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Caregivers Helping Caregivers

This post is for all primary caregiver DPers for comments, suggestions, moral support, or to just vent, as the caregiver is under unimaginable stress 24/7.

Being the primary caregiver for a loved one takes a heavy toll on a person. Some people just can’t stand by and do nothing, even though other family members seem very happy to go on with their lives, quite undisturbed by the trauma and heartbreak of it all. But, to be fair, not everyone is cut out for the job. I dare say anyone who hasn’t been in that position doesn’t have a clue about the stress, drama, heartache, and frustrations of the seemingly never ending ordeal caregivers go through on a daily basis. Maybe some of those people will drop by and learn something that they'll remember down the road, should they ever have to take on the role of primary caregiver for their loved ones.

Being a primary caregiver is not a new role for me. I’ve had to do it a few times in the past. It was never easy but, this time is the absolute worst, because I know my beloved husband is slowly dying and it is so very, very, hard to stay calm about it. But, stay calm I must, as all caregivers must remain calm, especially in front of the loved one.

DPers who have been on the receiving end of such care, like our friends, bear and fishy, may have suggestions to help the caregivers tend to loved ones in ways that we haven't thought of yet. Anything that helps is most appreciated! Help is the one thing most of us don’t have… At least, nowhere near enough help to make things a little easier. We get tired and overwhelmed. But, we can make this post a place to recharge ourselves for the next round of problems, with the help from friends we haven't met yet.

I have always found that RP supporters, and DPers in particular, show themselves to be among the most caring and generous people on earth, always willing to help one another. That’s what this post is about. So, go ahead and vent. We understand! Heck, we will probably all take a turn at venting, too, when the stress becomes too overwhelming. I'm sorry I couldn't do this post before our friend, skippy d, burned out and I hope she is lurking here and that the Mods will reconsider and reinstate her membership, after learning about the kind of stress she is under.

Please don't hesitate to ask for help with a specific situation, because you never know... one of us may have "been there/done that" and might have the answer for you. Others of us maybe haven't had that particular problem YET, so those who have dealt with it can be of invaluable assistance for the rest of us. Just being aware of another's pain and supporting that person with warm thoughts and prayers can do wonders.

Caregivers, please visit this post often. You never know when you'll get the answer you didn't know you needed. Of course, prayers are going out to all caregivers from many DPers. May God help us all.

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Rushed hubby back to the ER this weekend.

He was admitted a couple of days ago, treated with antibiotics and had the fluid in his lung drained yesterday, and is being released from the hospital within 24 hours.

One thing I learned about from this trip to the hospital is "Sundowners Syndrome". Ever hear of it? http://sundownerfacts.com/sundowners-syndrome/ The treatments (found on the ribbon at the top) are interesting.

If anyone is dealing with that or has dealt with that, please post what you are doing to help the loved one suffering from it.

deacon's picture

a rant

and a vent.
last yr a week before my birthday i was going through a k-mart parking lot.
my car was hit in the front end,then hit in the back in the same motion
this caused me more pain than i was already in
my car needed a grand of work(did most myself)after a yr,it is still not done
you see,it took out the drivers side steering,the strut,the brakes,tire,and
the rim
June 3rd,we were rear ended,our truck totaled,this was the last thing we had to get around with
the ins companies rented us a vehicle,they have been doing nothing for over a month,phone calls going unanswered,messages left alone
we get a phone call today from the rental agency,they want their car back,
plus the $500 WE OWE THEM!!
the ins company claims we had our truck in the shop getting fixed,this is a lie.they are still fighting over who gets stuck paying us
i have had to go into therapy,as it made my back worse than it was,so now
i have a dead car that still needs repaired,a truck that is totaled,and a rental which we get to pay for,and this is after all med bills!!
so now after a month,i am down to eating once a day( i do this if i feel hungry or not,I just know i need to eat,i have no appetite)
am between a rock and hard place,nothing to get around with,and am so damned sore and hurt,i am at the point i just don't care
I see no way out of of this mess,every time we think we are getting ahead,we go backwards
in the last 2 years,we had to replace ALL of our appliances
the fridge,the stove,washer dryer,furnace,they all just started dying
one after another
I guess i should be real happy to be told,bad things happen,it is a learning experience,or you can learn from it !! learn friggen what?
how others can and will make a mess out of your life,and just walk away?
or how others will take crap on you,then smile??
what the hell can be learned from all this crap?

setting your expectations to high,can cause depression

I don't know what can be learned from it all. I'm still

trying to figure it out in my life, too. Trying hard not to get bitter. That just makes you sick.

