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(flashback) CIA Unveils New Ghetto Drugs For '98

http://www.theonion.com/articles/cia-unveils-new-ghetto-drug...

LANGLEY, VA—After months of eager anticipation within the nation's ghetto communities, the Central Intelligence Agency unveiled its 1998 line of addictive drugs Monday.

"Everybody loves me because I am so beautiful. Anything is possible. I am going to live a very long and happy life," said Oakland, CA, native Charles Simmons, who spent 10 weeks testing Blue Glass, the CIA's new smokable euphoric drug. Simmons then leapt out a window to his death.

CIA officials said that testing is necessary in order to avoid releasing potentially dangerous substances into the ghettos. "One initially promising drug was later discontinued due to undesirable side effects, such as increased intelligence and feelings of love for others," said Dr. Harold Vandermeer, head of the CIA's narcotics development team.

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/cia-unveils-new-ghetto-drug...

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I'm holding out...

for something called 'brain sliver'.

It was probably the pandas.