58 votes

Bill To Regulate Pressure Cookers Gaining Steam

A bipartisan bill introduced on Monday will require background checks for pressure cooker sales and set limits on sales of nails and ball bearings.

House Bill 10-289, the 'Pressure Cooker Prevention of Crime and Protection of Children Act of 2013' (PCPCPCA) has already gained 391 sponsors spanning both of the two sides of the political spectrum, the Democrats and the Republicans.

However, despite the tragedy of April 15 in Boston, which killed three people including an innocent child, and injured hundreds including probably at least two dozen innocent, sweet little children, some politicians are actually opposing it.

"I know it's a cliche, but I'm gonna say it again - if pressure cookers are outlawed, then only outlaws will have pressure cookers" said Senator Rand Paul, a noted rabble-rouser and suspected right-wing Republican.

Other voices in Washington were more reasonable.

"I appreciate pressure cookers and respect the American pressure cooker culture" said Congressman Jack Slipjaw (D-South Dakota) "but the simple fact remains: nobody needs more than one pressure cooker, and nobody but a bloodthirsty terrorist needs one with greater than a 6-inch diameter. Background checks and a waiting period will save countless lives in the future, many of them innocent small beautiful children lives, like that one that was killed in Boston."

"The language in the bill is too vague" opined Rep. Randy Rootentooter (R-Hawaii). "A 5-day waiting period for 6-inch wide pressure cookers, but a 7-day period for cookers 8 1/4 inches wide or greater? These designations are arbitrary, and discussing them is just arguing semantics. Semantics with numbers instead of words."

A rider on page 391 of the bill concerning the purchase of nails and ball bearings is also drawing criticism. Senator Sassy Grassstain, another Republican politician from Alabama or Louisiana, may actually have her head screwed on straight. "We have taken many factors into consideration while considering the factors for sales of nails and ball-bearings, and have come to the logical conclusion that nails shorter than one inch cannot pierce vital organs and therefore will be allowed for sale without a nail-owner's permit. Anything longer than that is a deadly weapon or at least a dangerous one if used by an unqualified person to do home repairs that should only be tackled by a professional.

"Furthermore," he/she stated, "all purchases of ball bearings should be immediately eyed with suspicion. Think about it. When is the last time you've needed a box of ball bearings? Clearly only machine shops and terrorists need a whole box of deadly ball bearings."

The bill is expected to pass the Senate and be signed into law on Tuesday.

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Cartoon Physics

One of the problems with voters and their elected officials is they learn physics from cartoons. Some become TV writers and perpetuate the problem.

It's important to note that if a cooker or a boiler is emitting steam, it is much less likely to blow up than one under increasing pressure with no outlet. "Letting off steam" is a good thing.

Perhaps they should add some amendments to make sure people take physics classes, first, just to make sure they aren't more interested in "flying a plane instead of landing one."

What do you think? http://consequeries.com/

I'm Glad

It gives me more confidence to know that the cashiers at Bed, Bath, & Beyond are now on the front lines in the war on terror.

It occurs to me that by packing new ball-bearings in lard, we might also enlist family pets as spotters when out in public.

Of course, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but, last time I asked a dog what he wanted--because he'd already been fed--he kept responding with whimpers and chop-licks. I finally asked him to show me. He was delighted to see me get up to follow him into the kitchen where he sat down next to his dishes and the sink. I asked again, and this time he glanced up at the sink.

His water dish was empty. Duh. People training might be required.

What do you think? http://consequeries.com/

"People Don't Need Pressure Cookers!" says Governor Cuomo

Governor Cuomo announced at a press conference in Albany today:

"There is absolutely no reason for citizens to have access to pressure cookers. They're dangerous if not used properly and because of public education, the average person is too dumb to read instructions."

"Therefore on behalf of my concern for the safety of all New Yorkers, I am strongly urging the legislature to mandate licensing of pressure cookers, requiring the redesign of safety features to automatically ring a bell and audio announce, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson," require training for their proper usage, re-certification every two years and on demand periodic inspection by local law enforcement without a search warrant."

"I will not rest until this pressure cooker menace is brought under control of State government to ensure the safety and security of every one of the tax paying public."

A collective sigh of relief was heard from the sycophantic media as they clapped and cheered for the governor's proclamation. Once again the State has rescued us from our own incompetence and lack of commonsense (burp). We are protected and safe from this danger by the all seeing and all knowing plenary power of government. All hail absolutum dominium.

I actually offended some friends

I actually offended some friends by saying, "Maybe we should pass some legislation to outlaw bombs." Granted it was _on_ the day of the bombing... I'm not known for my tact or sensitivity... ;)

They can have my pressure cooker

when they pry it from my dead scalded hands.

