75 votes

Tomorrow I bury my father and I don't feel like it.

Get a haircut. Pick up the dry cleaning. Arrange for car service. Make sure the animals have food. Tell the clients they have to wait. Watch people moving up and down on stairs, escalators, elevators. How can we spend so much time on elevators and not be elevated? Why do we call them escalators when 50% of the time they go DOWN? Shouldn't those be called de-escalators? People zooming across the land in cars, trains, they zoom in trains under ground, we zoom about in the air.

What's the point of going someplace when all you are gonna do is return to the point you started at?

Buy a book to read on the airplane. Pick a topic. What am I interested in? How about total avoidance of reality? Do they make a book like that? No? Why not? Wait don't tell me, they avoided writing it.

They say when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I trust my credentials as a total wimpasaurus are certified because I don't feel like going anywhere and I don't really feel like doing anything.

I'm told my "father", the great man is now a small pile of ashes. He's the first in our whole family history to be cremated. Pretty radical departure from tradition. Our "bones are supposed to lie with the bones of our ancestors" but what's the point now? I'm going to travel about 3000 miles to let people tell me they are sorry. Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. Nobody did anything wrong. Some problems have no solution. This isn't an equation, it's command line.

cat MyDadsLife.txt > dev null

All the sudden I'm a 47 year old child and I'm doing everything for the first time--without my dad. First time waking up without my dad. First time brushing my teeth without my dad. He taught me how to do this the first time when life was all about first times and now it's all first times again. How does that work? Well it just did. It's like coming out of the bathroom to find somebody repainted the whole house. Same house, totally different colour. Hey wait a minute here...is this another joke?

What is deadly serious to a family that spent so much of our time in laughter? Think I go off on a tear sometimes? Man you should have seen us together. All the sudden I can't remember what we were laughing about but it was pretty dang funny. We used to pray together and sing together too. Did most everything together.

My sense of humour leaves many people flat but pop always laughed at my jokes (hint: I'm very seldom not joking, even when I'm serious there's almost always a wink or a goose-you-in-the-ribs deal going on). My remaining brothers, we're coming up with jokes. How do we contrive to get a whoopee cushion under the pastor's chair seat? My brother Kev says he wants to sit in the back and at the most solemn moment rip open a bag of Doritos. Crunch crunch crunch nom nom nom nom.

Spent a good part of my life trying to impress him and live up to his example but what's my example now? A Mason jar full of ashes? I dunno. I have never done this before. Without my dad. And all the sudden it's just not as fun as it used to be. I guess that right there is a legit problem. Somebody once told me the very last sound that this entire universe will hear will be the voice of a human complaining about it. I guess I still feel somewhat compelled to modify that eventuality, I'd like the last sound emitted by this universe to be the sound of human laughter.

I am very sorry for those who's lives seem full of pain and suffering. I don't know why it has to be so. Another thing, my dad's passing was anything but sudden and I had lots of time to "prepare" and as a spiritual counselor, I knew that no matter how prepared I thought I was, I'd have to deal with it as a new phenomenon and I kinda hoped I would bear it with some modicum of dignity. Well so much for that. But at the very least this makes me somewhat more qualified because now I can more truly relate to the suffering of others. And in some metric of which I have no understanding, I'm a little bit grateful for that. And all the sudden I'm aware that unlike other deaths, untimely or tragic deaths that made me angry and shake my fist to the heavens and say WHY GOD, WHY? this time I'm not in the least bit angry. Pop lived a very full and long life. It's not tragic, it's as natural as sitting down. On a cactus.

Some author dude, I think his name is Sherman something or other once wrote "there are no absolutes in human suffering; things can always get worse". At the time when I read that I said to myself "now here is a man who knows what he's talking about" but now I consider how for me this is un-worst. This is way un-worst. It's been worser. The pain I am about to endure is gonna be excruciating because I got a pinched nerve in my back and I dread that airplane ride.

Wells I guess that's all I got to say. Now I gotta travel 3000 miles to let people have their say and they will say things like "sorry" and "what do you say at a time like this?"

That's what you say at a time like this and know what? It actually helps. It's very kind of you. Cause now I understand the sentiment behind the words, the words are inadequate but the fact that you care means a whole lot, it means everything, the whole world right now.

