32 votes

Michael Nystrom...He's a ten-foot tall beast man,

So I hear if you put Michael Nystroms name in a headline you get alot of attention. Let me tell you about Michael Nystrom....

He's a ten-foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith and Wesson.

Nystrom went public with his own buttocks and made seven million.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom went hunting? Well anyway, Nystrom decides he's gonna hunt down all four members of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all beg for their lives, except Fleagul.

We once had a bachelor party for Nystrom. He ate the entire cake, before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Nystrom once hosted the Grammy's and gave every award to Cory Hardt.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Nystrom got his wife pregnant, and she gave birth to a delicious sixteen ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

Nystrom's family crest is a picture of a barracuda, eating Neil Armstrong.

Nystroms's ranked eighteenth in the AP College Football Poll.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom was in a production of The King and I? Well anyway, before the show, Nystrom chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He breast feeds John Madden.

Nystrom named the group ShaNaNa. They did not want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Nystrom's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

They use Nystrom's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

Nystrom directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

All the Yes album covers are Nystrom's family photos.

Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Nystrom's groin.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom taught his son how to drive? Well anyway, Nystrom taught his son how to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Nystrom said, It would have happened sometime.

Nystrom's semen can form into a liquid human. Like that guy from Terminator 2.

Nystrom still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He thinks the Iron Man is gay.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

Nystrom used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Nystrom, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men.

He gave a handjob to a manta ray.

He cornered the market on booze.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Did I ever tell you about the time Michael Nystrom forced me to wear a woman's bikini? Well anyway, Nystrom tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing only a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the quarter my sales hadn't tripled.

Hell eat a homeless person if you dare him.

One time I asked Nystrom to dress up as Santa for a Christmas party I was having for my children. Anyway, Nystrom shows up as Santa, says I've got goodies for you kids. He reaches into his bag and proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says There's no Santa cause I ate him!

Nystrom's a son of a bitch.

You know he sheds his skin once a year.

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansberry.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom and I went horseback riding, but there weren't any horses around? Anyway, Nystrom throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn't ya know it, my stamina increased with each day, and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Nystrom decides to enter me into the Breeders Cup under the name Turkish Delight. And Im running in second place, and I'm running, and I break my ankle. So anyway, they're about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, Don't shoot him, he's a human.

Ya know, he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell.

His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Michael Nystrom is an eight foot two ton monster who can palm a medicine ball.

So anyway, Nystrom would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Nystrom had to shoot the maid.

Nystrom would use his own thigh as an anvil.

Ya know, it was the sight of Nystrom's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

He showers in grain alcohol.

He uses the Shroud of Turin as a gold towel.

He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

His first name is Michael.

He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.



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uhm... I mean..Mike Nystrom...


Michael Nystrom fooled Roger Daughtry


For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

MN ordered Penne Alfredo at a restraunt once

then he sent it back.

"No, no, I ordered the Nickel Alfredo, you putz!"

They sent out another plate.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I said al dente. AL DENTE dammit!"

They brought him Alfredo the busboy, told MN he was "very al dente" and that he was "on the house". He took Alfredo home and put him to work scrubbing the toilet, then he made Alfredo pay him for the privilege.

Michael Nystrom was conceived by divine thought.

His birth heralded the dawn of the cosmos.
As an infant, Nystrom suckled whales and elephants.
By age 3, his favorite beverage was Everclear with a malt liquor chaser.
At age 5, his private parts were so hairy that gorillas hailed him as King.
Paul Bunyan is Nystrom's second-string handmaid.
Nystrom doesn't carry a weapon. He spits silver bullets, breathes fire and belches lightning.
And on peaceful Sunday afternoons, Nystrom strolls sidewalks like an Abrams tank.

He spared no expense

at Jurassic Park

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

MN made the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park

the hard way, that's what was in the vials, all of the vials.


jrd3820's picture

Danielle Steel

Writes her romance novels to please MN as he is the only one who reads them.

MN wrote the book of

love, then parlayed it into a successful career as a pimp, a pimp for Liberty.

jrd3820's picture

Ron Paul stopped reading the constitution the day MN

created the DP.

Who needs the founding fathers when you have access to MN's thoughts?

MN is the master of choreography

MN blasts this on the stereo of the last V8 interceptor


Mad Max cried when MN took it from him, MN caught the tears in a bottle and sold them as MN's distilled essence of the Road Warrior. He bought the entire production run and drank it last Sunday.

and then this

Michael Nystrom's picture

You guys are killing me!

I eat 'em raw, like sushi.

To be mean is never excusable, but there is some merit in knowing that one is; the most irreparable of vices is to do evil out of stupidity. - C.B.
jrd3820's picture

Funk Wine

MN took the water @ the banquet and turned it into whiskey sours


Who here screwed up and Michael Nystrom is going to take the heat for it?

jrd3820's picture

Don Draper was created in MN's image

 don draper 13457_187405521013_178424716013_4426086_7828023_n.jpg

MN is the...

secret ingredient in Powerthirst.

"What light is to the eyes - what air is to the lungs - what love is to the heart, liberty is to the soul of man."
-Robert Green Ingersoll

jrd3820's picture

Then MN said let there be liberty

Then MN said: Let there be liberty, and there was liberty.

MN saw that the liberty was good. MN then separated the liberty from the darkness

How did this get resurrected ?

This was a classic

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Michael Nystrom's picture

It seems I've acquired a body double

For Fools day.

But indeed, it is a classic!

To be mean is never excusable, but there is some merit in knowing that one is; the most irreparable of vices is to do evil out of stupidity. - C.B.

double take

I need sleep

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

jrd3820's picture

Came back up a night or 2 ago somehow

And I noticed it and thought today would be a good day for another resurrection.

Classic indeed.

Michael Nystrom's picture

I pity the fool.

Who confuses you with me.


To be mean is never excusable, but there is some merit in knowing that one is; the most irreparable of vices is to do evil out of stupidity. - C.B.

Then you're confusing me

with you.

Haha! I've got nothing!

Haha! I've got nothing!

I hear his tears can cure

I hear his tears can cure every disease known to man. Too bad he never cries...

And my final comment

He created a web page that flushed out every rat and snake on this side of the Milky way....

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

He's so tuff, he doesn't drink champagne...

he drinks real pain.


Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

OK MN....Its true...We Do Have Much Love...

and respect... and admiration...

Now just Don't Let us down. Keep the DP up and running as we all trust and believe it to be. don't sell us out - at least not without a propper heads up

much respect

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!