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Wow. This is pretty fcuked

Wow. This is pretty fcuked up.

>> I did this right before I met my Fiancee so no cheating was involved.
Well in conservative cultures that is not true. But we are not gonna discuss American pre-marital behavior here.

(1) Have you done a simple blood-group and rhesus-type check? That is an quick way to eliminate mis-matches.
(2) Is there no lab that is ready and can do the DNA test in a day or two? Will the lady and her child agree to on short-notice? Do you need court's permission to do the test? Is there a way to sneak in and borrow hair/saliva samples of the child ;)
(3) Can't your lawyer or the judge understand the special circumstances and order the DNA test soon?

Disclosing such an issue after the marriage could be disastrous to you. My advice would be to disclose it before the marriage and deal with the consequences later.

Rhetorical question - Abortion (probably without the man's consent or knowledge) seems to be fine with this society but why does ruining a man's life after not being in contact for 3 years since conception seem fine?

The birth certificate should list the blood type.

-

Free includes debt-free!

Condom

On the lighter side, if things go downhill atleast sue the condom company and use it for the child-support.

I am not on the certificate

I was not contacted until now.The drunk woman saw me walking on Monday and told me. I had family court papers mailed to my moms house on Tuesday. I have to answer them. My lawyer is on it. He even had a PI nose around . The woman is unemployed and there are at least 2 other guys or 3 or 4. No one knows.she was at the bar last sunday and they wouldn't let her drive home she was so drunk. The fact that I have to go to court means I have to go to court and deny paternity. The court will then make me take the DNA test. my dilemma was I am getting married in 2 weeks, before the court date and test, should I tell my fiancee right before the wedding? I decided I will mention it to her ,but downplay it and assume its false. the whole thing sucks but I should tell her about the possibility. I am sure our relationship is strong enough to handle it. Pray for that kid either way

LittleWing's picture

Sorry about your dilemma

I think you have gotten plenty of advice here! Would you consider moving this discussion to 'off topic' so it doesn't keep sliding the active topics? Good luck and Thanks.

If Wars Can Be Started by Lies, They Can Be Stopped By Truth.

I put it under religion

Give me a minute. I'm going to delete it in a bit. Thanks for all the advice. It was great to talk about it on here. It might be a scam it might not be. I have done no tests and the court date is next month ,after the wedding. the lawyer doesnt trust this person or wants me to contact her at this point.this woman has some nerve trying to pin this on me 3 years later after 2 other guys didn't match up. i will tell my fiancee the situation and go from there. Thanks everyone

The part about the priest telling you to keep it secret

is a rich little twist if there ever was one.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

He said you dont know

so until you know don't ruin the wedding. I am sure if I knew before the wedding he would advice me to share it. He thinks it is a scam. I already decided I will mention it and not look worried and play it off. it will all work out.

Just buy a shovel and start digging now.

If you ask me, all those who tell you to keep this a secret are foolish and short sighted. I think they are giving you the worst advice in the world.

Let me just ask you if the tables were turned, how would you feel about her if you found out after the wedding. There was some chance she had an illegitimate child before she married you and SHE KNEW THIS and yet let you go along with this happy little illusion of marriage.

HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

I know how I'd feel. Suckered. Trapped. Betrayed. And by the way the vows you just made to me? Are NULL AND VOID. At the moment you gave me your most solemn vow you were holding something back. Something more than like an unpaid electric bill. We're talking about a KID for chrissakes and child support payments and a whole new member of the family!

Don't blow this one. There's only one right answer. Man up.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

I'm not keeping it a secret

I'm telling her before the wedding about it. It is unknown if I am the dad. its not like it was an ex. It was a woman at the bar that goes home with a lot of men. I did not know how lose she really was. Its my fault. i will mention it and say I have to go to court and the lawyers are working on it. until the test comes back no one knows.

Good then.

Given this I don't see where fault comes in.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

the dilemma was do I tell her right before the wedding

even though I am unsure of the paternity or do I wait until the test comes back then go from there. i already decided to tell her, there is a possibility about it so I wont be holding anything back

I disagree...

I totally see where you're coming from, but there is no kid, and even if there was it does NOT violate any kind of "oath" he may or may not take. Sickness & health? 'Til death do us part? Where does it say "And if that test come back showing you are a father of a child that you didn't know exist then this breaks all agreements null and void"?
It doesn't.

As it is the accuser waylaid him on the street even though she knew where he works, his usual route, and other personal information (probably knows where he lives and all about the engagement/future wedding) - She could have just called him and arranged a polite meeting to let him know of the situation. BUT NO!
Why?
Because there's NO RECORD of meeting with her this way, SUSPICIOUS!

Sure, it would be a blow to the wife to have to tell her he JUST found out he has a kid he didn't know about - the date of the test would prove he didn't know until just recently. Sure, she'll ask why he didn't tell her sooner, but he's got the TRUTH on his side - totally looked like some kind of crazy person conning him and it wasn't worth upsetting her over until it was proven.
If she loves him enough to spend the rest of her life with him in holy matrimony then what transpired + child support is NOT going to amount to a hill of beans!

