32 votes

Michael Nystrom...He's a ten-foot tall beast man,

So I hear if you put Michael Nystroms name in a headline you get alot of attention. Let me tell you about Michael Nystrom....

He's a ten-foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith and Wesson.

Nystrom went public with his own buttocks and made seven million.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom went hunting? Well anyway, Nystrom decides he's gonna hunt down all four members of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all beg for their lives, except Fleagul.

We once had a bachelor party for Nystrom. He ate the entire cake, before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Nystrom once hosted the Grammy's and gave every award to Cory Hardt.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Nystrom got his wife pregnant, and she gave birth to a delicious sixteen ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

Nystrom's family crest is a picture of a barracuda, eating Neil Armstrong.

Nystroms's ranked eighteenth in the AP College Football Poll.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom was in a production of The King and I? Well anyway, before the show, Nystrom chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He breast feeds John Madden.

Nystrom named the group ShaNaNa. They did not want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Nystrom's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

They use Nystrom's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

Nystrom directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

All the Yes album covers are Nystrom's family photos.

Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Nystrom's groin.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom taught his son how to drive? Well anyway, Nystrom taught his son how to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Nystrom said, It would have happened sometime.

Nystrom's semen can form into a liquid human. Like that guy from Terminator 2.

Nystrom still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He thinks the Iron Man is gay.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

Nystrom used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Nystrom, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men.

He gave a handjob to a manta ray.

He cornered the market on booze.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Did I ever tell you about the time Michael Nystrom forced me to wear a woman's bikini? Well anyway, Nystrom tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing only a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the quarter my sales hadn't tripled.

Hell eat a homeless person if you dare him.

One time I asked Nystrom to dress up as Santa for a Christmas party I was having for my children. Anyway, Nystrom shows up as Santa, says I've got goodies for you kids. He reaches into his bag and proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says There's no Santa cause I ate him!

Nystrom's a son of a bitch.

You know he sheds his skin once a year.

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansberry.

Did I ever tell you about the time Nystrom and I went horseback riding, but there weren't any horses around? Anyway, Nystrom throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn't ya know it, my stamina increased with each day, and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Nystrom decides to enter me into the Breeders Cup under the name Turkish Delight. And Im running in second place, and I'm running, and I break my ankle. So anyway, they're about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, Don't shoot him, he's a human.

Ya know, he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell.

His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.

Michael Nystrom is a son of a bitch.

Michael Nystrom is an eight foot two ton monster who can palm a medicine ball.

So anyway, Nystrom would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Nystrom had to shoot the maid.

Nystrom would use his own thigh as an anvil.

Ya know, it was the sight of Nystrom's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

He showers in grain alcohol.

He uses the Shroud of Turin as a gold towel.

He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

His first name is Michael.

He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NjgPDIeSXA

lol



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I have to say...

I'm pretty impressed with the imagination.

MICHAEL NYSTROM---DID you ever think it would come to this?

Enjoy the ROAST, it's better than TOAST

With all due respect, I will no longer be a voting prostitute for Constitution rejecting harlots.

Alright you got me... ha ha...

I made a mistake. I apologize DPers. I fed the trolls.

Well, I dunno about you

but I'm writing a Nystrom Facts sig.

Michael Nystrom's fists can punch through FUD.

I heard Nystrom

once commanded an army from his kitchen.

Michael Nystrom's fists can punch through FUD.

Hey dextersyzed, somebody using your name is saying

really terrible things about MICHAEL NYSTROM.

With all due respect, I will no longer be a voting prostitute for Constitution rejecting harlots.

Michael once breast feed

an injured Flamingo back to health

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

that breast "fed"

get it right or the grammar police will be all over yew!
Oh and by the way way, at the same time his other breast was being used by the FED as a storage barn for hiding the nations gold.

With all due respect, I will no longer be a voting prostitute for Constitution rejecting harlots.

Oh yeah...

I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

EH OH

Thats a zinger

To Michael Nystrom

Cheers! To one tough son of a bitch

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

Secretly...

He is Canadian....

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

he did forge the Grand Canyon

while drinking a case of Labatts....

"The two weakest arguments for any issue on the House floor are moral and constitutional"
Ron Paul

jrd3820's picture

Rocketman!

Here you are....so far away, yet so close.

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”
― Dr. Seuss

I heard he braids his beard and hair with burning incense

and howls like a wild-eyed madman when he enters a room.

When Chuck Norris Gets Scared...

He calls Michael!

"I, __________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oath_of_enlistment

There is no duration defined in the Oath

He has dandruff

the size of mice

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

you rascal you —

and so hilarious!

"If you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before." Debra Medina

that -1 is also hilarious

but confusing....

"If you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before." Debra Medina

He Likes Michael Jackson

I am pretty sure.

skippy

Had a one night stand with

Had a one night stand with Boy George and broke his heart....

----------------------------------------------------------
"Ehhh, What's ups Doc?" B.Bunny "Scwewy Wabbit!"E. Fudd
People's Awareness Coalition: Deprogramming Sequence

now all the wrinkles in the tarp

at yankees stadium make sense.

"The two weakest arguments for any issue on the House floor are moral and constitutional"
Ron Paul

He did all the makeup

on the Planet of the Apes movie

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

i heard he once pulled the mask off the Lone Ranger

and peed on Superman's cape.

"The two weakest arguments for any issue on the House floor are moral and constitutional"
Ron Paul

To Michael Nystrom! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch

who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

he's at least

20 foot and breathes fire

You know

He would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

i heard he just smashed the bottle neck against a

wall and stabbed himself with it

They say Gene Radenburry

got the idea for Star Trek from Nystrom talking in his sleep

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.

He onced punched a hole in a cow

So he could see who was coming up the road....

For Freedom!
The World is my country, all mankind is my brethren, to do good is my religion.