Government to Ban White Snowsuits for Children 6 Years And UnderSubmitted by His Royal Grace... on Mon, 11/05/2012 - 01:52
Existential Quandaries Cited in Landmark Decision
In a top-secret internal memo which has been denied by every single agency of government, snow-white colored snow pants, snow suits, and other snow-play apparel-type clothing and accessories will be banned for sale to, by, for, from, or for the wearing of any American person or persons age 6 and under.
"Allowing small children to wear pure white snowsuits, especially in the winter months when there is snow on the ground, which is also white, is irresponsible and unacceptable. What are these parents thinking?" said an unnamed official for a government agency which will neither confirm nor deny its own existence.
"I mean, are you kidding me? This is a clear-cut judgement call. Kids under 6 are too dumb to know that going out into a blizzard dressed all in white is basically a 2-ingredient recipe for suicide. And everybody knows that the average American parent is too dumb to realize that 6-year-old child plus all-white snowsuit = latenight search party and a candlelit vigil 3 days later."
Critics applauded the decision, and speculated on what else the 2013 ban of things-unsafe-for-the-average-American-to-have would consist of. Top guesses included:
-Toothpicks with pointy tips
-pencils with pointy tips
-staplers - all types
-Daily Paul memberships
-self-lighting tiki torches