Just a thought, deacon, where are you located? Maybe there are some DPers in your area that could help out with rides?

One suggestion. Watch out for arguments on DP with fidiots. That will make you feel a whole lot worse and will accomplish nothing good.

Glad you used this post to vent, rather than take it out on a fidiot commenting nonsense, which would have gotten you in deep crap with MN and/or mods.

It's getting awfully hot outside...

If your loved one seems overly tired or talks crazy, hallucinations even, he/she is probably getting dehydrated.

It is very important that you give him or her lots of water throughout the day. Gatorade is good for the electrolytes but, be careful with the amount of sodium and sugar in it. Drink that only when absolutely necessary and read the label first to get the best one for your situation. WATER, WATER and more WATER.

New journey

My struggle is over, in so far as my family member just passed last week. Now it's time for a new struggle.

TwelveOhOne's picture

So sorry

So sorry to hear.

If I may, some Jin Shin Jyutsu that could help, it's really simple (just hold a finger in the other hand). The mnemonic is "get rid of worry, FAST."

Thumb = worry
Index = fear
Middle = anger
Ring = sadness
Pinky = tension (more like pretension, though)

So in your case I would definitely grip my ring finger with my other hand. Either hand will work, switch off as feels comfortable. The coolest part about this technique is I can do this in a meeting or while waiting somewhere sitting, and it just looks like I'm clasping my hands, whereas I'm healing myself at the same time.

Good luck with the current struggle, and cry a lot, it is also healing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

I Was Going to Suggest EFT

EFT has finger tapping points (meridian points) that work the same way. Most of the time the face and upper points are used, but the fingers have corresponding points. Tapping seems to "re-set" the circuit so that the anxiety associated with the thought is reduced or eliminated.

The technique works on many "feedback loops" from PTSD to alergies and phobias, where a physiological response (like stress hormone release) is linked to a trigger (a thought or experience in the present related to a past event).

People who deal with these issues don't need to suffer in order to provide care--in fact, they can do a much better job if they don't. And, those who are being cared for also can get relief. Everything from pain relief to relief from fear.

These are amazing, free techniques and there are plenty of people using them. As always, do your own research, as some teachers are better than others. (Try a YouTube search.)

What do you think? http://consequeries.com/

So, that's tapping!

Someone mentioned to me a while back that he'd gotten into "tapping" and that it was helping him to relax. Just to show you how clueless I can be.... I thought the guy was talking about tap dancing and an image of Tap Man (Gus' superhero on the tv show, Psych) came into my head. Seriously! If he had just mentioned he'd gotten into ACUPRESSURE tapping, I'd have looked into it right away. LOL

What an EXCELLENT suggestion, IMissLiberty! Thank you so much for suggesting it AND EXPLAINING it better than Tap Man. I will certainly look into it and gather info now. BTW, I am a firm believer in acupuncture, as it has done wonders for me in the past.

If anyone else is doing some research on this subject, if you come across an image of acupressure points on the body, please post a link on this thread. Thanks in advance.

TwelveOhOne's picture


A search for "acupressure points" comes up with several good images. One link is here: http://www.eclecticenergies.com/acupressure/points.php which goes through several points in detail.

The site also has a book list of resources you can get at Amazon, here: http://www.eclecticenergies.com/home/books.php?cat=acu


I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

Very helpful!


ETF isn't spooky at all. It's more like classical conditioning; like Pavlov's dog. The mind is a mighty thing. Not to say acupressure isn't valid. I believe it is and that it works well. The technique you use seems to add that conditioning, which should make it work better and faster, imo.

TwelveOhOne's picture


Thanks so much, (((((IMissLiberty)))))!

I, too, practice ETF -- but for some reason, I'm blocked on using it. I haven't in quite some time, although last week (Friday or Thursday), I did for the first time in ... a year?

