White House Offers Reward for Solving Vexing "Third Amendment Problem"Submitted by Ed Ucation on Thu, 10/17/2013 - 13:43
In a press conference earlier today, Jack Carney, the White House spokesman, issued a release offering a substantial reward for the most creative solution to what the President calls the insidious "Third Amendment Problem."
"The Third Amendment has long eluded us. I mean, how do you convince people that it's in their interest to house soldiers in their home? Clearly, in the past it was easy, when the British were invading us. But most countries are too pussy these days to send any troops over to our land. I mean, I can't blame them. Our military is just too awesome. I just know the key to this is terrorism. Or the drug war. The solution is out there," explained Carney.
Carney explained that the President has successfully tackled all the other pieces of the Bill of Rights.
"National Security has been a very good tool for us. We were able to knock out the 1st, 4th, and 5th Amendments with that terrorist puppet that GW left in the Oval Office. Every time someone objects, I just pull it out and go "BOOOOO!" The 6th and 7th were taken care of by GW with Guantanamo, but the President feels he can take credit for that one as well by breaking his campaign promise to close Guantanamo. So we are good there as well."
"The 9th and 10th Amendments are gimmies. They don't even count, really. Now, as to the 8th. We got started with that one with the Manning case. It's a bit of a gray area, because some people weren't convinced that keeping someone in a windowless room and waking them up every 60 minutes counts as torture. I challenge them to dabble in some whistleblowing. They'll change their tune. As for excessive bail, are you familiar with the Kokesh case? Boom, 9 down, 1 to go."
A reporter interrupted Carney to point out that he skipped over the 2nd Amendment.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Who brought this guy in here? For all practical purposes, we consider that one the easiest to hoodwink the voters to abandon. I am not gonna waste my time with that."
Carney then reiterated how important it is to the President to solve the 3rd Amendment Problem.
"The President is very proud of his accomplishments with respect to the Bill of Rights. But he would very much like to get a complete set before he leaves office. That's why we ask all patriotic citizens to offer their ideas and submit them to the White House office. No need to provide a return envelope or any contact information. We know who you are."