19 votes

Homeless shelters prepare for worst in nation's capital.

Homeless shelters across Washington DC today appealed for donations as they prepare for an influx of homeless and disoriented legislators who are on schedule to shut themselves down tonight.

"These people have no idea how to deal with real life" said Benny Manos of the DC Area Homlesss Coalition. "They need help getting dressed in the morning, they can't drive or understand mass transit, you are talking about people who are literally incapable of doing anything for themselves" explained Manos.

Area employers agree. Executive staff agencies complain that former legislators have trouble doing anything more than holding meetings. An executive at lobbyist Burstin Themarsfeller explains that "you can give these guys a shovel and tell them to dig a hole and they will tell you they will put together a blue ribbon fact finding committee to explore the matter. All I want is a hole. Just dig a freaking hole now".

Betty Coinsworth, an executive with LaborSet, a temporary labor worker's pool said "I can't use these people, I couldn't use 'em when they were in office and I can't use 'em now". She also explained that "you can give these people a shovel and tell them to dig a hole but they'll never get it done. They are useless".

The issue also concerns DC Metro Police who bear the ultimate brunt of hundreds of newly homeless and unemployed legislators wandering the disctict. "We call it DLS, Dislocated Legistlator Syndrome" said Lt. Doyle McHoolighan of DC MPD. "The first thing they wanna do is go to the upscale bars and get soaked" he said, "which works until everybody finds out they have no money or power and they get thrown out into the gutter" continues McHoolighan. "Eventually they turn to prostitution and drugs" he concluded.

Volunteers are urgently sought as local homeless shelters begin their initial care of the legislators. "We need people with pads and pens so sit with them, listen intently to them while scribbling on the paper and repeating the words 'yes sir, we'll get right on that sir'". Benny Manos explained that "it helps them with the transition and makes them feel more secure in their new environment".

Still even with the best treatment, Manos predicted that most of these legislators face a grim potential future. "Unless we fund government and get these people back to the one thing they are good at doing, which is being a pain in the butt at taxpayer expense, inside of a year most of these people will have turned to prostitution and drugs" said Manos.

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If you see a legistlator wandering around try and get a halter

on them or call animal control.

South is the new way up! Major trend for 2014: Latin America. Start checking out South American investment, it's part of our future now.

Very funny!

One of the few laughs I've had over this whole debacle.

Loved it!

Thanks Smudge!

"What light is to the eyes - what air is to the lungs - what love is to the heart, liberty is to the soul of man."
-Robert Green Ingersoll

Ship 'em all to Detroit...

They can repopulate the blighted areas.

Potential Annualized National Debt Allowance - a look at 40 years of PANDA diplomacy next Pandaline

We should start a relief

We should start a relief effort to save these poor souls...

Southern Agrarian

I fell out of my chair

I fell out of my chair laughing when I got to "Lt. Doyle McHoolighan".

That needs to be the catch phrase / hash-tag for all these idot cops circulating youtube. #LTMcHoolighanstrikesagain

If ignorance is bliss, Washington DC must be heaven.

the guy is everywhere

these days.

South is the new way up! Major trend for 2014: Latin America. Start checking out South American investment, it's part of our future now.