19 votes

Elaborate Hoax: Yes, I Work For The Onion but Believe Me, It's Just A Gig

It's about time I make a confession: I work for the satirical 'humor' newspaper, The Onion.

I wanted to make this confession for three reasons: first, I've been posting so many Onion News, 'America's Finest News Source' (and I use that term lightly) videos lately that it has become obvious. Second, some very vocal voices here on the 'P' are calling me out, and I can tell they're not about to quit. But most importantly is my contract. It's coming due - and I could use a better gig.

Don't get me wrong - it's a great company and all. The coffee is always warm and deadlines are negotiable. The ceiling is high and the secretaries' shelves are, well, stacked. The only thing I don't like is the humor.

When I first heard the words A tomahawk of truth through the skull of lies I thought 'this is the kind of news organization I can get behind, and who I want behind me.' Better news, better viewers sounded like my kind of people.

But the day I found out last week, after 6 years of labor and love, right before my bonus options came due thank God, that The Onion is NOT a reliable source of commentary on current events, but instead is a SATIRICAL HUMOR PUBLISHING conglomerate CIA shell company, I realized that I had been bamboozled. The butt of someone else's crude joke.

So, if you know an opening for a true non-critically thinking jounalist/imbedded cultural anthropologist, starting at $42-five plus wheels and the usual bonus plan, let me know. I check for private messages at least once a week, video replies are even better.

And a kind word of warning: don't read The Onion. It is funny business at its finest.



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Elaborate hoax

initiated.

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maybe the best joke besides my marrying into the zweibel family

Oh how we laughed and climbed!!!

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a shill for satire

I used to work for the Onion in Boulder in the propaganda department aka "Cultural Influence Metrics Group". We received input from all Fortune 500 companies and government agencies on how better to mold public perceptions. Every media company does this.

This person above didn't actually work for the Onion, he was a volunteer satirical awareness coach and failed horribly at that job.

The Onion is awesome.

Check out http://ronpaulforums.com for activism and news.

I will have failed miserably once I get the job.

Thank you for recognizing my potential future talents.

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im confused

you used the words "mold public perception to corporate and gov interests," and "awesome" in the same post.

if the onion does this, do you really consider them "awesome," or is it the worst type of evil in the world?

you seem to validate what the op was complaining about.

does nien compute.

satire and comprehension

If you read the OP, it's clear that he's joking. I think sometimes we are always looking for confirmations of our beliefs and we throw out critical thinking in a rush to validate them.

I believe this post was put on the front page and then removed. It's unfortunate that this was perceived to be real because it makes us look silly (or stupid). It should be a lesson to us.

Here's one definition of satire. We should apply this to ourselves and be skeptical of everything even our own assumptions and perceptions:

Satire is designed to illustrate the contradictions, foibles, or folly of a person, group, or policy. It attempts to expose faults or deficiencies, often in an irreverent or sarcastic manner.

Check out http://ronpaulforums.com for activism and news.

True. The whole thing is one big self-indulgent joke.

One thing about satire is that it has to leave clues. If it does not do this then it is either a lie or at best a tall-tale.

Yes it was front paged for a brief while but I don't think this means the mods took it seriously. I think they did so simply to indulge me with some recognition. I was happy to see it disappear.

As these things so often happen, this piece started out as an explanation of why I post so much Onion stuff, an apology of sorts. It mutated into a mock job application where I explain to the employer why I will eventually choose to leave the company. Somehow I feel that this is how an actual interview with the Onion would actually go... a successful one, that is.

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Should Govt Stop Dumping Money in a Giant Hole?

My favorite Onion video ever

Had to log in so I could vote this up!

Still laughing! :-)

Start a libertarian satirical news site

Anyone remember movementarian.com? It was a short-lived libertarian satirical site, similar to the Onion.

Seriously, do it. One of the most powerful weapons we have is to ridicule the State. Let's laugh at them and show everyone that the emperor has no clothes.

