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The Americans With No Abilities Act: Oh lord…this is what America is coming to. Please keep in mind this is a funny (for now)

The Americans With No Abilities Act: Oh lord……this is what America is coming to. Please keep in mind this is a funny (for now)

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

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First Class Stamps Going Up One Thin Penny Soon

Get your forever stamps...

uhh uhh how do one qualify

will it affect my stamps?

Hope you understand im joking.

sovereign

LOL!!

Made my morning, thanks.

_____________________________
"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it." -- Joseph Goebbels

Laughter is the best medicine!

Great post, you made my day!

LivingTheDream

!hilarious!

: D

for a sec i thought maybe

for a sec i thought maybe this was for real and i was so happy that they would try something so insulting, so we could finish exposing them.. Unfortunately its sarcasm :(

hehehe

BAHAHHAH....!!!

:)

Cyril's picture

LMAO. Great sarcasm.

LMAO. Great sarcasm.

Now, this is HARSH. Really HARSH.

The welfare statists will enjoy it.

No doubts!

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.

http://Laissez-Faire.Me/Liberty

"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

meekandmild's picture

Already being carried out

look at congress, the white house and administrative agencies.

Satirical genius! Thank you.

Your hypothetical welfare boondoggle for the hopelessly unemployable, the "No Abilities Act", is very clever indeed, although I am just afraid that it might inspire either President Obama, or some Congressmoron to actually introduce such legislation.

In principle, it is no more idiotic than the law underwriting ObamaCare, and we know what a bloody mess that is turning out to be!

If I have any quarrel with your account of such a proposal, it is that it is too easily identified with Dumbercrats. There are many GOP Congressvermin who also would sign onboard just as easily and eagerly as their "opponents" across the isle.

Why should Bohner, McCain, Graham, and other such neocons be neglected? This legislation could be as truly bipartisan as most such horrid legislation passed by the loonybin on the Potomac!

Thank you for a brilliant piece of (for now) satire.

PEACE AND FREEDOM!!

"The worst thing that can happen to a good cause is not to be attacked successfully, it is to be defended badly". F. Bastiat

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, finally they attack you, and then you win"! Mohandas Gandhi

Another Classic from the Onion!!!

This one is hilarious!!!!

I think this article can actually do a great job persuading the left and statists because it's soooo funny...

9-11 Media Fakery: Did anyone die on 9-11?
http://www.cluesforum.info/

http://www.septemberclues.info/

9-11 Actors:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aPvJSQtmoE

Pysops.. media.. actors.. propagandists... disinfo agents.. fake videos.. fake photos

Easier to believe it's genuine 15 years later

http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-passes-americans-w...

Would have seemed slightly over the top in 1998 but fits right in with the rest of the Obama's cozy social safety hammock.

Take back the GOP and Restore America Now.

Gotta give you a bump for this one

That's funny. A friend of mine would say, "much truth is said in jest" The sad truth is many of these POI are working in government. If they have abilities, which I am sure most do, they are in tax paid positions of no real purpose, which is the sad part.

This is hilarious!

Did you write this?

Had Some Help Here...

A frien of mine and I came up with this satire...

It

is priceless! Well done!!

LOL

Not too far from being a truth huh. :)

Patriot Cell #345,168
I don't respond to emails or pm's.
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Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution, inevitable.