7 votes

Can you guys please review my application essay?

Hello everybody. Thanks to all of you who help and provide constructive feedback. My essay prompt was "Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation." I decided to do my essay on the size of government. Here it is:

The Constitution is our founding document that defines and constricts the role of Government. It was created primarily to prevent the errors of tyrannical monarchism and pure democracy and to protect the natural rights of man, chief among these being the right to life, liberty, and property. It was created to redress the grievances that so greatly compelled our Founding Fathers to declare independence from Great Britain. Among these were the explicitly unwarranted, undesired Government overreaches and regulations in the colonial society and the tyrannical exertion of Government authority over the lives of the citizens against their very will. As a result, the Founding Fathers reasoned that limited government is the criterion for which all the principles of liberty can be retained by the people over time. However, I fear that the original intent of the founders is ever increasingly fading from public policy, as Government powers and responsibilities grow, while the people forget the civic virtues that made this country great.
Over the first one hundred years of existence, our nation generally followed the guidelines of constitutionally limited government, and it saw a period of growth in the economy and in an intellectual awakening of the likes of which the world had never seen before. Under a free and limited government, our society flourished, but, undermined through apathy, the all-important Constitutional principle became neglected as Washington politicians eagerly attained unconstitutional powers and responsibilities under the guise of helping the needy. Unnecessary and corrupt departments such as the Department of Education were formed, along with “social safety nets” intending to steal only a little from Peter to give to Paul. Communities began to lose sight of the importance of responsibility and developed a dependency on the Government for daily needs, as more and more tyrannical Government power grabs were deemed “necessary and proper.”
Now, our Government controls many aspects of our lives, from our education to our healthcare and our retirement. We are increasingly being forced to act as supplicants rather than customers for many of these essential services. Meanwhile, the Government helps promote crony capitalism by bailing out big banks and corporations that execute fraudulent transactions by cooking the books. It supports giving out easy money to these fraudulent corporations through the Federal Reserve by printing money out of the presses of the US Mint under the pretense that it will stimulate the economy, while it only stifles real growth and savings in the market, increases the price of goods, prevents the economy from recovering after a recession, and aids the wealthy while hurting the middle class. The Government supports subsidies and price floors for farmers, while providing benefits to big unions that want to work less for higher wages. It forces restrictions on trade under the pretext of saving jobs and protecting certain domestic industries. All of these government expenditures and services have contributed to a destruction of wealth and a theft of prosperity from poor and middle class Americans, while leading to an irresponsible, corrupt Washington.
Millions now rely on these welfare policies, plundering the wealth of others while they themselves are plundered by taxes and inflation to support other corrupt “benefits” from the Government. Now, as this country hurdles towards uncompromising and unaffordable debt, more and more people will wake up to the sound of failure and fraud, to the sight of destruction and riots, and to the rise of tyranny, as we have become too reliant on the Government and have become apathetic for too long. The signs are manifest today, in my view, as the Government can now wiretap one’s electronic communications to spy on and arrest individuals without a warrant, forcibly seize one’s property without a judge’s approval, remove one’s right to know why one is being held in prison, remove the right of certain, unspecified individuals to a fair trial, and even seize control of the economy through corrupt legislation such as the PATRIOT ACT, NDAA, and Executive Order 13603. In other words, as Congressman Ron Paul once said, “We have allowed our nation to be over-taxed, over-regulated, and over-run by bureaucrats. The Founders would be ashamed of us for what we’re putting up with. Matter of fact, if you look at every single problem we're facing today, it's because of the lack of respect for the rule of law and the Constitution."
I believe that this is a very pressing issue of our time that has to be dealt with now. We as a people need to regain our desire to protect our natural rights and to maintain a free society where we adhere and abide by the Constitution. The modern Government has taken away many of our civil liberties and freedoms, providing bread and circuses to appease the people while it continues to get bigger and more oppressive. I believe that limited government is the only means to protect our freedoms because having a smaller government allows the people to freely act out according to their own whims, allowing the proliferation of innovation, culture, religion, and general prosperity, while promoting responsibility among all of society. I believe that now, more than ever, this country needs to return to the principles of the Founding Fathers, before we return to the totalitarianism that formed this country in the first place.

Thank you guys very much!




Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

I think this is very well written...

I wouldn't change much. I think that you clearly conveyed that you have given a credible deal of thought to the problems this country faces. I'm not sure of the views of your intended audience, but telling the truth as you see it is always a noble approach. If any adjustments need to be made it will likely come from your personal consideration of delivering your message more effectively to that particular group of individuals. Regardless of the response, always know that the truth is not always a popular message, but even when its painful, the truth tends to resonate with those that choose to listen.

