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Government Shutdown Causing Mass Violence

As the federal government shutdown stretches to the end of the second week, reports of mass violence pour in from all over the country.

"I've never seen a shot like that in my life," reported Roufus Dinget, a federal employee who's been out of work for over a week. "There was a loud crack as the mass of the cueball violently slammed into the mass of the 8-ball, and the whole bar went still for a second. I killed it for over two hours. I never would have been able to become such a pool shark if it weren't for the government shutdown."

Sounds not unlike gunfire rang out at the bowling range as Fred Silliski, a government contractor forced to stay home, perfected his strike. The massive bowling ball violently tore into the pins, spreading the mass of the pins in all directions. "I've been playing almost every day. Since I will get paid once this is over, I don't mind putting down the moolah for game after game. This is great."

But some feel hope in the dire situation. Sandra Casandra, whose husband is a retired government worker, took the day to contemplate the situation. "I heard the Great Falls National Park is closed. I used to sit there and watch the mass of water violently tumble down and I couldn't help but think of how the water represented the decline of our country. But now that the falls have been shut off, I feel hope. I feel like the country can start to rise again, like water flowing uphill. All it takes is a positive attitude."

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Southern Agrarian

With time on their hands, some are also shooting

themselves full of wine!


When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir