My Pen Pal Mitt RomneySubmitted by TresAngelas on Mon, 10/29/2012 - 22:22
We’re defying the odds and holding strong against the billion-dollar Obama juggernaut, but we need your help to win.
Today, we launch ExpandTheMap.com -- an opportunity to take our message into new states and tell voters about our plan to create 12 million new jobs.
Can you help us raise a million dollars a day for this program and finish strong?
Contribute now to help Romney-Ryan and the Republican team keep up the fight.
I was so surprised to see you took the time out of your busy schedule to write to me personally. In fact, I almost couldn't believe it myself and so I felt compelled to share it with others in order to prove that you and I definitely do have this... connection. This surprise, on the heels of you sending me a signed, frameable 8x10 glossy photo of yourself standing in front of a barn, was very unexpected. At the time, I did not have the necessary appreciation and recall making a statement that 'I now understand why I smell manure every time Romney's name is mentioned'. I have since learned that is not true. Barns do not produce manure in the volume necessary to explain that experience. I was nearly as surprised when your wife wrote to me... Personally... To let me know how important my single vote is in this election and how I can not afford not to cast that vote for you. I do not know if it is because of the fact that Ann reminds me of the Bride of Chucky, or despite that fact, but I am compelled to listen to her. Indeed, I feel I will hang on her every word.
I admit that I don't know a lot and so it is with great appreciation that I read all correspondence from you. I learn so much. President Obama has never bothered to write to me even once despite the fact that I spend just as much time talking about him as I do about you. But don't feel bad about that. I've been told many times that you are the lesser of two evils, so I could not be more pleased that it is you who chose to correspond with me.
I can't say I would really know how to respond if Obama contacted me. Although, I will give him credit where credit is due; He did once distribute a cartoon of The Life of Julia which was very educatio... I mean... entertaining and, though he did not send it to me personally, one of his supporters made sure I saw it - No doubt at his specific request. And I noted while watching it that he stole many of your ideas. I think you should sue him for plagiary. I know you are 'above' that sort of thing, being the humble man you are and intentionally refusing to take credit for so many of the things you were supporting long before Obama arrived on the scene but for which he now takes credit. Such lack of pride surely does speak volumes about your character.
Also, remember that time several months back when you first wrote to me to ask for my help with your campaign? Yeah I feel kind of bad about my snarky response. I was all in for Ron Paul at that time and felt offended that you did not know that. Understandably, this was not your fault as you are such a busy man and no one bothered to tell you. I appreciate so much that you forgave me informing you in the manner I did and chose to continue our pen pal relationship.
I have a confession to make. For a very long time now, I have suffered from a rare condition. It is so rare that I am not even sure there is a medical term for it yet. But the symptoms are highly disturbing to those who observe it. Strangely, it has never bothered me personally, but I am told frequently that it causes me to talk too much about liberty and, like Tourrette's Syndrome, it makes others around me very uncomfortable. This also explains the graffiti response I made on the letter you sent to me before. I could not help myself. I apologize for the devil mustache, beard, horns and tail... and the dreads... and the bulging eyes... and pointing out so many facts.
Because of this rare condition, I am compelled to say and write things that others often do not appreciate. The problem is not that the condition forces me to tell the truth, though it surely does that. The problem is that the general public can't seem to handle the truth. So I was thinking, because you are the king of political correctness and you somehow are able to masterfully change your positions on every subject under the sun in order to please those listening and successfully manipulating every tiny audience that comes to your rallies, would you be willing to offer me some personal advice in how to combat my condition?
I admit I was a little nervous when I read about the NDAA some time back. There has been so much hype and the few people who suffer from the same condition I have went a little overboard with complaints about it. That got me all worked up - until I heard you say that you would have signed it also. Because we are pen pals, I knew that this was the right thing. I have learned that section 1021 of the NDAA was written specifically to help people with the same condition I have and I'm sure that's a good start. FEMA has such nice treatment facilities and I understand that new classes are graduating now from their training on how to run those treatment centers. I feel sure their training has included all forms of torture therapy. But I was hoping that maybe you could find a cure instead. Obama clearly has not bothered to find a cure at all and I think it could be a big boost to your campaign if you laid out a plan to cure rather than treat us. You could be like the Susan G. Komen of the political world. But don't think of it in the same way those crazies discuss the war on drugs. I know you support the war on drugs, so I surely don't want you to treat this in the same way. I'd prefer not being shot in my own home just because I was incapable of preventing myself from exercising my freedom of speech.
It's a small request, but I hope you will consider it. I know it won't be easy. And you don't have much time considering your campaign ends in little more than a week. But surely you can offer to do more than indefinite detention. Just like every other special interest group you bow to, we deserve our own place in your campaign. After all, our condition is either medical in nature or it is genetic. The science is not completely in yet, but pick which ever one of those will rush us to the top of your list of priorities. Unfortunately, we all gave all of our campaign donations to congressman Paul, so we can't bribe... I mean... Help you out financially. But you might want to consider asking Dr Paul for a loan. I understand he ran his campaign completely in the black with a surplus of funds. Crazy ol' Uncle Ron... Always being responsible and stuff.
