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I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother

Gawker: Three days before 20-year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year-old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."

"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!"

"You can't wear whatever pants you want to," I said, my tone affable, reasonable. "And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You're grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school."

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.


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Is an epidemic, and neither medication or mothers love can cure it.

One day of no electronics is

One day of no electronics is insufficient punishment for saying to his mother "you're a stupid b&%^$."


Easy to say, but..

I have to admit this sounds like behavioral issues are being called mental disturbances. You can't rule it out anyway at least until some actual discipline is given. Being really smart doesn't mean you're crazy when you act out. It just means you're really smart and aren't being deterred enough to stop acting out. Forgive me if I seem judgmental because I usually don't want to be part of the lynch mob throwing stones, but that is what I thought after reading the mother's perspective of his actions.

His father

I bet his father had quite a bit to say about that once he got home from school...oh wait

I see most everyone missed this part of the article:

"He's been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood-altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work."

Thank You

Troy for pointing that out. It would be interesting to know when these scary behaviors started. Time for a drug free holiday for this kid if you ask me.

Parenting skills

Maybe part of the problem is people just don't have a good source for the parenting skills required for todays children affected by our current society.
It is a tough job to be a parent nowdays. Most people are working their butts off, come home tired, and then have to deal with all the usual bs.
Pretty hard to deal with kids sometimes, but, kids are kids, and their behaviours are predictable and can be dealt with given the proper understanding of what is going on and how to deal with it.
I raised two children who turned out fine, but they certainly gave me challenges on occassion and until I came across this book, often I was at a loss on how to deal with some situations.
"How to Father" by Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson just hits understanding every child behaviour through the various age groups right on the head. Child behaviour is not that complicated, yet if you do not understand the root cause of the behaviour, nine times out of ten you will react to that behaviour incorrectly, hence problem not solved.
The book is simple and to the point in how to identify and address the different behaviours of your child, boy or girl. I cannot say how many times I went to this book to see why my child was behaving a certain way, and the answer on how to deal with it always provided a correct solution other than what I may have tried, aside from throwing my hands up in the air or getting angry.
I have since passed my book onto my daughter who is 27 yrs. old, to help with her raising of my grandson.

DJP333's picture


a lot of parents don't understand their kids behaviors or how to approach difficult situations. One of the most eye opening books I have read on this subject, Summerhill, is decades old but still holds true.


"It’s not pessimistic, brother, because this is the blues. We are blues people. The blues aren’t pessimistic. We’re prisoners of hope but we tell the truth and the truth is dark. That’s different." ~CW


It's not what they're doing, it's what they're not doing.

They should be working and playing hard and at the end of the day they should be totally exhausted.

Daddy should be present and be able to remove his belt one handed in .0002 seconds and beat their son's ass..memorably.

I hit my Mom one(1) time.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

"Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty" TJ

My mom belted me when I got

My mom belted me when I got sassy. Needless to say, I thought twice every time I considered talking back to her disrespectfully again, worked like a charm.

Beating a child with a belt

Beating a child with a belt or any other object is a parenting failure.

"The world is a dynamic mess of jiggling things, if you look at it right." - Richard Feynman


You cant put up with this shit from a child. Its amazing that a child can act that way and the worst thing happen to him is "no video games today" thats not a punishment. That accomplishes absolutely nothing. This child has acted out for way too long, gotten away with way too much and knows what to say and how to say it to make himself feel like he is the one in control. Unfortunately at this point, hes been coddled so much theres probably nothing you can do, hes been given way too much power. This is what happens in a society thats afraid to punish children who misbehave in adequate ways. They think they have the power to do whatever they want.

Attachment parenting gone

Attachment parenting gone wrong. The kids grow up thinking they can do anything they want with no consequences. It teaches them to not have a conscience. When the parents start having problems, they take the kid to a shrink and label the kid as autistic or bipolar or some other crap and prescribe meds. The pill pushing psychiatric profession isn't looking too good right now, lots of psychopaths.

