Gov Christie Press Release on NYC's Ban On Big GulpsSubmitted by Molusk on Tue, 07/30/2013 - 19:00
NEW YORK (Reuters)
By Robert Ax
"Today was a victory for the state of New York, a victory for Liberty, and a victory for Chris Christie.
Michael Bloomberg's vicious attempt to keep large sugary drinks away from us was rejected by a state appeals court today.
The law violated the basic human right to decide how large a sugary drink container we can purchase on the free market.
Justice Dianne Renwick is a hero who should be honored alongside George Washington and Martin Luther King Jr.
We will continue to fight usurpers and tyranny, and honor the image of the statue that shines as a beacon to all people who come to these United States in the hope of one day becoming a fat slob.
With this ruling behind us, we look forward to continuing to consume outrageously unhealthy beverages, larger than a normal sized man can carry with one hand.
The next step is to take the fight to the courts. Motorized cart manufacturers have practiced their subtle discrimination long enough. It is imperative that large circumference cup holders be mandatory on all carts sold in New Jersey."
This announcement follows on the heals of Christie's previous suit to require large backed, double wide seats with hefty cupholders in all movie theaters.
Earlier this year, Christie secured a legal ruling that the Statue of Liberty is in fact in New Jersey, not New York, and the "torch" is in fact a milk shake with billowing, flowing whip cream. This fresh win should propel Christie forward in his 2016 presidential ambitions.
Toward the end of his remarks, he threatened freshman Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky to turn over any bacon or pork he has recieved for his state since 2010, to the Governor's mansion forthwith for inspection. His mic cut out briefly as some combination of sweat and barbeque sauce dripped on it, and the only sounds audible were nom, nom, bacon, nom.
Candidate Anthony Wiener chimed in with praise of the ruling, and joined in calls to require NY movie theaters to provide optional popcorn containers with a hole in the bottom for convenience.
"Fat bastards and perverts alike have rights when enjoying a moving picture, and by God we will fight for them."
This is shaping up to be one hell of a pre-primary election season.