-Smudge Pot



Trending on the Web

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

When my Dad died,

Somebody told me "If you weren't a man before, you are now", It always stuck with me.

Like so many...

I have walked that mile too. It is a heart-wrenching thing to lose a parent. I understand the pain...even guilt sometimes. I'm sorry you have had to find out these feeling. My condolences, Smudge.

------------------
BC
Silence isn't always golden....sometimes it's yellow.

"The liberties of a people never were, nor ever will be, secure, when the transactions of their rulers may be concealed from them." - Patrick Henry

Job done, thanks to all of you

Amazing how much diff a simple "sorry" can make. It's the old "what do you say at a time like this? Well "sorry" translates to "I care about you" and that's what counts.

So to all of you who related your stories, I read most of them and I guess we're part of a club of sorts. We have something else in common. Not that we asked for it but thanks for all your help getting through it.

I had to give a speech. Don't even remember what I said but I'm told I did well.

Really can't thank y'all enough. If I can't repay you this favor I'll pay it forward.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Smudge Pot

My deepest condolences. I, too, had to say goodbye to two family members prior to the holiday. Thank you for sharing, it has also helped me reflect in other ways.

"What if the American people learn the truth" - Ron Paul

Condolences

My condolences Smudge and a hug... we must all go through this eventually.

I still have my Dad, but had to bury a husband at 62, not easy.

Jane Aitken, 35-Year Veteran Teacher
Ron Paul 2008 Consultant
GOP Woman of the Year 2009
Founder NH Tea Party Coalition (NOT AFFILIATED WITH ANY FAKE 2009 GROUP)
Founder USPEINetwork @ Yahoo (Nat'l Edu Activism Group)
Board Coalition of NH Taxpayers

I hope you made it back ok

and are feeling the compassion and hope for strength and courage that comes from people here and in your world~

Garnet
Daughter of 1776 American Revolutionists

You are a wonderful human being

Your comments are full of love and understanding. No judgements. I loved all of it. Just lost a dear close friend (in hospice care) and she told me that when she is gone that I should ask her to pray for me. The learning never stops. All the best, Lysa

Thank You Smudge.

Having grown up w/o a sober, present or positive father figure I have never been able to relate to the father/son connection, at least not from the kids perspective. Having never experienced a true father /son bond I often feel that I am ill equipped to give my son what a son needs from his dad. Sure I know he needs to be loved, fed and watered but I think I have been unable to relate to the emotional connection from a boys perspective. I think I found some of that missing perspective today. It also seems that connection continues long after you teach your son to take a leak or brush his teeth.

Sometimes you learn the most unexpected things here at the DP :)

They tried to bury us, they didn't know we were seeds. -mexican proverb

ytc's picture

Smudge. Are you back now, reunited with your animals?

The hardest emptiest moment for me, when I lost my father two years ago, was after the mad dash to & from the funeral and family gatherings. The receding of the adrenaline took away colors & vigor. . . until the new normalcy settled in.

Hope to hear a lot more of your outrageous jokes and daily ramblings - that is to bring back *our* DailyPaul normalcy ;-)

"Sherman"

Think maybe the author you referred to is the philosopher Schopenhauer. He wrote quite a bit about suffering. Many find him to be cynical/depressing, but it is refreshing to me. Might wanna take a look.

"The casualty of partisanship is objectivity."

ecorob's picture

nice read, smudgepot...

it makes you think...

it made me think about my son...does it make you think of yours? (i am supposing you have one) and how you view/react/discuss with him these life issues

just wondering, thanks

i'm just asking for another angle that you might so wonderfully elaborate on...thank you, again

my dad is "getting on" in age and has heart problems so i may soon feel your feelings firsthand (of course, he could outlive us all)

its 'cos I owe ya, my young friend...
Rockin' the FREE world in Tennessee since 1957!
9/11 Truth.

My mother just passed away on

My mother just passed away on Dec. 31st. She was 52. She really wasn't a mother to me, my grandmother (her mother) raised me since I was 3 years old. My mother ruined her life with drugs and alcohol from an early age.

Growing up I would be able to visit her on the week ends. She was married and very functional in the 80's. I bonded with her very well. Then in 1990 she messed up with drugs again and she had to be institutionalized. I was 13 at the time and it really hurt me.

