48 votes

Okay Skippy D is Coming Out! I Am A Caregiver For An Old Pain In The Ass Parent!

I have tried to stay private because I don't like sharing too much personal info online. I have no accounts with twitter, facebook, google or youtube thanks to them wanting too much personal info. However, I am going to share some info here now because I just don't care who listens anymore. If tptf (the powers that fuck) want to know where I am I can't hide anyhow. WHY do I think anyone here would want to hear my PRIVATE info? Well, I won't be so arrogant as to think they would. BUT, DP is my sounding board, so here is my confession. I am a full time caregiver for my 92 year old dad. He is a ROYAL pain in the ass. He can't hardly talk, can't walk, has to be hand bathed, hand toileted, and everything else. He is a vet from WW2 and Korea, he is demanding as hell, inconsiderate as hell, and is biased, opinionated, smelly and self centered as hell. He is also sharp as hell. I had to sell my house in Dallas and move in with this guy because his live-in caregiver stole all his money, took his car, trashed my parents home and ran up huge bills in my dad's name. I am going to shut now because I would have to write a book to explain this whole ordeal. He is ringing his freaking bell as we speak, Skippy has to go deal. I am very good to him, I watch old movies with him that are so loud it almost bursts my eardrums because he would have to have the volumn up full blast for him to hear since he Won't wear his hearing aides. Okay, I shall shut up or else go on and on. Had to stop for "BM" time. Anyone here ever wipe your own dad's ass on a regular basis? It sucks big time. NOW he is ringing his bell again even as I write. (15 minutes later) Had to hear about how neglectful I was for not being there for a few. Anyone here know where skip a doodle is coming from? I have been doing this for years and before that and now I have a child as well with severe disabilities. What a mess I live! But I have it better than people in the middle east. Right? I am venting here. Please forgive my misspelling and bad grammar. I am a mess right now. Thanks




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About getting help in the home...

Just do it! My husband balked at the idea for a long time. Finally, I didn't give him a choice and just did it. It gave me a very much needed break 3 days a week for about an hour and a half, on those days. Now, he absolutely loves the woman who comes in to help him with the morning routine 3 days a week and he gives her a kiss on the hand before she leaves every time.

It's good, not just because you get a break but, also because it gives your dad someone else to talk to! He needs more stimulation from the outside.

You'll see a positive change in the attitude, once he gets used to having that extra person around. It gives him something to look forward to. Just expect a period of adjustment before the good results happen.

Thanks For The Advice, BUT

I have in home care and respite. The problem is that I have been robbed by at least one of the people that do it. There is a constant parade of new people coming and going because they only get paid nine bucks per hour to show up and care for dad. The VA pays 15 but the help only makes nine of that and most of the women that come are flakes. No offense to the honest ones. They all have issues and I never know who I am giving free reign of the house to. I fear going off to do my shopping etc and leaving the house open to total strangers. One even ripped off a 1500.00 saxophone of my daughter's but I don't know which one so I can't sue the company that the help worked for.. Please be careful who you let into your house in the name of relief! I have also had other things of value stolen. Not just the sax. BEWARE. Anyway, I appreciate you responding Nonna, I had heard from Fishy that you were a caregiver. I hope you don't experience the problems I have had. My dad is an ass pure and simple. He has nurses from the VA come every two weeks, neighbors, and relatives around ALL the time as well as in home care and still is a spoiled demanding over grown baby. I am told that I treat him too good and should put him in a home so that I and my spouse can have a life. We are not spring chicks ourselves and people say we should be enjoying OUR golden years but I can't bring myself to do that. Please feel free to vent to me anytime you might feel the need. I am almost sorry I vented on DP because I feel like a wimp but I am glad it brought other caregivers to the surface. We NEED to have companionship.

skippy

One thing about the DP community I've learned is

that when they find out that a member is in need, they are there for that person. It has been my experience that DPers are the kindest, most caring, generous, and best people on the face of the earth.

You shouldn't feel badly about having vented here. People do care. I think I will do that post for caregivers (unless you want to). It would be a good place for us and others to give and receive advice, as well as to a place for us to just vent. Anyone who has been in that position knows how great the need to vent gets at times.