If that is some kind of breaking point for a life-long relationship then better to kick her to the curb sooner than later and find a real woman who loves you 'til death do us part.

ok, you have a point. if he

ok, you have a point. if he feels honesty is the best policy, he can tell his future wife, but, the point is, at the current moment he has no financial or emotional attachment to the child.

and it's his decision whether or not to keep it that way.

get the test, comes out positive, and he's jsut ruined his fiance's life all because he wanted to feel less guilty himself.

it's the classic transfer of guilt. you make yourself feel better by hurting the one you love.

Transfer of guilt?

Where's the guilt? There's no crime SO FAR. Seems you bring the guilt to this table.

Or is there some presumption on the part of his fiance that he's a virgin?

Sheesh. The matter is simple contract law en reducto. Situation ethics has you grasping at straws.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Transfer of Guilt

The guy had a fling with a con artist years before meeting the woman he's with now.
If he feels guilty about that, it's beyond the scope of advice about being stalked by a nutcase con artist and EXACTLY the emotion the con artist is playing off.

Other Angle of Advice

I had a nice and reasonable post of advice to give you about this, but it looks like there are plenty of people who have already done this. So I am going to give you some from the angle that should not be ignored:

She's a nutcase.
Look, you were waylaid by someone with the accusation of being a father of a child that may not even exist and without any evidence - this just smacks completely of suspicion and BS.

There probably isn't a kid, and if there is it's not yours.

This woman is trying to get something from you, most likely money.

You don't know anything about her, get a background check on her she'll probably have all kinds of arrests and restraining orders. You're not the first guy she's pulling this on.

Don't bother telling your future wife anything at this point, doing so will just cause stress before an important point in your relationship - By this time you two should already know your past relationships enough that this isn't even an issue.

Whatever the case turns out to be, it'll be your choice from there (so don't sweat it) - either man up and paying child support or enjoying a life in Korea, but I'm going to wager this is a complete and utter con job in the work. Don't sweat it!!!

Good point. If it's a scammer looking for a payoff, be wary.

Investigation may provide answers.

Free includes debt-free!

I fully agree. If it were me

I fully agree. If it were me I would have completely shrugged it off. There's no way I would take the test. In the event that he is the father, he just screwed himself over. clearly you have a terrible lawyer if he even suggested that you take a paternity test.

there is a kid, i saw a pic and it looks nothing like me.

the family court sent me papers on Tuesday so i have to go to court and demand a test. its supposed 2 other guys took the test before me. hope its # 4's

There is a kid? Or there is a picture of a kid?

Don't kid me (get the pun?), there's a difference between an actual child and a picture of some child.
Looking more and more like a con, of course the con artist is going to have a picture of a kid. Why didn't she call you and arrange to meet her so she could tell you that MAYBE you had a kid and if you'd like to do a DNA test?
What did she do? Stalk you, find your usual route, and show you some picture of a kid she just knows is yours somehow.

Heck, at this point even if she had some kid with her there I'd still be rather skeptical.

The only thought you should be giving this right now is about a restraining order.

Plain and simple: you are not

Plain and simple:

you are not on the birth certificate. therefor you have no legal responsibility to this child.

You were not there for the first 2.5 years, so you have no emotional responsibility to this child.

You have more of a responsibility to your fiance. Do not mention this to her, and warn the said woman if she continues to contact you that you will be filing harassment charges against her.

If it is in fact your child, then it was her responsibility to contact you before she ever gave birth.

Again, do not take a paternity test unless you plan on throwing away your life with your fiance, and you want to end up giving half you salary away.

Is this for real?

Wow that's quite a conundrum if it is.

You should be honest with your fiance regardless of the outcome. She deserves to know. I hope that you will be and that she accepts you still.

"Once you become knowledgeable, you have an obligation to do something about it."- Ron Paul

Yeah is this for real there's even a question?

Exactly how many of us below have flipped into situational ethics?

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

I Think that

California allows abortion until they are old enough to go to school. Seriously though, you make it sound like a negative. I don't see it that way.

I guess I'm not alone

tell her!

shit happens!

Your options: -You can tell

Your options:

-You can tell her

-The other mom tells her at her own convenience

Take your pick

Southern Agrarian

its not so easy

have you been in my shoes? getting hit with a paternity suit two weeks before the wedding because of a 1 night stand 3 years ago is not easy. its the fiancee's feelings that are important. i can deal with any outcome but she only gets one marriage of a lifetime.

mistake?

You acknowledged one mistake 3 years ago, but the problem here isn't one mistake, it's your inability to make a stupid-easy decision without asking a thousand people for advice first. This is the type of thing that insecure teenage girls do.

Is there anything wrong with asking advice?

Some of the smartest people I know are DP readers. Besides, he's totally anonymous.