48 votes

Okay Skippy D is Coming Out! I Am A Caregiver For An Old Pain In The Ass Parent!

I have tried to stay private because I don't like sharing too much personal info online. I have no accounts with twitter, facebook, google or youtube thanks to them wanting too much personal info. However, I am going to share some info here now because I just don't care who listens anymore. If tptf (the powers that fuck) want to know where I am I can't hide anyhow. WHY do I think anyone here would want to hear my PRIVATE info? Well, I won't be so arrogant as to think they would. BUT, DP is my sounding board, so here is my confession. I am a full time caregiver for my 92 year old dad. He is a ROYAL pain in the ass. He can't hardly talk, can't walk, has to be hand bathed, hand toileted, and everything else. He is a vet from WW2 and Korea, he is demanding as hell, inconsiderate as hell, and is biased, opinionated, smelly and self centered as hell. He is also sharp as hell. I had to sell my house in Dallas and move in with this guy because his live-in caregiver stole all his money, took his car, trashed my parents home and ran up huge bills in my dad's name. I am going to shut now because I would have to write a book to explain this whole ordeal. He is ringing his freaking bell as we speak, Skippy has to go deal. I am very good to him, I watch old movies with him that are so loud it almost bursts my eardrums because he would have to have the volumn up full blast for him to hear since he Won't wear his hearing aides. Okay, I shall shut up or else go on and on. Had to stop for "BM" time. Anyone here ever wipe your own dad's ass on a regular basis? It sucks big time. NOW he is ringing his bell again even as I write. (15 minutes later) Had to hear about how neglectful I was for not being there for a few. Anyone here know where skip a doodle is coming from? I have been doing this for years and before that and now I have a child as well with severe disabilities. What a mess I live! But I have it better than people in the middle east. Right? I am venting here. Please forgive my misspelling and bad grammar. I am a mess right now. Thanks

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Almost there

No toilet duties yet

We all need to speak out loudly right now

They count on fear to silence the masses. If we all ignore them and speak even more loudly, however, what can they do? Arrest the whole population? And what's the alternative? Being silent and having TPTB successfully carry out their plans?

One last comment then I;ll leave you be

Skippy, you have permission to be selfish. We have a society that has somehow twisted taking care of ourselves into "selfish" and it is ridiculous. You are MORE able to be loving and give love the HEALTHIER you are. So, take yourself out to your favorite restaurant, go to a nice concert, have a walk in the wilderness. Truth is, your Creator put you in charge of one life, and one life only. If you neglect your job to give your care to someone else, it is like telling the Creator that it was a screw up to put you in charge of your life... ;)
Hugs!

Love or fear? Chose again with every breath.

I completely understand..

I was end of life caregiver for my younger sister and both my parents and I helped take care of a older gentleman who was grouchy and in pain ex-military until he passed away last week. I'll miss him 'cause we had some great conversations. I've taken care of someone with a colostomy.. someone with intestinal blockage so that everything came UP instead of OUT if you know what I mean.. I know the dinging bell at all hours of the day and night.. their need for attention, for just being seen as a still valuable person.. it's very hard but also, especially with a family member, one of the most loving and important things you will ever do in your life... and also one of the most miserable.. I know. So as far as I'm concerned vent away~

Garnet
Daughter of 1776 American Revolutionists

fireant's picture

Vent here as much as you wish.

I did the same for both of mine; equally as difficult. Probably the most difficult thing ever in my life. Real giving is painful, but it is pure giving, with no expectation of reward.
VA will help if you are not aware. They have a caregiver respite program to give you some time off. And if you can afford to find sitters to relieve you, it's the only thing which allowed my sanity.

Undo what Wilson did

I'll listen to you vent anytime

and help if I can.

Laurelai

you see, thats the thing

you see, thats the thing about doing something noble, sometimes you cant tell when your doing it

Dont know how many people would be willing to do what you do in this day and age when the thing presents itself, but i know one thing personally, what you do, i look up to, and if prayers were miracles, i'd pray that you and your dad find happiness, however much of a pita he may be :) ......all due respect

No.7's picture

You'll miss it when he's dead

It's a good thing you're doing, and you should keep doing it. You'll be thankful you did one day.