The VA contracts out to a nursing agency for home health aides and nurses. We've had a couple of winners here, that's for sure. I got on the phone immediately and reported the problems we encountered to the agency. Now, we have a great lady coming to the house. It took a while but, being a squeaky wheel in these circumstances, does get results. The thing the agencies care about the most is lawsuits. If you don't get honest help, contact the VA and let them know. Here, in my State, the VA, WITHOUT NOTICE TO ANYONE, dropped one of the agencies they used when they discovered Medicare fraud.

It's worth a shot, anyway. You have nothing to lose by contacting someone about the problems.

I just want you to know I

I just want you to know I know where you are coming from. I help my sister take car of my mom full time. I am 59, she is 60, and mom will be 88 soon. Many of the things are similar, however you may just have it a little worse. We are doing our darndest to protect what we can of my late father's wealth but we get hardly any help from the other siblings (of which there are 10). This is unbelievable but they just do not care wether they get any inheritance or not. They absolutely refuse to work for her money at all. Oh well all I can say is that I did what I could and kept as much as I could from the thieves we call "healthcare". If my sister goes down we won't have a choice but to put mom in a home and all the squawking from the lazy fools will be too little too late.

I Have Gone Back

to MY own comments and find that some are not totally coherent. I think I am tired from caregiving. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I hope nobody here thinks I am seeking attention (like it has been suggested) I was merely venting here because DP is where I feel the most simpatico. Or used to anyway. Thanks though. No offense to all of you that have posted kind comments here. Like I said, I am tired and I really need a break. Much thanks to all of those here that understand. I feel for all of you here that have to deal with the kind of issues I deal with on a daily basis. It's a tough job and a hard decision to make to dedicate ones self and their family to caring for an elderly relative. It affects the WHOLE immediate family and I am thankful I have one that supports me. And I thank all of you that have too!

skippy

Thanks for sharing your story Skippy

I will be praying for you each day. May your heavy load be lightened.

When I hear stories like yours, my blood boils knowing that our tax dollars are being given to corrupt politicians and terrorists all over the world instead of helping decent Americans like yourself care for their loved ones.

I admire you

My sister and my sister-in-law have been sending our mothers to each other for years, and they are not nearly as much work as your father needs, of course they are 15 years younger, so things might change on that front.

I hope you are taking advantage of whatever VA or Medicare can offer as far as assistants that can come in and help you. Your father has paid for this assistance, and you deserve it.

It's easy...

...to sit behind the keyboard and talk about Love in the theoretical sense, as I often do here. Thank you for being a real example of it -- actually lived out and demonstrated with action.

'...let us not love with word or tongue, but with action and in truth...'

I hope I have your dedication and devotion, even in difficult circumstances, when I'm faced with the same things in my own family. I've been so sheltered from that so far.

Thanks, skippy.

Hugs Skippy

It's a labor of love. I've been close but luckily didn't have the bathroom duty. It hurts. But it's all worth it.

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion.
-Thomas Paine

This Is Why I Love DP

Thanks to all of you for the kind support and sharing. I had a real bad day and needed to vent. I take good care of my dad, and now my daughter is going blind due to diabetes so I have my hands full. I neglect myself and my spouse to take care of those here assume I am twenty something. I wish I were. Do I seem that immature in my comments? Anyway, I am not but that's okay to assume so. Thanks again for the feedback!

skippy

Hey Skippy I don't believe if you've ever

said if you are male or female .. doesn't really matter..just wondering..

Laurelai

You are young at heart, and is shows! I'd say it's a good thing!

It must be hard to know your daughter is loosing her sight. Thank you for sharing. I read this week...or was it last, that deacon and Nonna are caregivers too. You never know what is going on in a life behind a DP ID...

scawarren's picture

I don't think you seem

I don't think you seem immature, skippy. I hope things improve for you and your loved ones. I feel for your daughter... my father was blind and my refractive vision is a minus 17.5. I was unable to see the big E on the eye chart by the age of six and my glasses are now literally as big as Coke bottle bottoms. Best wishes to you, stay strong :)

"The duty of a true patriot is to protect his country from its government." -Thomas Paine

I, too thought that you were quite young

so when you said that your Dad was 92 I was very surprised. Must be hard giving that care as an older person. So,so sorry to read of your daughter.. in my prayers and thoughts.