Have you seen her infomercial?

After watching this, it's hard for me to take her story seriously. That might be something wrong with me, sorry about that, but still...


I'm not comfortable with this whole mental health agenda coupled with the gun agenda.

thanks fiodax

for that link. I watched the short interview and noticed my video was preceded by a Folgers commercial. For those of you that think her story is just that I would recommend you look more closely. She like many other parents probably does not know what to do now. The recent gun violence has made her more concerned. I see no mention of a father and her story is not uncommon.


Why is Michael like that?

I say look at his parents..they abused him, and he turned out abusive himself.

I would have said...

"Ok, give'em hell. They're just pants anyway. And if they send you home I'll have pants ironed and waiting for you to change into. Which do you prefer, the black or khaki?"

Connect with your child rather than be a part of the oppression he already feels on a daily basis.

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience"—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

But no

She takes him to the hospital and threatens him with jail. What a sick mother.

This is why you should never involve the state in raising your child.

Exercise Your Rights. If You Don't Use Them, You Will Lose Them.
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Michael sounds like a defiant and manipulative kid who has

outsmarted his mother and enjoys keeping her teetering on the edge.

Mrs. Long sounds like a drama queen, who thrives on the attention.

The mentally ill will always be among us. But there are a lot more clever manipulators.

I wonder if cannabis could be a potential avenue...

to help some of these people. It's apparent that synthetic behavioral modification drugs aren't the answer in many cases (if any). Maybe its time to try a much less harmful drug and see what happens.

The mother definitely needs a few tokes

elevating such a "scary" situation over....pants. PANTS!?

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience"—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Thanks for posting

This story just breaks my heart.

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sometimes LL can suck & sometimes LL rocks!
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

This is so very sad. I wonder

This is so very sad. I wonder if that mishmosh of drugs he was taking made him worse. I wonder why the EXPLOSIVE increase in all sorts of deformed minds is not being investigated seriously. Something has changed in the last 30 years. It is probably in our food and/or water. The increase in autism is outrageous. I do not understand why the source is barely being looked at.So terribly sad..

I have a friend whose 12-yr

I have a friend whose 12-yr old son has been playing violent video games for a long time now. He is already showing aggressive behavior and has threatened to kill himself. I also had a good friend who was on psychotropic drugs and shot himself. I also played video games in the 1980s but they weren't violent like the ones that are out now. Sometimes wonder if the video games of today are wreaking havoc on young minds too.

A different perspective

Personally, I don't believe that video games (by themselves) turn people violent. I believe that like with so many other things, it's how the individual chooses to use them.

I say this because I grew up playing all sorts of violent games (Doom, Mortal Kombat, Wolfenstein 3D) and still play them now (GTA 4, Fallout) and if anything, they relieve some aggression, mostly because I find them entertaining.

The problem (or rather, *a* problem) as I see it is that life seems to be held in an alarmingly low regard these days in western society, especially the US.

That said, I also believe that certain shooter games, such as the Call of Duty series, are designed specifically to glorify western military aggression. It's perfectly okay to kill thousands of virtual (and real!) Arabs, Eastern Europeans, Africans and Asians, but God forbid if anyone shoots a virtual American soldier. Some games won't even give you the option, period.

Whether it's intentional propaganda, blind jingoism, or simply to make a buck-- can't say for sure, but I think it boils down to being in the eye of the beholder.

A signature used to be here!

If Video Games Have Influence

If video games CAUSE behavior rather than be an OUTLET due to psychological circumstances, then we can assume the 1980's video games influenced you to spend your time in dark mazes eating pellets, stomping on turtles and mushrooms, or shooting at centipedes?