If not us than who?

That was FUNNY

Made me laugh and I needed it!

Laurelai

Clever title.

Clever title.

Liked the 10-289 reference to AS

A friend of mine had an unregistered pressure cooker and was not licensed to operate it and when he attempted to sterilize some cow manure in it for a nefarious purpose it exploded in his kitchen and made a horrible mess. No one was hurt because they were in the living room smoking a blunt thank goodness. So the lesson here is along with split peas don't put cow manure in a pressure cooker.

10-289 - the most memorable sequence of digits

In literary history.

Glad you caught the reference... The silly congressman names were inspired by the ones in Atlas Shrugged, and the Bush II regime as well...

Cuffy Meggs, Tinky Holloway, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney...

9-11 was a panda job.

Outrage!!

Rice is best cooked in pressure cookers. It simply does not cook as well in anything else. Rice is a source of carbohydrates. Carbohydrates are what our body uses for fuel.

Can you smell something evil cooking? I know I do. And guess what? Its NOT rice!!

#omg #buildaburger #nwo #gubmint

People don't need pressure

People don't need pressure cookers, they can use crock pots.

Yeah, let's extend the

Yeah, let's extend the cooking time from 5 minutes to 8 hours.

But the food tastes sooo good

But the food tastes sooo good when its been savoring for 8 hours! And it would give the authorities more time to find the bomb.

a crock pot bomb would take forever

6-8 hours on low....and remember a watched pot never boils. Oh yeah,.. it would be hidden from view... Never mind..

Laurelai

You went in a different

You went in a different direction then what I was intending but good thinking.

Pressure Cookers.....

already have regulators.

Because: Some animals are more equal than other animals. -Animal Farm-

What the? > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MTIwY3_-ks

Michael Nystrom's picture

Good one

Thank you.

To be mean is never excusable, but there is some merit in knowing that one is; the most irreparable of vices is to do evil out of stupidity. - C.B.

Blizzards, hurricanes, false-flag bombings...

All this stuff happening to one of the coolest people in the world (you) MAKES ME MAD!!!

So I make jokes. Glad you like. :)

9-11 was a panda job.

Bc apparently were all children now

What a disgrace

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right. -Henry Ford

You do realize this is a

You do realize this is a joke... right?

Why not believe it, I don't see a second amendment protecting

A right to bear pressure cookers.

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right. -Henry Ford

Haha

Yes! People are actually believing it! Mostly the conspiracy crowd who "examine everything!" =P

Watch them try to pass it off as sarcasm later =)

tasmlab's picture

REAL libertarians

REAL libertarians use crock pots anyways.

Ron Paul 2016!

Currently consuming: Gatto: "Underground history of education..", FDR; Wii U; NEP Football

hey, that's what I always said!

why go pressure-cook-o, when you can go crock-o??

Predictions in due Time...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGDisyWkIBM

"Let it not be said that no one cared, that no one objected once it's realized that our liberties and wealth are in jeopardy." - Dr. Ronald Ernest Paul

uh...

yeah because you can't solder a lid on a pot... or can't buy pipe's and make pipe bombs... riiiiiiiight.. ok.

LOL

I use Blue Wave, but don't expect one of THEIR silly taglines.

Slippery slope

I'll put up less of a fight to keep my pressure cooker because I can still fight to get it back. It doesn't work that way with guns.

Defend Liberty!

just saw it was posted under

just saw it was posted under 'humor' ;) Had me going. Nothing surprises me anymore in the good ole United States of Economic Collapse

“Let it not be said that no one cared, that no one objected once it’s realized that our liberties and wealth are in jeopardy.”
― Ron Paul

1. Submit your post to the

1. Submit your post to the Onion
2. $$$$$

Southern Agrarian

Thanks. You're too kind.

I was raised on the Onion, published in my state capitol of Madison.

This pales in comparison to them. Just something I wrote in my head last night during the long skateboard ride home. Heck, I even forgot the part about limiting cooking temperatures to 190 degrees and no more than 4 minutes...

9-11 was a panda job.

I still remember when

they limited the pressure for commercial cooking processes. The Broasted process was at a higher pressure than the limit. Crony capitalism benefited Colonel Sanders that day because Broasted could have emerged a stronger competitor and KFC's process was unaffected. You'll never get Broasted chicken like that again.

Unless you know me. ;) I have access to Broasters that don't conform. But it will get increasingly harder to locate them since these are remnants from when the manufacturing of them was at full scale.

The locations of the machines are a colorful example of a culture driven underground, but I won't enumerate them here because I'm not joking.

Defend Liberty!