I would only suggest two semantic changes to the current form (with no knowledge of the audience) - both in the last paragraph. One sentence reads:

"I believe that limited government is the only means to protect our freedoms because having a smaller government allows the people to freely act out according to their own whims..."

Most individuals would associate "act out" with negative behavior. I would replace it with just "act". The word "whim" suggests a transient desire without much serious deliberation. I would replace it with "interests" which invokes the feeling of more thoughtful, deliberate, and rational convictions. Other synonyms may also be effective.

Then, the very last sentence reads:

"I believe that now, more than ever, this country needs to return to the principles of the Founding Fathers, before we return to the totalitarianism that formed this country in the first place."

While your intentions are very clear in the bold portion, I think the point would be better delivered if the word "motivated" or a synonym were included. For example, "return to the totalitarianism that motivated the formation..."

Feel free to take this with a grain of salt. You've already done a great job. As far as political thought, you are light-years ahead of where I was at your age. Ultimately, this will be an ideological revolution. Violence is a blunt tool that is monopolized by the state, and violence against government interests is always used as fuel for more tyranny. It's encouraging to see younger intellectuals turning their attention toward these more important philosophical matters. Stick to your guns when you know the truth is on your side and don't let the propaganda compel you to conform against your better judgement. You seem to be on the right track, IMHO.

Thanks for the work.

"The Constitution is our founding document that defines and constricts the role of Government."

That is patently false, and therefore the essay is not an essay, if words mean anything, since that very first sentence measures up this "essay" as just another false advertizement for crimes made legal.

That places you, the author, into at least two possible catagories as such:

1.
Dupe
2.
Just another criminal who uses the concept of a limited government to cover up your crimes.

I can explain in great detail, but who would listen?

A dupe does not want to listen, and I've just heard a new term on one of the many forms of communication currently flowing through our network of human existence, and that term is Sharonite.

Look it up, because we are all being duped, or a part of the crime spree in progress, and it is past time to know better.

Next sentence:

"It was created primarily to prevent the errors of tyrannical monarchism and pure democracy and to protect the natural rights of man, chief among these being the right to life, liberty, and property."

Again, more falsehood, since the actual facts concerning the actual people involved, such as Alexander Hamilton, in particular, were creating a Monarchy with the Secret Meetings and Proceedings that occurred in Philadelphia where THE constitution was the result of that conspiracy.

This is not theory, since those who were there, published those facts occurring there, despite the gag order placed on those who attended, and you can read the "news" yourself if you cared to do so, before you continue with this democracy spreading, or whatever it is you are doing with this "essay".

http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Proceedings-Debates-Constitutio...

Constructive critical review would not be complete without at least a minor effort to offer competitive sentences in place of those false ones.

It seems to me.

"The Constitution is our founding document that defines and constricts the role of Government."

A limited constitutional government system can be employed by moral people to help in the necessary work required to defend against those people who seek to enslave other people.

That isn't what you want to do, so the sentence does not work for you? So what is the point of regurgitating the lies that helped the criminals destroy Liberty in this country?

I don't know.

"It was created primarily to prevent the errors of tyrannical monarchism and pure democracy and to protect the natural rights of man, chief among these being the right to life, liberty, and property."

Many competitive constitutional governments worked under The Articles of Confederation before the criminals took over with the usurpation that is now continuing to cover up the crimes of a few very evil people under the false title of The Constitution.

That would lead into a few more sentences concerning the drastic, actually opposite, intentions that the two groups had when those two groups fought for control over the power of government in those days, where on one side were those people exemplified by Patrick Henry and Daniel Shays and on the other side were those Monarchists hiding behind their false front of "Federalism" such as Alexander Hamilton and the useful idiot James Madison.

But those things are not known to you, for some reason.

You may have guessed, in your travels to date, that some things are kept out of circulation for good reason, according to those who expend the effort required to keep accurate information scarce, with such things as gag orders - for one example.

Next:

"It was created to redress the grievances that so greatly compelled our Founding Fathers to declare independence from Great Britain."

Here again your "history" is completely off the mark, almost exactly opposite of the truth, and those who know better fall into 2 general categories.

1.
Those who think their crimes are better hidden because yet again there exists another example of a well trained dupe spreading the lies that cover up the crimes that perpetuate because of those lies being so well embraced by so many dupes. Such a person probably smiles confidently when reading your false versions of the actual facts.