Hm... I think I'll just go with gut instincts on this and assume that violent people are attracted to violent images. That makes sense.
I won't deny that violent images bolster existing problems, but what are we going to do, force people to play/watch/listen to the media we personally deem appropriate? After that we can force people to adhere to a world currency, world religion, and unify everyone under a world dictator who will make all the decisions for us so we can have safety and security. Sounds like a terrible idea, personally. So I'll stick with the idea of liberty across the board for everyone.

Who said anything about

forcing something on people. It's a parent's right and responsibility as to what media they wish to allow in their homes - and a parent's responsibility to control their children's behavior in this regard. (It's called censorship when the government does it. It's called responsible parenting when parents do it.) But you are wrong to mock the effect of video games. The military, by design, can use similar games to what is *popular* among teenage/young adult males - to desensitize troops before active duty combat. Furthermore, there are physiological reactions as if the even were real; also, there is pent-up energy from just sitting for hours, period, that will eventually require release. (It applies to "just" tv/videos, too.) Also, there can be a blurring in the mind of players as to what is real and what is fantasy. (It was a factor in some school shooting ages ago, where those two boys in maybe middle-school, if that, killed classmates.) Also, there is an effect on the developing BRAIN, which continues to develop into teen years. Maybe if more information were published on the harmful effects of media, parents would be making some different choices. But who's going to make an issue of this, the media?

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

Parent's Rights & Children Rights

Didn't you hear? We are BORN with our natural rights. They aren't granted to us by parents nor any body nor government. These are god-given rights, so parents and their control attempts on their children will always fail because FREEDOM trumps oppression!

Parents' rights as to what media they allow in their homes? Remember, it is their children's homes as well, nobody's rights shall be construed to abrogate another's!
Parents' responsibility is not control nor punishment - all of our responsibilities are our ACTIONS. If our actions are that of love, compassion, understanding, and peace, the children shall imitate these actions. Leave the attacks on freedom to the tyrants, for it is wise to distance ourselves from tyrants unless we wish to inherit a tyrant's sentence.

When children imitate our tyranny they will accept and imitate tyranny. When our children imitate our love and compassion then they will end tyranny!

I don't know what you are talking about.

Um, yeah: parents have a right as to what media they allow in their homes, as opposed to government censorship. (Where'd that come from, you're saying that the gov't doesn't "grant" rights? That wasn't at issue.) Secondly, parents have the responsibility to raise their children, as opposed to children having the responsibility to raise themselves - which includes setting parameters. I think you have a misguided understanding of child development to equate that with "tyranny." But no problem. If you believe children are "BORN" with a "natural right" to play, say, Grand Theft Auto... if you do *not* believe that it is up to parents, i.e., the adults in the family, to set parameters for their households re media and otherwise, you can allow your children to play whatever computer games they want, stay up as late as they want, eat just cereal and macaroni & cheese if they want, or whatever else a 3-year old or 13-year old might prefer to do. It's a free country. We can all raise our children as we see fit - well, at least as long as we're flying the U.S., not U.N., flag.

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

ALL Men are Created Equal - not just the adults

Control attempt leaves us with someone who disregards our aggressions and resists.
This is the SAME reaction to be expected of ANYONE: Children and adults both.

But no problem. If you believe children are "BORN" with a "natural right" to play, say, Grand Theft Auto... if you do *not* believe that it is up to parents, i.e., the adults in the family, to set parameters for their households re media and otherwise, you can allow your children to play whatever computer games they want, stay up as late as they want, eat just cereal and macaroni & cheese if they want, or whatever else a 3-year old or 13-year old might prefer to do.

Yes, they have the right to play Grand Theft Auto (I have the right not to buy it for them).
Yes, they have the right to eat cereal and macaroni & cheese (I have a right not to buy it for them).
Yes, they have the right to stay up as late as they want (I have the right to go to bed early).

And, yes, you have the right to exert control over your children, to punish them for not meeting your expectations and to reap what results from this.
And, yes, I am free to be a living example of compassion and understanding for my children and can expect to reap my results.

If you do not believe children have these rights, to be free like everyone else, then I request proof.