Laurelai

Skippy Is Old And Gray

Surprise. I also took care of my mom while she was dying of cancer. I held her hand while she died. It was awful but I couldn't wimp out like my brother did. I hope no one here has to experience that. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But taking care of a diabetic child was real hard too. I guess I am just bound to be a caregiver for life!

skippy

Hi Skippy

I feel your pain, but you are doing what we all must do. Care for our parents as they cared for us, help them journey out of the wold as they helped us into it. I also cared for my mom when she died of cancer last year. The night before she died, I slept on the bed with her, and I was so so tired when I gave her the morphine. Screw me for saying so, but I was never sure if I did her dose right, I was just so tired. She died half an hour later. It was her time, and if I helped it along by supplying a little too much morphine then all the better. I was exhausted and couldn't see the dosage. Anyway, she died in front of me and it was a blessing, for her.
I am so sorry about your daughter. If you have more info about her condition, maybe we could all help??
And Skippy, there is no harm in venting. You are under enormous stress. Bless you, and please understand we all wish you well and are keeping you in our thoughts.

Colchester, New London County, Connecticut

Skippy, I admire what you are doing!

I have always said I want to care for my parents and will never "put them in a nursing home." There is a part of me that dreads the day when I will live out the words of actually caring for them. It is hard enough to do those things for a new born or toddler, cute and cuddley. But a parent, old, and big, and cranky is hard to imagine.
Hats off to you my friend!

http://youtu.be/Koj5yGigFNU

scawarren's picture

Same thing here, bear. I only

Same thing here, bear. I only have my Mom left and thankfully she's doing pretty well for 74 but I dread that day and so does she.

"The duty of a true patriot is to protect his country from its government." -Thomas Paine

I actually only have my mom and my husband's mom.

My dad passed suddenly.

"and so does she"

Yes, it is hard to age and loose ability. Hard for both the care giver as well as the recipient.

I enjoyed the morning with my mom today. She is 70 and in good health. My mother-in-law is 81 and still working!

...

First time care giver here.....

First time care giver here..... I'm going into week three of my "night shift" with my much loved aunt and uncle... I do 9pm to 8am. Thankfully auntie and uncle are sweet people who rarely raise their voice. Taking a crash course on working with family, professional care givers, and hospice.

Currently not getting enough sleep as both relatives use wheeled walkers to get to bathrooms. Aunts mobility is declining, and Uncles mobility is improving.... either way I try to listen to their movings at night and give them a hand.

Current big worry from Uncle is he's scared someone will take his house, and push him into the retirement home. His wife will leave us soon with terminal cancer and he'll be alone ( other than me and family by his side ) as they have no children. I've read that medicare can only claim his assets once he's passed. BUT IS IT POSSIBLE that a judge or doctor could rule him incapable of of living at home, and force him into a retirement home against his will ? Thanks in advance for any advice.

Ramblin Randy

Not as long as...

Not as long as he is of sound mind. If there ever comes a time where he cannot make decisions for himself and if there is no one the adequately care for him..it is possible they could place him in a long term care facility. That's why having a power of attorney is so important and you definantly need to make sure he has one asap. I do believe it would take awful lot to get an MD to involuntarily commit someone. But the POA needs established so it would make it less likely to happen.

FYI I am a nurse who visits the I'll and elderly in their homes to keep them out of long term care as long as possible and maybe never even have to go to long term care facilities. I have also done some hospice work. I would strongly recommend that you get in touch with a home healthcare agency in your area. Think it would probably help you a lot. :)

Hang in there Skippy.

