Stocks Soar After Government Cuts Government From Federal BudgetSubmitted by Anti-Panda Prop... on Wed, 10/02/2013 - 22:58
Cited as the single greatest source of wasted federal funds, the federal government ceased all funding for the federal government branch of the federal government, sending consumer confidence and stocks to record highs
The federal cost cutting measure, which will save the nation over $3.5 trillion in just the first year, caused stocks to rise over 115%, with the Dow posting a one-day record gain of nearly 17,000 points. Cattle bids were up along with shares of Millercoors and Party Perfect which soared at the closing bell on late news of record beer, steak, and party hat sales.
Not all sectors shared in the gains caused by the national windfall. Among the losers were Texas Instruments, General Dynamics, and General Electric, which rely almost exclusively on government contracts for weapons systems, each losing around 96%. Also, AT&T and Verizon fell to 8 cents and 2 cents respectively, as their revenue is derived mainly from selling sensitive customer data to the now-defunded NSA. Maglite Flashlight Inc and Grainger Rubber Glove Corp also suffered heavy losses as thousands of furloughed TSA workers cease rectal exams of American travelers, perhaps indefinitely.
The trade balance was also estimated to have grown modestly, as Ferrari, Lambourghini, and French hot-air balloon mfr Montgolfières saw record one-day orders pile in from the newly enriched and emancipated U.S. consumer marketplace.
Consumer confidence increased 279.95% on news of the nearly $300 billion per month of reclaimed money that will now be available for use by the American public, as wasteful agencies like the Navy, Marines, Air Force, and the Department of Redundancy Department are shuttered for at least the next 364 days.
Official unemployment numbers remained unchanged despite the one-day addition of 800,000 former federal workers, as the Bureau of Labor and Statistics was unavailable for comment, due to the defunding of the government agency by the federal government.