She was released and rebounded till about 95 and the cycle started over again. Then she came out again and became addicted to pain medications, due to her back. She was the type of person who would drive you crazy, mumbling and at times just acted really weird.

She loved my children, wife, and me. I hadn't heard from her in about a month, she live about 50 miles away. But she called Christmas Day and was going to come over, but she called later and changed her mind.

On Saturday I thought that I should call her to have her come over the next Saturday, Jan. 5th. Well I brushed that off. Then on New Years Eve. night I received a call from the sheriff's dept. where she lived... she had past away of natural causes. I drove to her home, that I had not been to in 4 years. When she visited she always came to my home. her house was in terrible shape.... she had become a hoarder. dogs... birds... turtles... mice.. on and on.. You can't walk through the home without a mask, in some rooms stuff packed to the ceiling.

The three things that hurt me the most... seeing the mess and believing that if I had known I could have tried to remove her from it. Seeing the only pictures on the walls were of my 3 children, she loved them and then finding the Christmas cards that were meant for them.

Bless you

For staying in touch with her.
I have lost both parents now, and the greatest blessing is that I made my peace with them both. Whatever her failings, YOU rose above them and that was a blessing for her, and it will be a blessing for you.
My last visit with my dad, he had this terrible thing going on with his feet. Dry and cracked like 1/2 deep. I tended his feet every day I was there, got them to start to heal before I went home. I had no idea it was the last thing I would ever do for my dad, but I am so glad it was.

Love or fear? Choose again with every breath.

Please watch for signs of him being with you

My Husband died very suddenly at the age of 42 of a massive heart attack . My 15 y.o. daughter and I decided that a long walk and talks would do us good and help us heal. The first night as we walked toward a "burned out street light" it suddenly lit as soon as we were under it. As we walked further it went out. On the way back it was out and as soon as we were under it again it lit. This happened night after night for months! I started to realize that as I drove down any road that streetlights "burned out" in the distance would light over my car...I always say "Thank you, Rich" It seems that when I'm very troubled that sometimes this will happen as many as 5 times in the course of a drive home.
I told my best friend when her son died suddenly, to watch for signs from him. She looked dubious but within a week she called me and told me that she had been finding "long white feathers" in unexpected places at home,in the yard and at the office.
Smudge Pot- you seem like a very loving and spiritual person and you may already know of this happening BUT ITS REAL> Watch......

Laurelai

Haven't commented much lately...

...but your post has compelled me...and yeah, I lost my Dad in '05.
There were times I hated him as I was growing up, and then after some suffering, experience and knowledge acquired (on my part)I came to appreciate him so much more.
The last years of his life were a blessing to me, and we celebrated a closeness that had never been there before.
He once apologized for past "transgressions" on his part, and I replied that it wasn't necessary...nobody gives you a book on how to be a father...His humility touched me deeply...even to this day.
I speak to him whenever I'm doing something that brings back a memory long forgotten....funny, isn't it?

His own Dad died when he was a child, and he hadn't any "model" to draw upon, and he was just "wingin' it"....he did a pretty damn-good job, upon retrospect...and I remind him of it when we "talk".
Mom ,on the other hand, is soon to turn 94...and I've shared these thoughts with her, along with a reminder that I Love Her.
Tell those that are still with you how much you love them...all the time....maybe that's the legacy left by this sorrow.
It reminds us to love one another.
Thank you for an insightful, noble post...God Bless You, and yours.
p.s.
You've put a tear in my eye, and in some strange way I feel a need to say thank you, and tell you: You are not alone.

"Beyond the blackened skyline, beyond the smoky rain, dreams never turned to ashes up until.........
...Everything CHANGED !!

I'm really jealous...

After last night and another evening of my mother calling me and dumping on me (she's a miserable person), I wonder how I will feel when she passes away.

She has been a pretty lousy mother and I never knew my father and he's gone. Now as she gets older (currently 74) I wonder what the future holds for me. No laughter with her, just misery. It's not like she has it hard or anything but chooses to complain about everything.

It sounds like you had such a great relationship with father and I have to say...I'm jealous. Didn't want to come to work today because my eyes are puffy from crying myself to sleep last night. I would have liked to have a good relationship with one of my parents.

I do have to say I'm very lucky to have an amazing daughter with whom I have a great relationship. She's in college and just got engaged and I try to focus on that instead of the bitter, unhappy person who I call my mother.