It's amazing how well it works. Scary/spooky, I think may be the reason I avoid it -- it's like I'm saying to myself, "The struggle of life is what I've had all this past, so it's what I expect" but when I've done a few rounds of ETF I feel so great, there's no struggle at all.

Thanks for the reinforcement.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

Sincere condolences on the passing of your loved one.

This cyber hug is for you, (((((((Rhysw))))))). Please rest, maybe take a vacation just to relax and unwind, if you can, before moving on to a new struggle.

I've found that after being so involved in the day to day care of a loved one, it was difficult (for me, anyway) to get back to a "normal" life again. But, time will take care of that and "normalcy" will return after you take the time to care about yourself for a while.

Thank you for checking in with us and I hope you will share some of your caregiver experiences here. I'm sure there are caregivers reading this thread who might be helped.

Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time of sorrow and adjustment, (((((Rhysw))))).

It's been raining so much lately

that I'm waiting for Noah to sail by. Not only is the dampness affecting my husband, it got to me now. Aches and pains in my hands and knees and hip. Days like this are not good. Nothing gets done, except meals... and if is wasn't Monday, I'd have ordered delivery... not even take out.

Okay, I had my turn to vent a bit. How are y'all doing? Remember that this post is also for venting. Take advantage of that! I just did.

Help for dealing with dementia.

Much to my surprise, speech therapy isn't just for speech. It is used to help the patient express himself/herself, as very often those patients just can't find the words they want to say. This is an association game to play with someone who has dementia that I recently learned from a speech therapist.

Caregiver asks: What are apples, pears and cherries?

Give the patient at least a full minute or two to answer. If no response, then give a clue: "frrrr...." or "they're something to eat." Again, wait a full minute or two for a response, before giving another clue.

If, after several clues, the patient doesn't know the answer, tell him/her. Then, ask the person to name 3 fruits. It's okay if the response is the same as what you said. You could then ask if the person can name one more fruit.

Go on to veggies, sports, colors, countries, or anything else the person may like or should know.

A few times in between, don't name anything. Instead, ask the person to name 3 related thing. Be specific. Name 3 kinds of meat, 3 desserts, 3 birds or whatever.

Play this game a few times a day. There may be times when the person catches on and tells you he/she doesn't want to do this. Probably a signal that the person is tired. Try it again later on but, don't give up.

I've seen this work! Short term memory improves and the patient doesn't struggle as much to find the words he/she wants to say in conversation. If you try this method, make sure you give the person a full minute or two to respond.

If you find yourself in this situation, give it a try.

I will post another useful technique at another time.

Remember, I'm no expert. Just a caregiver who is leaning as I go... just like most of you. I'd love to hear about anything you've learned along the way, too!

TwelveOhOne's picture

((((Nonna))))! ;)

I have tears in my eyes reading your comment. Thank you for pointing me here to this post.

Without sharing too many details, I'm currently suffering from traumatic brain injury. I am now more forgetful, irritable, and have "vocabulary failures" often, and headaches constantly. Hopefully this is temporary, I'm about six weeks in.

I still try to be civil and thoughtful and helpful (see the exchange with adap2k about the broken link s/he posted). But one of the responses, the first one this morning, was initially worded with the same vitriol that s/he was spewing. Thankfully I noticed and reworded it to be more positive.

It is difficult to think, these days. And I was very good at it.

Sending love your way. Thank you. ((((Nonna))))

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

reedr3v's picture

I am the full-time

caregiver for my adult child, hit by a car at age 22, who suffered a severe left side brain injury. We're dealing with aphasia, right side partial paralysis, short term memory loss, cognitive lapses, the works. In addition to full time frantic effort to help in recovery, I deal constantly with grief at the loss of my former independent loved one while grieving also for the losses she must deal with each day.

Most middle class Americans are so sheltered from catastrophe, this personal one has made me all the more sensitive to the horrors so casually inflicted upon innocent millions by governments around the world. It puts my own nightmare a bit in perspective.