“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

Did something happen?

I have been an Onion reader and viewer almost from the first layer. A few months ago, maybe a year, I thought I noticed that the videos quite suddenly started to suck canal water. Did something happen? Some kind of shakeup? Or maybe my funny-bone sustained a hairline fracture.

Ĵīɣȩ Ɖåđşŏń

"Fully half the quotations found on the internet are either mis-attributed, or outright fabrications." - Abraham Lincoln

Well, I don't really work there, but I can tell you...

I've been reading the Onion since I was 16 - twenty years to the day - and they've had their ups and downs.

But with over 125 years of journalistic excellence behind them this is to be expected.

Maybe the actual people responsible can explain why...

http://youtu.be/aHTMfR5ffzo

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I think

you should start your own news organization. You could call it the Funyun and your motto could be "When all else fails, lower your standards". You could really take your time and uncover the real truth behind who the "Shamans" are(there's more to that story)and the dangers of getting "stoked". You are so much better than the Onion, I feel certain you would never let people believe giant crabs are harmless, seriously, the regular ones are so hard to get rid of, do they think we're stupid? You could also clear up the smoking in the McDonalds Playplace conundrum for us, that would really take a load off my mind. Personally, I found your exposé "How I Know My Mayor Never Built a Bomb" a real eye opener. You could also use your publication to promote Cudnoski's Law, you're really onto something there and if you play your cards right maybe you could parlay that into your very own page on Wikipedia. Unfortunately, I don't think you could actually earn a living doing this but it would give you chance to dust off your copy of "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook" and put the skills you've learned to the test.
;-P

Cool Chris. I would like to work there for a couple of months!

Just to see what it's like. Sorry I can't think of any job openings for you at the moment.

There are lots of DPers here who we would really be surprised who they really are, or what interesting or infamous backgrounds they have...self included.

Sorry, I lied.

None of this is true. This is actually a job application.

I figured the way to apply for a job at the Onion is to offer your resignation terms immediately, so we know what we're working with.

Glad you liked it though.

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lying is bad

mmmmmmmmkay?

“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

There is no lying in satire

There is no lying in satire or sarcasm.

Check out http://ronpaulforums.com for activism and news.

I knew it.

I knew you were an Onion Troll, Chris. You kept pushing all your Onion propaganda at us.

Cyril's picture

LOL :D

LOL :D

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.

http://Laissez-Faire.Me/Liberty

"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

It'll be the Onion's

It'll be the Onion's loss.

Why not work out a concept for the show you'd like the Onion to be and pitch it to the new Ron Paul channel?

I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be. Albert Einstein

^ this. It would be cool to

^ this. It would be cool to have a libertarian version of the daily show or the Colbert report.

It's too easy. The dazzling sweet-smelling flowers of satire...

grow from the leavings of our donkey and elephant friends.

Without the politicians there would be no humor in the world. And that would be... sad.

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Ha!

That's the first good argument in favor of government that I ever heard.

“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

Cool you work with Dan Halen's voice . I'm a big fan!

Big fan

Aaron Russo, Nikola Tesla, Ron Paul, I'm jus' sayin'

It took 6 years to figure that out?

Hmmm... It sounds like your ideal job would be writing for The Daily Show. What about Mad Magazine? Or maybe writing plot lines for professional wrestling? Jay Carney could use some help and he's very well paid. :)

This started out as an apology for posting so many Onion videos.

But now it is an apology for caring whether or not you care about me posting so many Onion videos.

Funny how things turn out...

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Nice try bro, but

your general trolling is as far from believable as it gets

Phxarcher87's picture

McDonalds

is hiring in NY if you have a bachelors...

THE CLASS OF CITIZENS WHO PROVIDE AT ONCE THEIR OWN FOOD AND THEIR OWN RAIMENT, MAY BE VIEWED AS THE MOST TRULY INDEPENDENT AND HAPPY.
James Madison

Will a photocopy of my degree work?

I can fax it.

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