Sorry to dump on you guys...maybe just selfish on my part to try and feel a bit better.

I am sorry to hear about your dad. Sounds like he was a great guy!

Hi wendi72

Languages of love. John Chapman describes 5 languages that satisfy emotionally.

Quality time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of service, gifts and physical touch.

I don't understand the other languages as mine is physical touch. I can usually tell if someone shakes my hand if they are "speaking" my language.

I know which language my 4 grown children speak, and my brother and sisters, mom and dad and many in-laws even Dr. Paul.

I know of a father whose language is gifts and he lavished them on his son and could't understand that son only was looking for a hug. Son found no satisfaction in the gifts he received. They each spoke a "foreign" language the other couldn't hear.

I would guess that your language is words of affirmation. At the very least I can affirm your efforts to persevere. What a wonderful desire, to love and be loved. With a little effort and a lot of luck your dream may come true.

Best wishes!

Free includes debt-free!

Sorry to hear this, smudgepot...

If I can help, I will.(reply or PM me) May the God of all comfort, comfort you at this time. I Corinthians 15, (the resurrection chapter,) helped me through times like this, but the real helper passage for me was- Philippians 1:21.

Sometimes just sharing your feelings somewhere helps, day to day journals and other ways to communicate your thoughts can help keep you grounded. Staying close to those you love will help, too.

Remembering and singing your father's favorite songs (when you can) may help. My son, who was born after my dad died, loves to hear stories of when i was a child and the funny things my dad would do.

"Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~~C.S. Lewis
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

My Father Always Said ...

... a day didn't go by without him thinking of his dad after he passed.

After my dad passed, I find the same is true.

I trust you will have a similar experience and it will bring a wry smile to your face.

We're a sorry lot. Smudge. What can I say. ;-)

I Pray For Your Soul To Be Conforted Smudge Pot

I remember when I lost my father whom I loved so much...Always remember the good things you shared together..I do..

Peace

Smudge......it's hard

And let it be hard. Don't deny it. I lost my mom in March. Cancer, but it was quick. I was there when she passed...I was alone. Within an hour I had to call the hospice and the funeral home and watch them take her away.
BUT! the night before I prayed hard over and over for her parents to take her home. She was in such an awful state. She brought me in to the world and it was my task to help her out of it peacefully.
Your dad went peacefully........you have so much love within you and around you. It is a time for sharing that love, and you are doing that. No one will ever be prepared for the death of a parent or loved one. But it happens, and it's part of life and love. We love you, we support you. Let it happen as it will.
xoxoxo

Colchester, New London County, Connecticut

hang in there bro. we are all

hang in there bro. we are all here for you. love you man.

What an honor to be

1 of those who care. Love ya man.

Be strong Smudge, we got your

Be strong Smudge, we got your back.

I'm 46 and lost my dad not long ago.

I've found it helps to write articles to my children. Not write letters, but write a page or two about something that interests me, every now and then. Articles about a book, a political topic, a philosophical subject, a hobby, a memory, whatever. Just write.

I haven't actually given any of these articles to my kids, but they will have access to them when they are adults, and when I am gone.

What I miss most about my father is being able to ask his opinion about things. I miss this about my grandfathers too.

By writing to my kids, I hope to narrow the gap for them.

As they say, I feel your pain. Good luck.

Hey Smudge

He will be with you always . You will miss him. I know that because I miss my dad and think of him often. You will think of him every time you brush your teeth. When you get done give him a big smile in the mirror and tell him he did good teaching you .
I know he did a great job because you are here with all of us in Liberty.

Tin Pan Miner

I perish ever single day...

and I come back..

and still feed my pigeons.

Fuck Death!

LL on Twitter: http://twitter.com/LibertyPoet
sometimes LL can suck & sometimes LL rocks!
http://www.dailypaul.com/203008/south-carolina-battle-of-cow...
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

I lost my dad when I was 14

I lost my dad when I was 14 to an aneurysm, at the peak of his life and the beginning of mine. That was 39 years ago. I still miss him all the time. It changes your perspective. You will never be the same, but appreciate the time you had. Memories fade, but a good father will be with you always.

.

Im so sorry.
He is still with you though.
Talk to him.

"OH NO! He has a SON?" Neoconservatives and Liberals EVERYWHERE!

Rand Paul 2016