Rand vs. Cruz: Who Will Hold Their Pee Longest?Submitted by Menschken on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 01:25
So much hangs in the balance with Ted Cruz' filibuster.
After Rand threw down the gauntlet last July or January or whenever, it was only a matter of time before other 2016 presidential hopefuls would stake their claim in the great hold your pee the longest straw poll.
Rand, being a Doctor, had the clear advantage. He could have used an unknown variety of prescription drugs to form a potent cocktail of anti diuretic and sleep suppressing substances.
Ted Cruz on the other hand is known to have a bladder made of pure iron and a pincer like urethra that could strangle bacteria.
The race is on, and this will be a big factor in deciding which of the two will emerge the clear front runner going into primary season.
It's an old fashioned pissing contest, inverted.
Of course, all stand in the shadow of the great Strom Thurmond.
He once filibustered for 24 hours while regularly taking down highballs made with Jim Beam from the old Graham distillery.
Some have speculated that his pecker was so long that congressional pages simply ran it into an open drainage system in the capitol building.
Others that he was a wraithlike being who had sold his soul to Henry Kissinger, and traded his material existence for artificial longevity.
Some claim he cheated, and a corpse was wheeled out surreptitiously while he ducked out to bleed the old lizard.
Whoever wins, this will surely set a precedent for all future Republican primary races.
As they will never win another national race again, all the fanfare, media attention, and campaign time and resources will be invested in the primary race and the run up to it.
Filibustering pointlessly against inevitable Democratic victories will become a new rite of passage for all Republican up and comers, and cement their party credentials.
One day, if we're lucky, we will see a Republican contender pee himself on the Senate floor on youtube. This will make America's decline and fall almost worth it.