White House Announces Limited Support For Gunmen Holed Up in Kenya MallSubmitted by Molusk on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 20:57
9.22.13 - Nairobi, Kenya
by John Ax (DPI)
Earlier this evening, Secretary of State John Kerry announced the Obama Administration's plan to airlift immediate, limited strategic aid to the embattled Islamic gunmen holed up in Westgate Mall, on the outskirts of Nairobi, Kenya.
He read from a prepared statement from the President: "After much soul searching, I have decided to assist the rebels. America's credibility is on the line any time a smaller group of armed thugs is potentially routed by a larger one, for any reason."
"Especially if the weaker party is Islamic, and facing an established government," added Jay Carney who emerged disheveled in a funny clown suit.
When pressed on the relevance of this small firefight in a remote part of Kenya to America's national interests, Sec. Kerry replied "We may not know much about either side, or even what's going on, but we do know this.
The gunmen are are holed up in a mall facing superior forces. They are outnumbered, their hopes and aspirations threatened to be trampled underfoot by the force of a possibly tyrannical government. Their plight is picturesque and romantical.
They're facing tough odds against a stronger foe. As Americans, we can't stand by while one side loses in a conflict with another side in a country near Africa or the Middle East; this much is certain.
We must not allow any government to establish lasting peace and order in any situation that involves American interests. And no conflict is too small to directly involve America's national interests."
White House Press correspondent Jake "the snake" Tappdancer rejoined:
"But Sir, that makes no sense. These gunmen are just armed criminals terrorizing innocent people at a shopping mall. Surely we..." when Kerry interrupted, attempted to furrow his brow and thundered "Let the record show I am showing the emotion of outrage in a serious tone," and pointed his finger seriously, before stumbling over the podium wire.
Russian billionaire playboy, tennis star and president for life Vladmir Putin weighed in, "This is a clear cut case of a government carrying out a routine, legitimate use of its powers for the maintenance of law and order against criminals and political terrorists. The American government is clearly insane. They make me look so reasonable and sexy."
A spokesmen for the Islamic gunmen said "This is a surprise and welcome news. We do not know why the American government is doing this, but we will take it. YOLO"