32 votes

Michael Nystrom...He's a ten-foot tall beast man,

So I hear if you put Michael Nystroms name in a headline you get alot of attention. Let me tell you about Michael Nystrom....

He's a ten-foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith and Wesson.

Nystrom went public with his own buttocks and made seven million.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom went hunting? Well anyway, Nystrom decides he's gonna hunt down all four members of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all beg for their lives, except Fleagul.

We once had a bachelor party for Nystrom. He ate the entire cake, before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Nystrom once hosted the Grammy's and gave every award to Cory Hardt.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Nystrom got his wife pregnant, and she gave birth to a delicious sixteen ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

Nystrom's family crest is a picture of a barracuda, eating Neil Armstrong.

Nystroms's ranked eighteenth in the AP College Football Poll.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom was in a production of The King and I? Well anyway, before the show, Nystrom chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He breast feeds John Madden.

Nystrom named the group ShaNaNa. They did not want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Nystrom's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

They use Nystrom's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

Nystrom directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

All the Yes album covers are Nystrom's family photos.

Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Nystrom's groin.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom taught his son how to drive? Well anyway, Nystrom taught his son how to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Nystrom said, It would have happened sometime.

Nystrom's semen can form into a liquid human. Like that guy from Terminator 2.

Nystrom still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He thinks the Iron Man is gay.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

Nystrom used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Nystrom, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men.

He gave a handjob to a manta ray.

He cornered the market on booze.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Did I ever tell you about the time Michael Nystrom forced me to wear a woman's bikini? Well anyway, Nystrom tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing only a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the quarter my sales hadn't tripled.

Hell eat a homeless person if you dare him.

One time I asked Nystrom to dress up as Santa for a Christmas party I was having for my children. Anyway, Nystrom shows up as Santa, says I've got goodies for you kids. He reaches into his bag and proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says There's no Santa cause I ate him!

Nystrom's a son of a bitch.

You know he sheds his skin once a year.

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansberry.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom and I went horseback riding, but there weren't any horses around? Anyway, Nystrom throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn't ya know it, my stamina increased with each day, and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Nystrom decides to enter me into the Breeders Cup under the name Turkish Delight. And Im running in second place, and I'm running, and I break my ankle. So anyway, they're about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, Don't shoot him, he's a human.

Ya know, he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell.

His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Michael Nystrom is an eight foot two ton monster who can palm a medicine ball.

So anyway, Nystrom would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Nystrom had to shoot the maid.

Nystrom would use his own thigh as an anvil.

Ya know, it was the sight of Nystrom's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

He showers in grain alcohol.

He uses the Shroud of Turin as a gold towel.

He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

His first name is Michael.

He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NjgPDIeSXA

lol



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bigmikedude's picture

I must admit ,

when he emails me, my computer runs better.

One time Nystrom bumped into Mike Tyson

in an elevator. He not only bit off Tyson's ear but also his right pinky. Then he munched down his boxer shorts for dessert.

He once picked the lice

Off a silverback gorilla

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Micheal

have you ever thought of running for sheriff in your county?

I've been thinking the same thing

Run, Michael!

Michael Nystrom's fists can punch through FUD.

Between running moonshine and rescuing kidnapped children

Michael Nystrom enjoys breakfasts any time 24/7 at Waffle House.

Michael Nystrom's fists can punch through FUD.

Michael Nystrom will drink your milkshake

allegory - ˈalɪg(ə)ri/ - noun - 1. a story, poem, or picture which can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one.

I heard...

that he B-slapped Paul Bunyon and called him a 'Sissy"!

"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"- Homer Simpson

His poop is considered currency

In Argentina

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Nystrom

Cornered the market on booze

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

So, Michael takes his little boy for a walk...



...and it starts to rain. His son looks up to him and asks, "Father, why does it rain"?
Micheal replies, "It's because God is crying son". And they walk some more.
Then the adorable little boy looks at him and asks, "Father, why is God crying"?
Michael looks at his child and tells him, "He must be really sad, son". And they walk some more.
Then his son asks, Father, why is God sad"? And Michael stops dead on his tracks, spins toward his son with index finger extended and screams, "Probably something YOU did!!!

I'm just roasting of course. Mychael Nistrom <--SIC-- is a great guy and he knows what wine to serve with possum.

Exercise Liberty!


America Rising.
The Constitution Stands.

"That the pen is mightier than the sword would be proven false; if I should take my sword and cut off the hand that holds the pen" - American Nomad

I hear tell he once ...

Stepped on superman's cape whist spitting into the wind

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
Don't Give me Liberty, I'll get up and get it myself!

Michael Nystrom is seven feet

Michael Nystrom is seven feet tall! Kills trolls by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume everyone of them with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

Aye! THE KING OF THE

Aye! THE KING OF THE NORTH!!!

this is the funniest damn roast I've ever 'seen'

and I've seen most of them via YT...don't know how long it took you to put it together, Dex, but it's classic, already!

Truly a tribute to the man, MN, who who knows what is and what isn't important and did something about it!

"If you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before." Debra Medina

Can't take credit for it

It's SNL's Bill Brasky skits but seemed appropriate with all the MN headlines....lol

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Bill Brasky!

I mean Michael Nystrom!

Do not fear, you are not alone.

There are others of us like you.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Michael Nystrom's picture

Dex you are a man of many talents

Now I'm off to that shower. In grain alcohol. And to clip that toenail. While I'm at it, I think I'll go smoke a telephone-pole sized joint. Of industrial hemp.

R O A R !

Dex, you're the best.

He's the man.

Keeping life fun my friend

You're becoming a legend......

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Good heavens

Please be careful clipping that toenail *wince*

Michael Nystrom's fists can punch through FUD.

Ha Ha, Definitely Front Page Material

.

Michael Nystrom, women love

Michael Nystrom, women love him, men wanna be him :)


http://youtu.be/BKPoHgKcqag

Michael Nystrom once

Michael Nystrom once accidently knocked out chuck norris

Chuck Norris...



...wears Michael Nystrom Pajamas!

Exercise Liberty.


America Rising.
The Constitution Stands.

"That the pen is mightier than the sword would be proven false; if I should take my sword and cut off the hand that holds the pen" - American Nomad

Oh Yeah

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

"Michael Nystrom is the father of every kid in this town!"

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

ecorob's picture

I also heard that he doesn't always...

drink beer. But when he does, he prefers Dos Equis!

The guy they get to play in the commercials was their second choice.

its 'cos I owe ya, my young friend...
Rockin' the FREE world in Tennessee since 1957!
9/11 Truth.

egapele's picture

LOL!

Pure genius! :)

i masturbate to the

i masturbate to the teletubbies!

...