16 votes

You'll like this ...Hope this lightens your day

You'll like this ...Hope this lightens your day

1) Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

2) An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

3) Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

4) A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

5) A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

6) Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Thought this might lightin you day..

Have a great day!



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deacon's picture

these jokes

remind me of someone,i just can't remember who :)
HAHA,i loved them,thanks for the upbeat,and needed change of pace
deacon

If we deny truth before your very eyes,then the rest of what we have to say,is of little consequence

Glad I Could Make You All A Little Happier

Good change of pace from all the gloom and doom...No?

deacon's picture

sorry to take so long

getting back to you...
for me it is a welcomed and NEEDED change
from the doom and gloom,if i suck in too much
it changes the way i think and interact
i don't like that very much,i like who i am,but not
who i am becoming
from the bottom of my heart,thank you
deacon

If we deny truth before your very eyes,then the rest of what we have to say,is of little consequence

#3 has me rotfl!

*

The law cannot make a wicked person virtuous…God’s grace alone can accomplish such a thing.
Ron Paul - The Revolution

Setting a good example is a far better way to spread ideals than through force of arms. Ron Paul

That Was My Favorite Too!

Ha!

Nah. My favorite was...

... actually I can't decide between the first and second.

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

Old Lady in Church :-)

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

There Ya Go!

Good One!...Thanks Suzanimal

Thank You

for ALL of your contributions :-), have a great New Year!

Yor're Welcome!

Happy New Year To you as well...Hope it is the best year ever!

You're too much, emalvini!

Thanks for the laughs.

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

ytc's picture

emal, you are at it, again!

Too funny & delightful to remain *realistically* gloomy&doom-bound ;-)

Thanks & hugs to you, emal.

scawarren's picture

Thanks and it did :)

Thanks and it did :)

It is easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. – Mark Twain