How You Know You're Not In the Top 1%Submitted by Molusk on Sat, 11/24/2012 - 21:44
Being in the top 1%, people often ask me whether they're also one of the privileged and blessed. These 99%ers, they're simple folk, and do not know much. They like to imagine they're important and on their way up, though, and are always putting on airs. So I have compiled a helpful list to help them know their place, so they don't get confused or uppity.
You are not in the top 1% if...
You've ever received or given lottery tickets as a birthday present.
You have or have known anyone who has run out of gas and had to walk to the gas station with a gas can to get more.
...you had to borrow the gas can because you only had 5 dollars for gas.
You get excited about tap beer.
You would be a total bar hound or slut if Happy Hour was an all week thing.
You've been genuinely angry when the CoinStar machine was out of order.
You've purchased cigarettes with car change.
You've purchased anything with car change.
You have none of your good luck change left on your car floor.
You have drank Philadelphia brand whiskey, or any other liter of whiskey that cost less than $20. (You might also be an alcoholic).
You've purchased less than 15 dollars of gas recently, and do so regularly, often with odd sums like 8 dollars or 12 dollars.
You've disregarded the no shirt, no shoes sign at a convenience store.
...and not been confronted about it. (This goes beyond mere poverty; at this point you're a bum).
You've rode in the bed of a pickup truck with coolers and/or dogs.
You've filled up your water bottle w/ Brita filter water to go work out instead of just buying a bottle of water.
You've endeavored to save money by buying all 99 cent 50 ml samplers at the liquor store.
You've bought lots of stuff off the dollar menu instead of a meal to "fill up."
Your bed is just a mattress.
...worse, it is just a piece of foam.
You've ever accepted used shoes as a present.
You've ever worn socks with holes in them because "no one could see."
If any of these things have happened to you, you are most assuredly not one of us. You aren't one of the 1%, and probably never will be. Keep trying though, this is America. If you work hard and follow the rules soon you will be rich beyond your wildest dreams.
With contributions from metalhed1, jb.kibs, YG364, Sophron, 192., (formerly known as Twelfth Knight), John Jay, Katniss Everdeen, and Nincomputer.