I've seen first hand the kindness of most ordinary people, the absolute necessity of human capital when the worst happens. People talk of gold and preparedness. No one can prepare for total personal devastation. If you have family and friend support, you have a chance.

deacon's picture


sorry to read about your brain injury,i put you in my prayers last night
and upon thinking about you again,my prayers are with you again
a friend turned me onto something different,it is supposed to help
regenerate your body,from the inside out,if it works i will post it here for you,I won't until i try it first(it is costly) but is supposed to be what the ancients used to help with long life
without saying too much,i will say this to you,when others speak of their issues/problems,i can feel them myself,I was better at this before my world fell apart,I kind of like this aspect of now,because,there were times
when i would get so over whelmed,it was like being in a room full of screaming people and i couldn't make out what was being said
anyways,have a great day,and know others have your back :)

setting your expectations to high,can cause depression

TwelveOhOne's picture


Thanks deacon! Please, feel free to share (here or PM), I am willing to research it in parallel -- I want to get better and am looking for anything that can help.

I tended to have issues in loud ambient noise environments, prior to the accident; now, loud noises not only cause me to have difficulty concentrating, they also increase my headaches. (From your "room full of screaming people"; sometimes it seems like that even when it's just normal conversation.)

I understand what you mean by "liking this aspect of now". I'm having different insights lately, like my post "Police Details Save Lives". I kinda like who I am now; I mean, I can't be anyone different (right now), so why not? :) Of course I can change myself as the future approaches, but then there's the understanding of physics and that things happen. Weird to think that we are machines that think we can change our predestination.

Anyway keeping you in thoughts and prayers as well. Hope you have a great evening, (((deacon)))!

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

deacon's picture

i think

your chat feature on your account is turned off,I can't Pm you
and your name is not on the chat at the bottom of the page
try Pming me

setting your expectations to high,can cause depression

Your input will be very valuable for us, (((((TwelveOhOne))))).

As caregivers, we do the best we can but, we are winging it. You, on the other hand, are the loved one, the one on the receiving end. To know how you feel about things going on around you and what you wish people would do when trying to help you, would help caregivers reading this post do thing differently, with that insight. Better results from our actions helps decrease some of the stress we feel.

I'm so sorry to hear about your injury and how it has affected you. Listen to the doctors and above all else, HAVE FAITH!!!! There is real power in prayer. Your mind was good before and it certainly seems to be functioning well now, so I believe you have reason to hope for a good recovery. Ask the doctor about speech therapy. With a doctor's prescription, insurance should cover the cost for a few weeks.

I've had several really bad days this past week. Things started improving this morning. I believe the love you sent has something to do with that. Thank you, (((((TweleveOhOne)))))!!!!! Love is going out to you, too, from everyone who is reading this post, I'm sure. DPers are wonderful people who DO care!!!

TwelveOhOne's picture

Thanks again

I wanted to add, I'm also a caregiver.

I have three cats, 20, 16, and 14. The 20 year old is fading. She needs pills every morning and night, and her kidneys don't work so well, so we need to give her fluids (I learned a new skill).

I love her so much, she's been like a teddy bear, full of love for me. I will miss her dearly. They're all indoor cats, so they'll live longer than the four cats I grew up with. Even so, I will miss her.

I know crying is helpful, but I will miss her a lot. It's raining outside, so it's neat that both the immediate and local geography share similar patterns.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

Animals are so intuitive!

I'm a cat person, rather than a dog person, myself. One of the rehab facilities my husband was in a few months ago had "therapy dogs" visit every so often. It was amazing to see old people in wheelchairs, who just sat there and did nothing, suddenly come to life, smile and talk up a storm!

Love the depth of that rain image at the end, there. So poetic!

(I will try to address your comment below this one at another time. It hits real close to home and I need some time to think my words through and get the emotions out of my way.)

TwelveOhOne's picture

Crying again, thanks!!!

Right now I have this song stuck in my head, the chorus part near the end, don't know if you know Mumford and Sons and I don't know the name of the song, but it keeps repeating: "Keep your head up, love."

I try.

Thanks regarding the poetry. Like keeping my head up, I try, and sometimes succeed. :)

(As I was typing the smiley I saw lightning; as I'm typing this, thunder is playing -- so it has moved on.)

JSJ and EFT help with emotions (the latter more so, likely why I avoid it). See my commenting history, I mention it in other posts as well. ((((((((((((((((Nonna))))))))))))))))

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

TwelveOhOne's picture

Thank you ((((Nonna))))

I'm crying again. You remind me of Fishy. I miss her. I welcome you. Thanks.

