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Stocks Soar After Government Cuts Government From Federal Budget

Cited as the single greatest source of wasted federal funds, the federal government ceased all funding for the federal government branch of the federal government, sending consumer confidence and stocks to record highs

The federal cost cutting measure, which will save the nation over $3.5 trillion in just the first year, caused stocks to rise over 115%, with the Dow posting a one-day record gain of nearly 17,000 points. Cattle bids were up along with shares of Millercoors and Party Perfect which soared at the closing bell on late news of record beer, steak, and party hat sales.

Not all sectors shared in the gains caused by the national windfall. Among the losers were Texas Instruments, General Dynamics, and General Electric, which rely almost exclusively on government contracts for weapons systems, each losing around 96%. Also, AT&T and Verizon fell to 8 cents and 2 cents respectively, as their revenue is derived mainly from selling sensitive customer data to the now-defunded NSA. Maglite Flashlight Inc and Grainger Rubber Glove Corp also suffered heavy losses as thousands of furloughed TSA workers cease rectal exams of American travelers, perhaps indefinitely.

The trade balance was also estimated to have grown modestly, as Ferrari, Lambourghini, and French hot-air balloon mfr Montgolfières saw record one-day orders pile in from the newly enriched and emancipated U.S. consumer marketplace.

Consumer confidence increased 279.95% on news of the nearly $300 billion per month of reclaimed money that will now be available for use by the American public, as wasteful agencies like the Navy, Marines, Air Force, and the Department of Redundancy Department are shuttered for at least the next 364 days.

Official unemployment numbers remained unchanged despite the one-day addition of 800,000 former federal workers, as the Bureau of Labor and Statistics was unavailable for comment, due to the defunding of the government agency by the federal government.

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Nothing short of awesome...

I needed a good laugh today. It's been a rough one!

beephree

Thanks. How about this: 'America Begrudgingly Admits it May Only

Be #2.'

?

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

US triple A rating restored.

US triple A rating restored. Bonds able to stand on their own without further Fed intervention.

That's a friggin' joke...

"If you believe that, I've got a government bond to sell you..."

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

Ha!

Good one, Chris.

The Diamond Dog is a real cool cat. | Reporting on the world from an altitude of 420.

LOL

Nice one :)

Cyril's picture

LMAO !!!

LMAO !!!

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.

http://Laissez-Faire.Me/Liberty

"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

And here I thought the French only liked fart jokes.

Or is that the Germans...

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

Cyril's picture

Nah, the german jokes are only about sausages.

Nah, the german jokes are only about sausages.

;P

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.

http://Laissez-Faire.Me/Liberty

"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius

Mozart must have had sausages on this day...


http://youtu.be/Yi6hSJ0ZvgA ...

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

Nicely done

.

"Alas! I believe in the virtue of birds. And it only takes a feather for me to die laughing."

I report. You decide.

:)

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

Maglite and Grainger...

Best laugh of the night... good stuff!

Thanks - it's good to be noticed?

:)

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.

WW3 was supposed to be the

WW3 was supposed to be the excuse for the complete and total economic collapse of the USA. Now that that's off the table, they're going to use the government shutdown and debt ceiling debate as the excuse to blame for the economic collapse.

When we default on the debt, other countries won't trade with the USA anymore and we'll have to make toys in our own country if we want them.

As a machinist who will be in demand due to scarcity, I should be able to make a decent salary again like in the 70's before NAFTA.

800,000 added to the unemployment numbers in one day...

Yeah - there'll be an impact...

Don't feed the pandas. Ever.