7 votes

Pfizer Announces Drug Cure For Hypochondria

Hot off the heels of recent successful treatments for Pica and Boogie Woogie Fever, Pfizer, Inc. (NYSE: PFE) today announced a successful drug treatment for hypochondria.

Affecting millions of Americans, hypochondria presents with a litany of symptoms which can include slight fever, chills, dry mouth, wet mouth, dyspepsia, rash, and the heebie-jeebies. Unfortunately for most sufferers the symptoms may come and go intermittently, making diagnosis difficult.

With their new home-test and drug regimine, Pfizer can now provide effective treatment to hypochondria sufferers without the unpleasant inconvenience of seeing a licensed health professional just to be ignored by them. Placebicin will be available in pill, chewable gummy, or inhalable paste form pending FDA payoffs.

Side effects include presyncopy, somnambulance, cerebellar ataxia, and the yawns. The treatment requires ingestion of a series of colored pills taken throughout the day and will cost around $3000 per month - a small price to pay for those who wish to live.



Trending on the Web

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

caution: side affects may vary.

...

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

jrd3820's picture

Psstt... Christopher Goodbudski Cudnoski

To fix your hypochondria you might consider lexical experimentation.

Christopher Cudnoski would love to play this game with me,he just has to click this link, and then we can play word games together

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”
― Dr. Seuss

I'll sign up on a qwerty computer.

Looks as fun as the cryptoquote.

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

Okay, but what about my dropsy?

hmn???

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

Here's their first ad...


http://youtu.be/jQIfp1TAo2I
...

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

green and purple pills are ok...

but green and purple flowers are better.

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

Placebo addiction is no joke

Their side effects are monumental, though their therapeutic efficacy is beyond dispute. Placeboes cure more cancers than laetrile, cannabis oil, and prayers combined!

dynamite anthrax supreme court white house tea party jihad
======================================
West of 89
a novel of another america
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/161155#longdescr

I have actually heard that

I have actually heard that when a doctor tells you that you have cancer and 5 months to live, if you believe him your body will actually program itself to die around that time. Our minds are very powerful things and can heal or destroy us.

We all share this eternally evolving present moment- The past and future only exist as inconsequential mental fabrications.

Never let anyone take your hope

What you're talking about I learned via Dr. Bernie Siegel's Love, Medicine, and Miracles. It was one of many revelations from experience with his patients. Those who expected *not* to die or expected *not* to have common side effects of treatments... were less likely to. He was also one of the first to promote visualization of positive outcomes. Our bodies respond to what we imagine as if it were real. And as the title says, he stresses the *power of love*. It's a wonderful book. He was one of the forerunners in acknowledging connections between body, mind, and spirit - re cancer and illness, but with principles universally applicable. I've been recommending it for years and have given away at least half a dozen copies. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Self-Healing-Ex...

FYI, here's an interview with him on some program called, "Change Your Attitude, Change Your Life." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TwAHC4q2K4

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

In Financial news, Pfizer is

In Financial news, Pfizer is taking a bold step with their new drug to cure hypochondria, planning on making billions in the coming years before the patent expires. Market experts are warning that it is a risky move however and are theorizing that hypochondria itself could in fact be a driving force behind the pharmaceutical industry's profits. While Pfizer plans to corner the market by selling its new drug, many analysts are concerned that when a generic option is available it could cause a serious decline in the industry as a whole which has long-term investors seriously worried.

Coming up, a national outrage today as a black pitbull was bitten by a white cocker spaniel in a communal dog park this morning. President Obama is planning on speaking on the matter in a press conference this evening and its implications for race baiting in America.

We all share this eternally evolving present moment- The past and future only exist as inconsequential mental fabrications.

If I had a(nother) dog, sez prez...

..he'd probably look like Phaedo.

dynamite anthrax supreme court white house tea party jihad
======================================
West of 89
a novel of another america
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/161155#longdescr

If frogs had wings..

they wouldn't bump their butts hoppin'...

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

Thanks - that was golden.

As it happens, the National Hypochondria Association has released a statement:

Hypochondriacs Decry Cure

Speaking for the millions who suffer from hypochondria and its wide-ranging effects, Sniff N. Sneezer, president of the NHA has announced...

(to be continued after I find me some 'good medicine')

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.

Enforcement Professionals warn of black market.

The red and blue pills have common ingredients that are illegal to import. Officers Browbeat and Abrib are already consulting with city councils on the level of funding required for proper interdiction.

Officials at the Shawshank tells this reporter they have an opening, but would welcome contracting for any expansions.

City Officials brag about the jobs they can buy at low cost in the weak economy. "This will be good for everybody!", they cheer.

Free includes debt-free!

Please write for the onion.

Please write for the onion. Though, this topic was kind of a low hanging fruit they might have gotten round to it sooner or later.

Southern Agrarian

Since the Onion was founded in Wisconsin, as was I...

I was raised on their journalism and let me tell you - I'm not worthy. But thanks though... ;)

Defeat the panda-industrial complex

I am dusk icon. anagram me.