Biggest issue is I forget stuff. Not so much short-term conversation, I can generally manage through one. And long-term I still remember things that happened long ago. It's just the medium-term, like what happened a half hour ago, that's not storing.

This makes living with me difficult, because I'll have a conversation with my (recently-married) wife, and then a half hour later I'll be planning to do something different than she said, which makes her frustrated. But I'm coming from nowhere (somewhat literally), and she's being angry at me, which makes me angry back at her and it spirals into inharmoniousness.

That's the worst part. The headaches are nasty but at least they're internal. And the vocabulary failures are sometimes difficult to deal with, and sometimes amusing to focus on the replacement word and hopefully learn something about my inner workings.

I know someone who has "the gift", they just don't have the instructions -- but his healing hands have resolved many headaches. I've reached out to him and he has agreed to "treat" me an hour a day for a couple weeks, to assist. (Energy can't harm, it can only heal, so even if he doesn't know what he's doing, he will benefit me.)

And, I'll help teach him how to direct the energy better. Hopefully this will be a win/win/win: I'll get better; he'll learn more about the innate skill he has; and perhaps he can build a business out of it. I'd love to see that, and would advertise for him because helping people is great fun.

(And of course "there's no true altruism" -- helping others helps increase the likelihood that I'll be helped, when I'm in need. And that's cool too!)

As to my mind appearing to function -- thank you (((Nonna))). Others tell me that as well. I was high-functioning before the accident, and to most I still appear that way. I've lost a certain percentage of my ability (1%, 5%, I'm not sure), and I know that it is gone so when people tell me "see, you made a funny joke, your brain is working" (or solved a complex puzzle, or got all the recall correct at the neuro-psychologist), it hurts a great deal; I know I'm not what I used to be. I tend to react saying that functionality is not binary -- it's not on or off, and I can feel that I'm not performing optimally.

Plus the headaches and forgetfulness.

Thank you for this thread, very much. I really feel for (((((deacon))))), sending love his way as well.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
http://fija.org - Fully Informed Jury Association
http://jsjinc.net - Jin Shin Jyutsu (energy healing)

fireant's picture

Takes a ton of patience to engage in those type dialogues

But they are useful, and keep the patient occupied.
What I found helpful when my father was in the mid stages of Alzheimer was jigsaw puzzles. I gradually reduced the age level so he wouldn't get frustrated, until finally, he could no longer do even the most basic child level puzzles. While he was capable though, it was great entertainment for him, and gave me a little time for myself.

Undo what Wilson did

It keeps the mind focused and, yes, it takes patience...

tons of patience! Ever realize just how long a full minute of silence is?

Thanks for the idea about jigsaw puzzles, (((((fireant)))))! I'm going to give it a try!