2.
Those who think that there is a whole lot more work to do in defense of liberty, since, measurably, there are still so many dupes who are still so very well duped. Those who may be set aback by the mounting evidence that good people are very seriously threatened by such profuse belief in falsehoods, but are determined to continue soldiering on in the fight against abject belief, and obedience to, falsehood, without question, or challenge.

The Articles of Confederation worked to help combine the defensive POWER of many separate and sovereign constitutionally limited, free market experimental governments, to drive the largest occupying army of aggression then existing on the planet earth out of this country.

So the obvious question asked, by people such as Patrick Henry, was to ask why someone, some group, were working so hard to get rid of a working Democratic Federated Republic, and to replace it, through a false advertizement campaign, financed by monarchists, with a Consolidated government or Monopoly Nation State?

But no such question exists, so far, in your "essay".

I've run out of time, so far, in meeting the demand requested by the OP.

I hope that you all have a beautiful day while we still can.

Joe

Continued

"However, I fear that the original intent of the founders is ever increasingly fading from public policy, as Government powers and responsibilities grow, while the people forget the civic virtues that made this country great."

Before my work continues in supplying the demand requested, and doing so accurately, despite all the powers aligned against uncovering the facts, I will offer a competitive perspective on this "Essay" project.

As if being handed a script, then memorizing the part to be acted out, this Essay may earn the applicant a place in the Monopoly Power Structure, effectively joining in on all the crime made legal, due to the original, critical, error of judgement.

So...if that is the goal, consciously, or subconsciously, the "Essay" will work as written, it seems to me, so if that is the goal then congratulations, your part is played well enough in my opinion, as far as I've read to this moment.

Now this:

"However, I fear that the original intent of the founders is ever increasingly fading from public policy, as Government powers and responsibilities grow, while the people forget the civic virtues that made this country great."

The original intent of the so called Federalists, with Alexander Hamilton as the shinning example, was to Monopolize POWER, or CONTROL, over all those within reach of their POWER to do so at the time, as in George Washington's own stated confession, himself a member of the "Federalist" gang of frauds: "the want of experience to move upon a large scale".

Source:
http://www.amazon.com/1776-ebook/dp/B000FCK5YE/ref=sr_1_fed0...

Page 154

The original intent was to seize POWER and again in GW's own words: To crush "so fatal a spirit" as the Spirit of Liberty.

Source:

http://www.earlyamerica.com/earlyamerica/milestones/whiskey/...

The context is nearly self-explanatory, but probably not for someone infected with the original "confidence" in their understanding of actual history.

The usurpation, to put it accurately, is working very well, as intended, from The Aliens and Sedition Acts to The War on Terror, and from Legalized Slavery, with Fugitive Slave "Laws", to "Extraordinary Rendition", things are moving as well as can be predicted by any reasonable, moral, person.

Source:

http://www.wfu.edu/~zulick/340/henry.html

"The rights of conscience, trial by jury, liberty of the press, all your immunities and franchises, all pretensions to human rights and privileges, are rendered insecure, if not lost, by this change, so loudly talked of by some, and inconsiderately by others."

So, plainly, your "Essay" is mere parroting of lies, and for what?

You tell me, please.

I'm lost.

"Over the first one hundred years of existence, our nation generally followed the guidelines of constitutionally limited government, and it saw a period of growth in the economy and in an intellectual awakening of the likes of which the world had never seen before."

No, again the facts are not panning out, that which could have been was not, and that which was, in piles of bodies of innocent people, counts for something, and the numbers are accounted, by many more people than one.

Here are two good sources:

http://www.amazon.com/Death-Government-R-J-Rummel/dp/1560009276

http://www.amazon.com/Peoples-History-United-States-P-S/dp/0...

Had The Articles of Confederation NOT been thrown out and replaced with Consolidated Government, for one thing, the slaves could find sanctuary in non-slave "State", and the "Federal" employees were not allowed, at least in the Shays's Rebellion precedent, allowed to recapture them, returning them to their "masters", which means, in legal terms, the government IS criminal.

If your viewpoint, pointed out in your "essay", intends to account all the good things done by productive people to the "government" knowable as The Federal Government, then such a viewpoint would require some very fancy accounting work, which, in my opinion, begs the answer.

By which accounting do you credit the government for productive work done by productive people?

"Over the first one hundred years of existence, our nation generally followed the guidelines of constitutionally limited government, and it saw a period of growth in the economy and in an intellectual awakening of the likes of which the world had never seen before."

