Emergency Dairy Bill Blocks Farmers From Milking Their CustomersSubmitted by Chris Conspiraski on Mon, 12/31/2012 - 22:32
Concluding a real-life last minute cliffhanger worthy of a Hollywood production, lawmakers succeeded in preventing their arch-nemesis, the free market, from a devastating victory that would have shattered the nation's collective consciousness while taking food from its very tables.
Still 'Got Milk?'
We're talking about milk, of course, and the potential and predictable spike in prices that would arise if the Agricultural Subsidy Bill of 2008 wasn't extended. Some say prices could more than triple from around $2.75 per gallon to $8-9 or more. The argument is that the average person could not or would not 'pay' $8 per gallon so it is a good idea for the 'government of the people' to pay the dairy farmer the $5 per gallon difference ahead of time, so the consumer can enjoy the illusion that they are only 'paying' $2.75-$3 per gallon.
The Barn Door's Open. Your Chaos Got Out.
Besides the inevitable 'catastrophe' of people not buying milk and drinking something better for them like water, or nothing at all, let us not forget those who would have been hardest hit - the dairy cows themselves. With the sudden drop in demand there would be a natural decrease in production. This would prevent the price from declining naturally while putting thousands of cows out of work, eventually forcing many farmers to open the gates and let their stock wander off to seek employment elsewhere.
Without the wise intervention of government and its magical pen of power, what started out as a fiscal cliff would have snowballed into an avalanche of price spikes across the board to the two chickens in every pot. Poultry and egg prices were predicted also to treble in price, as the chickens witness the cows marching off to freedom and so inspired, begin smashing their eggs and ultimately using them as projectile weapons against their keepers.
What now, brown cow?
Time, much like a cow's udder, never stops flowing. It can only be delayed by mankind with its technological ingenuity and a generous subsidy. And that can only be obtained from those most wise and benevolent members of our society whom we exalt, our elected representatives. For this I propose a toast:
Despite their heavy handidness
and hefty impositions,
This is no roast, this is a boast!
I toast my politicians!