The individual who refuses to defend his rights when called by his Government, deserves to be a slave, and must be punished as an enemy of his country and friend to her foe. - Andrew Jackson

Not so sure about

You'll " miss it" when he's dead. I don't think anyone would miss doing what Skippy is doing . Miss him ? yes.

Laurelai

Skippy, FIND RESPITE CARE

And if you have any wits about you, HIRE NURSE RATCHETT. Make sure you get someone VERY experienced, so they will not be actually risking your father's well being, but there are LOTS of health care workers who know just how to handle cranky patients, and they ARE NOT OUR DAD so we can get away with it. A few hours a couple times a week, or one full day per week, whatever you can arrange and be comfortable with.
But YOU need REGULAR time to live without hopping to a bell. He needs to learn to appreciate your kindness, or he gets to die with you resenting your last days together. That is no good for anyone. Hire someone who is able and willing to tell him "No" to unreasonable demands. And for the love of GOD, take his bell away. You are NOT a dog, do not fall for that crap. Set a timer on your watch, tell him you will check in every (whatever is reasonable with his condition - 2 hours, maybe?) Then, if he has a real emergency, well, a bell is not an emergency sounding device. Give him an airhorn. Make sure if he decides to summon you that he will not enjoy the experience.
Friggin' Galadriel's test you have given him! If I had a magic bell... "Tinkle, tinkle..." and here comes a genie, to grant my wishes... Yeah, who would not ring the hell out of that bell? LOL!
I don't know what resources you may have available, but there are agencies that will get the government to pay for respite care, and they will pay for family members or friends to give the care. This is the only life YOU get, too, so strike the balance, my friend.
Oh, and then find one thing you can do every day that you both enjoy. Game of checkers? Cards? 50's sitcom reruns? When that time of day comes, be there 100% with him, and do not skip it or be late.

Love or fear? Chose again with every breath.

I Have Respite But

stuff started going missing including a 1500.00 saxophone and I have no way to tell who stole it because there is a constant parade of "help" going through the house. Most of those people don't last long because it doesn't pay much. Thanks for the advice though.

skippy

Skilled care

costs a lot of money. My family didn't have the money for that to care for our mom, who needed 24-7 care following a massive stroke. But we discovered that 99.9% of Island ladies are amazing. They are the kindest, gentlest, sweetest women ever, and they revere the elderly. My mom's care taker was named Fusipalla from Tonga. She had gold teeth, a big laugh and she really just melded into the family. We loved her. We provided room and board and a decent salary. Even if you could swing just one night a week - give yourself a break, sweetie!

When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. ~J. Swift

I Have That Through The VA

I have people come help but they have stolen more than they have helped. I have to train each one and most are absolutely worthless. The VA is good though. They take good care of Dad but I feel like a hypocrite bitching about the government and accepting help from the VA

skippy

There are "adult day care" facilities now

I'm not trying to pretend any of this is easy. The best scenario might be if you have siblings or friends who could use a little extra money anyway, see if you can get them OK'd to be respite caregivers, and get the government to pay for them to do it. Then you know he is well cared for, and your home is in good hands. Get over the "entitlement" taboo, do what you have to do. None of us want any kind of government handout, but they have DELIBERATELY made it so we have no where else to turn for help, and we all need a little help now and then.
Random thought - when my mom was caring for my grandma, grandma got REALLY depressed and cranky. Mom practiced homeopathy, and she slipped grandma some nux vomica
https://abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Nux-v
and rhus tox
https://abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Rhus-t
and grandma responded beautifully. {Don't tell me homeopathy is all placebo, grandma did not even know she was getting it.)

Love or fear? Chose again with every breath.

You are accepting care

for your Father who EARNED IT!!!!!

Laurelai

I'm with laurelai on this issue

I agree with ALL of lauelai's posts on this thread.

Get help http://www.helpguide.org/elder/respite_care.htm

Peace be with you.