Speaking of your campaign, I just want to say that I appreciate the faith and trust you have placed in me. And I know you desperately need more money to continue this fight on my behalf. But as I said, I gave all my campaign contributions to Dr Paul and so I have none left to offer you. This is going to bother me for a long time. Probably right up until I finish this letter. But, despite my condition, I am a solution seeker and as I read your letter to me and noted your desperation to raise one million dollars a day between now and election day, I immediately started trying to come up with solutions to your problem. Here's what I have so far...
It is my understanding that your five sons received a 100 million dollar trust fund. That, of course, is completely aside from the money they make from the positions they hold in your companies. I don't know how much money they get paid from those positions and I know that the economy is bad right now, but I've seen them in interviews and they all appear clean, well fed and well dressed, so I am going to go out on a limb here and guess they are getting paid adequately to support themselves even if they can't afford to fling caviar at your detractors. If that is true, then the trust fund money they collectively have in the bank is all gravy.
With only eight days left before the election, I was thinking maybe you should ask your sons to donate to your campaign. If they each donated equally, none of them would even hit the 1.5 million dollar mark and you would have all the money you so desperately need. And they would still have 92 million dollars in the bank. I know it may not be easy to convince them to do this. Children can be so selfish. I once asked a 15 month old if I could have a dollar which I had given to her in the first place and she ran away from me! So I also thought of an excellent argument you can use to encourage your kids to hand over the money...
If your sons turned around and invested a little bit of their money in your company, Bain Capital, they could make their money back, and then some - a lot actually - very quickly. It is my understanding that your company has a history of paying 470% back to investors. That is an astounding amount and a testimony to your financial prowess. Bernie Madoff is in prison for promising a measly 8% return that he could not seem to manage. What you are capable of with dollars in your hand is nothing short of miraculous. And the bonus is you have never gone to prison for it. That, of course, proves you are qualified to be President.
I am not sure how to explain the convicted felon sitting in a Texas prison who beat Obama in the Alabama Democratic primary other than to say that apparently even some Democrats realize that Obama is the worst of the evils.
Another thing that impresses me so much about you is your steadfast refusal to commit to fixing any of the actual problems we face. It keeps me awestruck. Your ability to agree with the President on every single issue during the debates while telling your supporters that the two of you have nothing in common has proven that you have the ability to abandon principles and even lie in order to work with the opposition. This will ensure that all the bad legislation both sides can come up with will be veto-proof if you should become President. And what an incredible legacy that would be for you! I don't think that has ever happened in the history of the United States. You, sir, are a trail blazer... A pioneer.
Thankfully, you fully support endless and preemptive wars. I was starting to fall for that whole 'end the wars' thing a while back. Those people may be crazy, but they sure are persuasive with all their 'peace' talk and decrying the murders of innocent civilians. But it is their argument that we should be concerned about our military personnel dying overseas or as a result of suicide that really got to me at first. I wrote extensively on the subject and even did some graphic work to help promote ending the wars. But I listened to you and finally got both sides of the story. No, I don't mean the anti-war/peace people's side and your side. I mean both sides of your story. Yeah... From you.
You know, the part where you said that Obama didn't do enough to get us out of the wars and then the other part where you said we should start a new war. I admit it confused me at first. But with enough time and my limited logic, I was able to deduce your meaning; Bush waged righteous wars because he had an (R) behind his name. Obama has a (D) behind his name so his wars are not righteous wars in any way - not even those started by Bush because as soon as the (R) was no longer President, all righteousness in war became impossible. And the proof of that was never shown more clearly than when the Democrats voted God out of their charter... And then faked the vote to get Him back in. You have an (R) behind your name and so obviously you only pick righteous wars. And of course, the Republicans never officially voted God out of their charter, so that is proof God is on your side. I know, some will argue that you are ignoring what God says anyway so it doesn't matter if He is 'officially' recognized within the party. But those who would point that out are the same people who tell us that war kills people. We can't afford to listen to that sort of crazy talk! You are simply brilliant and it is no wonder us simple people did not figure this out sooner. I am now working hard to force myself to be all in to support you killing innocent people and driving our economy into the ground to pay for it. It is very difficult for me to grow in this way, but I am making the effort. Thank you for teaching me.
Lastly, I understand that you have a special motivation to become President because by doing this, you will apparently inherit your very own planet. That's pretty impressive and I really want to help you accomplish that. The more I think about it, the more desperately I want that for you. In fact, I cannot tell you how much I wish you were already on your own planet. No one deserves it more!
Please feel free to write any time. I am not just your pen pal, I am your... friend.