As others here have suggested, get as much outside help as you can. I'll give you my story, the short version. Father-in-law lived close then moved north because mother-in-law had altimezers and he thought it would help her being in the mountains. MIL's brother lived with them since they were married 50+ years as he suffered from the rath of polio as a child. No other family members stepped up to the plate except on a rare occasion. Within 5 months FIL diagnosed with terminal illness and few options. Still no help. The straw that broke the camel's back was phone call from FIL saying he was getting the snow out of the gutters on the house because grandson was to busy to help. My husband took what he thought was an unpaid leave of absence from work and left immediately. Dad died six months later, and with deep saddness we put mom and uncle in nursing home. My husband came home to no job. We struggled income wise for a long time but, we would not change a thing we did.

I do have a suggestion. Get a tape recorder and do an oral interview of your dad. Ask directed questions about his childhood, what was his house like, inventions that amazed him, etc. This was done for my mom and I cherish it.

Hi Skippy.

I know sometimes it might seem like everybody on this site leads such successful lives and have it all together all the time but I'm sure for the most of us it would only be an illusion. I have told my story many times on this site and I'm sure most people get sick of hearing about it, but in 2007 I lost everything, I gambled on small business and completely went under. I lost my house, I got divorced and pretty much had to start from scratch.

Ever since then I've never exactly been able to get back on my feet, I've tried a few different things but I always seem to fail. I'm a veteran but I can't get a good job because I have a low re-enlistment code. I was honorably discharged but for corporations that doesnt count for squat they look at your re-enlistment code.

I got it because I wouldn't reenlist anyway to make a long story short. I'm dead broke living in a trailer home on my parents land. I drive a 96 Lincoln town car and I'm telling you this because you don't have to feel like you're the only one who's got problems.

BTW I find it interesting that you said your dad was 92 years old. I always took you for a very young man I thought you were in your 20s. Anyway if you are your dad must've been quite a stud in his young days of 70 ha ha.

So you're from Dallas? I live just outside of Fort Worth shoot me over an e-mail and will hang.

I Don't Know How To Send Emails From DP

Thank you for your comment. I have moved to Arkansas to take care of my dad but I will be happy to hang via email. Just tell me how to do that because I have never tried to email anyone from this site before. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Hope it will get better but at least you don't have tons of debt and a big mortgage. I count that as a blessing.

skippy

Look Skippy, what I'm saying

Is the next time you're in Dallas look me up. I mean if you punch my name. I believe you will see a word that says contact press that and then you'll be able to communicate with me and it will go to my e-mail.

I mean you know if you want to get a little crazy sometime hang out at my trailer. Drink some wine do some cannonballs, kinda like how Bill Murray and Chevy Chase hung out in Caddy shack. Then just shoot me over an e-mail. The trailers not much but the land is really beautiful I live on 10 acres out in the country.

I mean Me Casa Su Casa and that goes for anybody else on the DP.

Thank You

I won't be going anywhere while my dads alive. I can't go off and leave him for any length of time but thanks for the offer. I have respite but that's only for 6 hours 30 times a year. No long trips in my near future.

skippy

Ok just remember.

The invatation is always open.

I understand

completely! My parents moved in with us just before Christmas and they're driving me a little nuts. I love them to pieces but they're a handful. They have major health problems and need care (not to the degree your father does) but whats really bugging me is I have 3 brothers and a sister who rarely visit but feel the need to constantly call me and tell me what I need to be doing. I understand some of that's my parents fault, they call and complain about every little thing because they have nothing better to do. God forbid we run out of freakin bananas, I get chewed out by my Mom and then I get 4 phone calls about how important it is for Dad to get his potassium. Of course, if I buy too many bananas I never hear the end of that either. I swear I'm starting to have a banana complex. Damned if you do, damned if ya don't. Hang in there Skippy, you're not alone.

there is a Veterans Benefit

called Aid and Attendance. Maybe you can find some help. Better for all involved to get some respite help than to snap. (((hug)))

Another thing that might help is headphones or a personal speaker for the tv, on a table by his chair. My mom is hard of hearing and step dad is not, that's how they deal.

Don't forget to take care of you. xoxo

Thank You

I get help from the VA but my dad is extremely clingy when it comes to me. Don't know why. I love him but he is making me nuts!

skippy