24 votes

The Retired Husband - Absolutely hilarious

The Retired Husband - Absolutely hilarious

Absolutely hilarious! Obviously the man should never had retired as he still had too much creativity and was just looking for an outlet!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womens restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,' Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor thatin turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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At the grocery store checkout, ask the clerk if she thinks you have about the right amount of toilet paper for the food.

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That was HILARIOUS. Thank you!

BTW - Would it be overkill to edit #7 and add that he was offering kids candy to come play inside?

My Dad

Seemed to have the ability to fall asleep at the oddest times and places. My Mom and him would go shopping, as Mom scurried about browsing he would find a bench, chair or other resting place. Once she found him sound asleep laying on a bed in the furniture dept. Another time we were on the lake Michigan beach in Arcadia, Mom came running up asking "where is Dad" As we looked around we spotted him, he had fallen asleep floating on an air mattress and he had drifted out almost to the horizon.


The last time my husband went to the store with me he did the Madonna look with the funnels. Sigh...


They make a strong case for lesbianhood... lol! My husband tells me if I take more than ten minutes he's going to start whistling at girls. lol!
He has a "fantasy shopping trip" he wants to take, too. He wants to load up a cart with preparation H, some Depends, some jock itch powder, some lice shampoo, some athlete's foot spray... You get the idea. And then he wants to see what the checker has to say....
"How are you today?" Would you dare ask the person with that cart load?
How about "Have a nice day." - lol!

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