Tomorrow I bury my father and I don't feel like it.Submitted by Smudge Pot on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 18:13
Get a haircut. Pick up the dry cleaning. Arrange for car service. Make sure the animals have food. Tell the clients they have to wait. Watch people moving up and down on stairs, escalators, elevators. How can we spend so much time on elevators and not be elevated? Why do we call them escalators when 50% of the time they go DOWN? Shouldn't those be called de-escalators? People zooming across the land in cars, trains, they zoom in trains under ground, we zoom about in the air.
What's the point of going someplace when all you are gonna do is return to the point you started at?
Buy a book to read on the airplane. Pick a topic. What am I interested in? How about total avoidance of reality? Do they make a book like that? No? Why not? Wait don't tell me, they avoided writing it.
They say when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I trust my credentials as a total wimpasaurus are certified because I don't feel like going anywhere and I don't really feel like doing anything.
I'm told my "father", the great man is now a small pile of ashes. He's the first in our whole family history to be cremated. Pretty radical departure from tradition. Our "bones are supposed to lie with the bones of our ancestors" but what's the point now? I'm going to travel about 3000 miles to let people tell me they are sorry. Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. Nobody did anything wrong. Some problems have no solution. This isn't an equation, it's command line.
cat MyDadsLife.txt > dev null
All the sudden I'm a 47 year old child and I'm doing everything for the first time--without my dad. First time waking up without my dad. First time brushing my teeth without my dad. He taught me how to do this the first time when life was all about first times and now it's all first times again. How does that work? Well it just did. It's like coming out of the bathroom to find somebody repainted the whole house. Same house, totally different colour. Hey wait a minute here...is this another joke?
What is deadly serious to a family that spent so much of our time in laughter? Think I go off on a tear sometimes? Man you should have seen us together. All the sudden I can't remember what we were laughing about but it was pretty dang funny. We used to pray together and sing together too. Did most everything together.
My sense of humour leaves many people flat but pop always laughed at my jokes (hint: I'm very seldom not joking, even when I'm serious there's almost always a wink or a goose-you-in-the-ribs deal going on). My remaining brothers, we're coming up with jokes. How do we contrive to get a whoopee cushion under the pastor's chair seat? My brother Kev says he wants to sit in the back and at the most solemn moment rip open a bag of Doritos. Crunch crunch crunch nom nom nom nom.
Spent a good part of my life trying to impress him and live up to his example but what's my example now? A Mason jar full of ashes? I dunno. I have never done this before. Without my dad. And all the sudden it's just not as fun as it used to be. I guess that right there is a legit problem. Somebody once told me the very last sound that this entire universe will hear will be the voice of a human complaining about it. I guess I still feel somewhat compelled to modify that eventuality, I'd like the last sound emitted by this universe to be the sound of human laughter.
I am very sorry for those who's lives seem full of pain and suffering. I don't know why it has to be so. Another thing, my dad's passing was anything but sudden and I had lots of time to "prepare" and as a spiritual counselor, I knew that no matter how prepared I thought I was, I'd have to deal with it as a new phenomenon and I kinda hoped I would bear it with some modicum of dignity. Well so much for that. But at the very least this makes me somewhat more qualified because now I can more truly relate to the suffering of others. And in some metric of which I have no understanding, I'm a little bit grateful for that. And all the sudden I'm aware that unlike other deaths, untimely or tragic deaths that made me angry and shake my fist to the heavens and say WHY GOD, WHY? this time I'm not in the least bit angry. Pop lived a very full and long life. It's not tragic, it's as natural as sitting down. On a cactus.
Some author dude, I think his name is Sherman something or other once wrote "there are no absolutes in human suffering; things can always get worse". At the time when I read that I said to myself "now here is a man who knows what he's talking about" but now I consider how for me this is un-worst. This is way un-worst. It's been worser. The pain I am about to endure is gonna be excruciating because I got a pinched nerve in my back and I dread that airplane ride.
Wells I guess that's all I got to say. Now I gotta travel 3000 miles to let people have their say and they will say things like "sorry" and "what do you say at a time like this?"
That's what you say at a time like this and know what? It actually helps. It's very kind of you. Cause now I understand the sentiment behind the words, the words are inadequate but the fact that you care means a whole lot, it means everything, the whole world right now.