Really?

"Under a free and limited government, our society flourished, but, undermined through apathy, the all-important Constitutional principle became neglected as Washington politicians eagerly attained unconstitutional powers and responsibilities under the guise of helping the needy."

Wrong again, as it was those Federalists, so called, who promised to give credit to those who already won that credit, claiming of the need for this National Debt, as the vehicle by which confidence in that pyramid scheme was earned, falsely, and had the dupes not been so well taken over, what could have been done, instead of steady march into absolute despotism warned of by Patrick Henry and others?

No one has a clue?

[Communities began to lose sight of the importance of responsibility and developed a dependency on the Government for daily needs, as more and more tyrannical Government power grabs were deemed “necessary and proper.”]

Which people are being held to account for the perpetual crimes committed since 1788, crimes made legal?

A look in the mirror may be a good idea, again, it seems to me.

I've been wrong often, but the Topic solicits critical review, and I am supplying a competitive offering to meet that demand.

"Now, our Government controls many aspects of our lives, from our education to our healthcare and our retirement."

You may want to check out the work being done by people such as Carl Miller.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s-zHrNPfkQ

Self-government means something or it means nothing?

"We are increasingly being forced to act as supplicants rather than customers for many of these essential services."

What is the force you speak about, and can that force be measured, and may it be a good idea to consider, while looking in the mirror, that the force in question is falsehood, and that force resides inside each individual.

Source:

“It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and money system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company.

http://www.themoneymasters.com/the-money-masters/famous-quot...

I can go on, but this current effort may already be precisely not that which was demanded in fact.

I don't know.

I can guess.

Joe

Should I give out any in text sources or examples?

I didn't think I should be very specific because I'm just writing for an application and I personally thought it's already a bit long.

I am a proud libertarian Muslim.

Here are some awesome Islamic Libertarian links:

http://minaret.org

http://muslims4liberty.com

AND TO GET OFF THE NEOCON DRIVEL ABOUT MUSLIMS: http://loonwatch.com

In my opinion

When in Rome do as the Romans do?

Joe

OK as an essay, a pass

You very cogently framed your position and you write well and fluidly. In terms of social sciences, you failed to test your hypothesis and this renders your essay as more of an opinion piece than science.

I'd like to see more from you. If you can speak as well as you write you might just be a rising star.

South is the new way up! Major trend for 2014: Latin America. Start checking out South American investment, it's part of our future now.

Is this a UC application?

Is this a UC application?

Since you ask so nicely

I'm gonna go buy a 12 pack and read your essay.

I warn you, I'm mean when I'm happy and downright savage when drunk.

South is the new way up! Major trend for 2014: Latin America. Start checking out South American investment, it's part of our future now.

Thanks!

Be as drunk as possible! LOL!

I want this essay to be as good as it can!

I am a proud libertarian Muslim.

Here are some awesome Islamic Libertarian links:

http://minaret.org

http://muslims4liberty.com

AND TO GET OFF THE NEOCON DRIVEL ABOUT MUSLIMS: http://loonwatch.com

metalhed19's picture

Really good. Is this for a

Really good. Is this for a class??

*Wisconsin Constitution* Article I, Section 25 "The people have the right to keep and bear arms for security,defense,hunting,recreation or any other law-abiding purpose"

Are there any problems with it?

Is it too long, wordy? Does it have any grammatical or syntactical errors?

I am a proud libertarian Muslim.

Here are some awesome Islamic Libertarian links:

http://minaret.org

http://muslims4liberty.com

AND TO GET OFF THE NEOCON DRIVEL ABOUT MUSLIMS: http://loonwatch.com

Thank You!

No, it's one of my application essays for college.

I am a proud libertarian Muslim.

Here are some awesome Islamic Libertarian links:

http://minaret.org

http://muslims4liberty.com

AND TO GET OFF THE NEOCON DRIVEL ABOUT MUSLIMS: http://loonwatch.com

metalhed19's picture

The only problem is most of

The only problem is most of acedemia is pretty far to the Left politically. But stick to your guns anyway. Liberty is worth it.

*Wisconsin Constitution* Article I, Section 25 "The people have the right to keep and bear arms for security,defense,hunting,recreation or any other law-abiding purpose"

metalhed19's picture

The only problem is most of

double post

*Wisconsin Constitution* Article I, Section 25 "The people have the right to keep and bear arms for security,defense,hunting,recreation or any other law-abiding purpose"