deacon's picture

ok,so i didn't want to comment

i didn't want to talk,think or deal with it
things i have on my mind,i have not told anyone since
i keep it all inside,and to myself,never figured anyone cared about it anyways
when i got hurt,i had a job at GM,we were on our way to get physicals
to get our foster care licenses,as we had a heart for kids
i was in the process of getting a license to preach
this was our life,and its all we wanted to do, i would have been retired at 55
but things changed,lives changed,and one life stopped,by this i mean
mine,i lost my job,we didn't get the foster care license,and i never became a pastor
what i was ended,and what i became i cannot stand,i am not me anymore
i used to easy going,with a crazy sense of humor,things didn't get me down,nor bother me much
now like a flip of a switch,i changed,i can no longer say i am easy going,i can no longer say i am happy and i don't smile often anymore
the only thing in my life is politics,and i can't politics,i don't want to understand it,nor do i think i have the time left to learn anything that i could forward,and be able to use
the smallest things upset me now
here are a few things that bother me,it is questions from others
how are you feeling?
do you need any help?
do you want a hand?
what are you thinking about?
are you sad?
do you want to talk about it?
now these questions seem simple,i can only speak for myself
but i can honestly say about these questions,if you have to ask,then you haven't been paying attention
you think i am lying,and do not believe i am hurt
if you ask to ask if i am sad,then you haven't been seeing the look in my eyes,and should already know why i would be sad
if you have to ask what i am thinking about,then you have not listened all the other times i told you WHAT I AM THINKING ABOUT
if you ask if i need help,in your eyes i am not worth just doing what you know i cannot do,and are asking,hoping i say NO
if you ask if i need a hand,then you feel i am not worthy of getting a hand
if one knows i cannot do something,and can't just go ahead and do it to help,this tells me,i am not just worth it to them
when the weather gets damp/wet, i cannot pick up a gallon of milk
as i hurt so bad,it actually feels like my arms are being ripped from the sockets,still feels that way when not wet outside,but my whole body feels on fire during
now when it is damp,it changes my thought patterns as well, i am always short,snippy,irritable,grumpy,and i do not want to talk i just want to be left alone.this is usually the time i get most of the questions from others
i have friends that are on speed dial,by this i am talking about,when they need me,i am there,for what ever their needs
this is not so when i really need a hand,( i am not one to ask things just to ask)
when i call for a hand,i get a call back days later
so please do not ask the simple questions,especially if you already know the answers
if i know you have blonde hair,i do have to go to your house,and say
oh i see you have blonde hair ( i should already know that answer,right?)
some of the simplest things go along way,and i truly mean simple
like putting some milk in a smaller container,the less weight,the easier life gets
opening a door,at times a door can be a real pain
moving things that are in the way,chairs,bags,shoes (things not seen that can cause stumbling
as simple glance,with a smile :)one can gt so far inside themselves,one needs hand at times getting out,and a smile lets one know a few things
monday june 3,we were rear ended while at a stop light,this aggravated my preconditions,and added some more,we walked away
our last vehicle might be totaled as it bent the frames
this deal here added more to my life that i really didn't need,as it added more stress,and more bad feelings,as i don't know to fix this,and i have no way of orking to get another vehicle to drive
these them feelings of nothingness and worthlessness again !!!
i have no family dr,got tired of him asking what i thought we should do next
anyways, i say these things in hopes of others getting a nugget out of it
guys when hurt,lose a lot of themselves,they are the bread winners,they are the ones to protect their families
they are the ones people go to,as they are supposed to be the strongest,now when this gets taken away,things go wrong for them
they no longer bring the bacon home,they are no longer the safe haven for their families
and all manner of ill feelings come into play
have a nice day

setting your expectations to high,can cause depression

Men typically show love by doing things for their loved ones,

so I understand how frustrating things are for you right now. You are a very caring guy. But, there are other ways to show love. Just ask a person what things make them feel loved. You may be surprised by the answers.

Shattered plans and dreams can be very devastating. Whenever my most wonderful plans are about to be achieved and then everything falls apart, I go through the grieving process (and it can take a while), before I remember about God being the Potter and me being the clay. I eventually resign myself to God's Will and not my own. It really is less stressful that way... just going with the flow.

Can't agree more about those dumb questions. Talk is cheap. I try to let questions like that slide but, sometimes I do lash out at a person who feigns too much concern and does nothing whatsoever to be of even the slightest help. My feeling is that if I have to shame a person or pressure a person (family member[s]) to do what he/she should have been doing all along, I don't even want that person around. What comes around goes around.... and believe me, it will be going around. I take absolutely no pleasure in that thought but, it does help me to not resent those people as much as I normally would.

And yes, those are the people who do not hesitate for a moment to contact us when they want something. The day is fast approaching when I will be the one to have every excuse in the book to say "No", and my excuses will be legitimate, at the very least.


This post breaks my heart, for those of you going through it. I took care of my 90+ year old grandmother in her last years of severe dementia. It crushed every part of me, she did not know who I was in the end. (and she didn't like me) It hurts! There is so much guilt, that I didn't do good enough. Today would have been her birthday. Wherever you are grandma, I love you!

Hugs to you all;)

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion.
-Thomas Paine

deacon's picture


what you and your grandma went through,i am truly sorry to read
i would venture to say that your grandma loved you very much
before she got sick,and that isn't going to change because of her illness (grandmas are just funny that way :)
you say she didn't like you,can i offer this,maybe she realized she was slipping away (it is gradual) and she might have been scared,and was angry at what she was feeling,loved ones are the hardest on each other
honestly i know she loved you unconditionally,and nothing you did or didn't do would ever change that fact (grandmas just have so much love to give) and they offer it freely,i know mine was like that, i miss her the most out of all the other deaths i have had to endure
they are special people

setting your expectations to high,can cause depression