Find a good agency and insist that they send

consistent caregivers . That has been the most frequent complaint that I've heard in my job.. having to train and train and train new people in the home. I have been with people for months or years at a time and we work together like a well oiled machine. I anticipate all of their needs and quickly learn their routine. They in turn trust me to really Care for them . we become friends. Right now I've been ill and unable to care for my client for five days and I KNOW that the first thing I'm going to hear when I come back is "I'm so glad to see you"! I had to tell those people how I wanted everything done and how to do it and they still didn't do it right and I was exhausted" I'll just smile because because I'll be glad to be back with her too.

Laurelai

I did this for my mother in law's mom.

they all (children included) appreciated it, as well. It is great that you have such compassion for your clients.

"Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~~C.S. Lewis
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

SEE? This is the kind of person you need to find, and they DO

exist, and there IS one near you.
Now, lauralei, please tell me what you would do if your client took to ringing a bell at you at every whim?
PROFESSIONAL like lauralei know how to get patients past that "Can I still cause an effect on my environment?" insecurity that tends to manifest in making loved ones hop for our entertainment. It is not about being mean or ignoring them, it is helping them to feel secure that you WILL be there when they DO need you, to a level where they stop wondering if you will show up when they ring the bell THIS time... It is hard to become an old person, start losing your independence, start needing care from people you always were responsible to care for...
"Tough love" some call it, but you have to "set boundaries" to borrow a bit of psychobabble.

Love or fear? Chose again with every breath.

Well my current client (88)

Still likes to be as independent as possible and will say "I'm a big girl" if I offer to help her to dress or undress when she's feeling strong but I always offer and she is grateful on her weak (bad) days.

She is not demanding..but @times would like to have me make trips to the kitchen for this or that mere minutes apart. When I notice this I will say"I'm going to the kitchen now..do you want your Tom Collins now? how bout some chips?etc. When I come back I'll sit and watch the show with you " It always seems to work well but again it is not my parent. If she were cranky or ungrateful or a serious pain in the ass type I GET TO GO HOME and I get paid to do what I do.
I think that that part of what I just said is the key.
Plus I'm always thanked for everything I do..and at the end of the evening we hug and kiss on the cheek. My job is good.

what I experience is so different from what Skippy d is going through.

The only thing I can say is to go through the VA and take your waiver to a good agency with a stellar reputation in your town.

Laurelai

THANK YOU.

Your reply raises an excellent point. Skippy's dad will likely be kinder to someone who he knows has the option of not coming back. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

Love or fear? Chose again with every breath.

Thank you Fishy

I had a client's husband who was harsh and unreasonable and downright nasty. They had been through 15 caregivers before me. I made it longer than the rest and he requested me. He kept up the unreasonable disrespectful treatment of me so one day I sat him down ,looked him in the eye and said "I am giving loving care to your wife.if I ever stop wanting to come here it won't be because of her.." I held his gaze and he gulped. We became somewhat friends from then on. You father will have "party manners" with a good caregiver and will want mutual respect.

Laurelai

I know it's tough, but be as kind to him as you can

You will feel awful after he dies if you don't.
That's a rough position to be in. Do you have anyone who can come in for a couple of hours a week so you can get out and breathe?

Skippy, I can feel how frustrated you are

By what you are saying but I have to admit that the way you say things make me smile if not laugh.
That being said, I know that you can get waivers through the V.A. for respite care especially if he needs total help in Activities of Daily Living (ADL)
I have gone to many clients with waivers,some for three hours 2-3 days a week .Some had 3 hours of personal care, some had 2-3 hrs of homemaker care, some had both. A caseworker will come to the home and evaluate your and your Father's situation. As soon as that is in place a great deal of pressure will be lifted from your shoulders. If only because you don't have to bear the entire physical and emotional burden and can get away from the home for a few hours. Also the caregiver can lend you an ear during frustrating times. I've stayed late many a time just so the full time caregiver had someone to talk to.Here is the link
http://www1.va.gov/vhapublications/viewpublication.asp?pub_i...

I'm so sorry that he had a crook for a caregiver. The V.A. works with private agencies whose caregivers are bonded and vetted.

I am a care giver but thank God my longest shift is 8 hours. I know that I can "go home" You are home ..big difference Please look into this, you sound burned out and who wouldn't be..keeping someone in their own home for as long as possible is very noble but exhausting.

Laurelai