just how tough he is he spends every hour of his show setting up his callers like little golf balls all in an extremely long line just waiting for him to come to them and whack them as hard as he can. It goes something like this:
Mark Levin: Jarrett on line one, go!
Jarrett: Mark I have to disagree with you about Ron Paul’s position on foreign policy…
Mark Levin: That’s what’s wrong with you liberals! You disagree with me?! What makes you so special you bum? You don’t know the things I know! Get off the line you big dope!(you big dope? Really? I mean I know he’s pretending to be tough but you’d think he would realize that ‘you big dope’ isn’t really all that tough sounding to say yet still he uses it to sound tough)Betty on line four, go!
Betty: Mark I’m confused. You said you were a conservative and I was under the impression that conservatives wanted to conserve the principles and forms of government as established in the constitution but whenever you speak about gearing up for yet another endless war with the middle east I can hear you watering at the mou…
Mark Levin: What’s your bra size?
Betty: Excuse me?
Mark Levin: You heard me you little liberal floozy.
Betty: I’m a libertarian.
Mark Levin: No you’re not. You’re a lib. Wanna rub my bum.
Betty: Youre a pig.
Mark Levin: Get off my phone slut! You whining little liberal tramp. Bob, Nebraska, go!
Bob: Mark, what you said to that woman was ru…
Mark Levin: Get off my line sissy man! We must have the Paul bots calling in today. Cliff in Georgia, go!….
You get the picture. It’s like it was written by the same guys who wrote the script to “Ducktales: The Movie”. He’s a cartoon character. Mark Levin’s “explosive” delivery of anger into the microphone is much like the puffing up of a fish. Mostly air. If there is anything I learned from my dad it’s this; a man that keeps running his mouth about what he’s going to do never does. This truth rings true for Mark Levin I think. He, as well as all other members of the pundit league, are quick to commit the lives of other people and other peoples children to wars which only churn on for the expansion of the military industrial complex, yet as stated earlier, never took up the task of digging a foxhole for good old Uncle Sam when the opportunity arose in their time.
One of my favorite things Levin does is boldly announce people he’s “going after” on air. The people who have somehow crossed his views and dared to express a position he doesn’t cherish from his assigned script. When this happens expect several forty five minute diatribes on air filled with venomous increases in volume laced with idle threats which allude to physical intimidation towards those he calls “backbenchers”, or in other words, other script readers that haven’t been tapped to propagandize to quite the same size audience as Levin. I keep waiting for some sort of a cage match to be announced on pay per view between the ferangi and either Bill O’reilly or Rand Paul. Then reality sets back in and I realize that Mark Levin is just playing a character that once the microphone dries, is nonexistent. If his words ever did manage to evoke a physical conflict with another I have no doubt he would simply attempt to draft someone else to go and fight it for him though. Sadly though, there are many people who get caught up in the character and believe what he preaches which quite honestly reminds me of all those Star Wars fans that walk around in Jedi robes and when no one is watching actually try to use the force to move soda cans with sweat beaded brow.
To be continued…