12 votes

How You Know You're Not In the Top 1%

Being in the top 1%, people often ask me whether they're also one of the privileged and blessed. These 99%ers, they're simple folk, and do not know much. They like to imagine they're important and on their way up, though, and are always putting on airs. So I have compiled a helpful list to help them know their place, so they don't get confused or uppity.

You are not in the top 1% if...

You've ever received or given lottery tickets as a birthday present.

You have or have known anyone who has run out of gas and had to walk to the gas station with a gas can to get more.

...you had to borrow the gas can because you only had 5 dollars for gas.

You get excited about tap beer.

You would be a total bar hound or slut if Happy Hour was an all week thing.

You've been genuinely angry when the CoinStar machine was out of order.

You've purchased cigarettes with car change.

You've purchased anything with car change.

You have none of your good luck change left on your car floor.

You have drank Philadelphia brand whiskey, or any other liter of whiskey that cost less than $20. (You might also be an alcoholic).

You've purchased less than 15 dollars of gas recently, and do so regularly, often with odd sums like 8 dollars or 12 dollars.

You've disregarded the no shirt, no shoes sign at a convenience store.

...and not been confronted about it. (This goes beyond mere poverty; at this point you're a bum).

You've rode in the bed of a pickup truck with coolers and/or dogs.

You've filled up your water bottle w/ Brita filter water to go work out instead of just buying a bottle of water.

You've endeavored to save money by buying all 99 cent 50 ml samplers at the liquor store.

You've bought lots of stuff off the dollar menu instead of a meal to "fill up."

Your bed is just a mattress.

...worse, it is just a piece of foam.

You've ever accepted used shoes as a present.

You've ever worn socks with holes in them because "no one could see."


If any of these things have happened to you, you are most assuredly not one of us. You aren't one of the 1%, and probably never will be. Keep trying though, this is America. If you work hard and follow the rules soon you will be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

With contributions from metalhed1, jb.kibs, YG364, Sophron, 192., (formerly known as Twelfth Knight), John Jay, Katniss Everdeen, and Nincomputer.

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Cyril's picture

You forgot...

You forgot...

Without debt, you're only able to keep stacking silver on ounce after ounce (or by barely bigger chunks).

Not by the unit of monster boxes or storage closets full of them.

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.


"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

I guess I'm in the 1%. I have

I guess I'm in the 1%. I have virtually tons of silver and no debt (except for a car payment).

Cyril's picture

Good for you ! I'm glad you do so well.

Good for you ! I'm glad you do so well.

[removed bragging; bad taste]

No debt either, here. I can't complain, happy dude, too.


"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.


"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

Linda Cross's picture

Get rid of the car payment!

Buy a cash car or a bike.

If you see something, say something, the government is listening.
Silence isn't golden, it's yellow.

No man, I have to have a nice

No man, I have to have a nice car to pick up chicks. PS How am going to ride a bike 50 miles back and forth to work everyday? No thanks.

On the money you save on a car - go to Ukraine and meet the

hottest, marriage minded (if you want that) chick you will ever find.

Drive an older car - have the time of your life - while meeting the love of your life.

Being a little idealistic

Being a little idealistic here eh? I already have a girl prospect at my work. I don't think she would date me without my car. She had a hard time accepting I still live at home, but she is cute as hell.

Let me get this straight

You don't think this girl would date you if you didn't have a nice car? Why would you want to be with a girl who only cared about such trivial things? There are plenty of good-looking women who aren't materialistic leeches. Well, a few anyway.

A signature used to be here!

Idealistic? Not at all.

I have been there many times. It costs next to nothing to stay in Ukaraine. Just $1,000 or so for a round trip ticket. One out of 4 women speak English. And 3 out of 4 of THEM are drop dead gorgeous and single. So your odds are pretty good.

The good ones are not anxious to leave - but for the right man they will.

Exactly. I get a kick out of buying low cost, low milage cars

no rust. Last one I paid $3,000 for.

And if it lasts me half as long as my previous car - 11 years for a car I paid $5,000 for. I will be happy.

I never have monthly car payments.

Me too.

I bought an '85 model in 2000 for $2000.
It was just "hand me downed" to the second person, going strong.
"your not a 1%er if you recived a hand me down car" :)

Just open the box and see

RE: water bottle comment

I fill my huge 5gal water cooler bottles for $0.75c each ($0.15c/gal - Glacier water machine dispenser)..that is cheapskate worse than the Brita method.

That's it, I'm officially a 99%er.

Most millionaires are quite

Most millionaires are quite frugal with their money, so you're in good company.

I fill my water bottle with UNFILTERED tap water, just to

make it look like I buy bottled water.....

No I don't. But its funny.

You forgot one.

You went to public school and learned to write things like: "You've rode in the bed of a pickup truck...." instead of "You've ridden..." And: "You have drank Philadelphia brand whiskey..." instead of "You have drunk..."

I know. I know. Grammar Police time.

But that grated on me like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Seriously though, a lot of people don't realize that to be in the top 1% income wise you must make at least $344,000 per year.

Hey so I went to your profile

Hey so I went to your profile to see if I could spot a post with an error to correct for laughs, expecting to have a hard time and read some good stuff, but you seem to just post links. Then I saw

"...ordering female officers to send nude photos of themself and two counts of forced oral sodomy... was domoted for lavish spending."

At that point I felt to do so would be cruel rather than funny, and chalked both our errors up to drinking. What private school did you go to?

I never claimed to be a perfect speller. Nor did I post claiming

to be in the top 1%, even humorously. That's the difference.

Spell Check will catch my spelling errors, if I bothered to use it. And I would use it, if I was writing an original piece instead of writing off the cuff as I am now.

You see, when you write an original post, even humorously as you did, based on taking a position of being hoity-toity, prim and proper, and superior to everyone else, good grammar is essential.

Did you notice anywhere else in my posts where I EVER corrected either grammar or spelling of other posters? No? Do you understand now WHY?

I also didn't go combing through your previous posts trying desperately and vindictively to find an error, with which I could justify my own. I have written some 2063 nodes. You found a few spelling errors in there? Congratulations! You had to go digging through the posts as they were not blatantly obvious in my index. And you could have, instead, wasted less time (34 minutes I see) and actually corrected YOUR original post. You can do that. It doesn't take much time. But I noticed you still didn't.

Are you chalking your petty vindictiveness up to drinking too?

Apparently you do a LOT of drinking.

oh chill out! it aint that

oh chill out! it aint that impertint, buddeh

But I have writtended, and readened very gooder cuz me in part a

an top 1%.

Me showended mine superioritiness and bean counvincinger.

(You should be thanking me. I did this so you wouldn't have to waste another 34 minutes trying desperately to find a spelling error in all my previous posts in my profile, rather than to correct all the blatant and obvious second grade grammar errors in your third rate Jeff Foxworthy ripoff.)





“It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till." -J.R.R. Tolkien


thanks anner