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Bernanke: "We Are Going to 3D Print the S* Out Of Everything"

The Federal Reserve has announced that the newest round of stimulus will make full use of new 3D printing technology.

While testifying in front of Congress, chairman Bernanke explained the exciting new program. "Have you guys seen these 3D printers? These things are amazing! Why are we wasting our time printing dollars? Look at this wrench I printed today. Look, it has moving parts! I printed ten of these fuckers today just for the hell of it. Congressman, would you like a wrench? Who wants a wrench?"

Members of the Financial Oversight Committee questioned the chairman about the impact of 3D printing on the purchasing power of the currency.
"That's the beautiful part, gentlemen," explained Bernanke. "Critics complain that we are diluting the purchasing power when we stimulate the economy by increasing the money supply. Well, now we can balance it out! Is the price of cars going up? We'll just print more cars!"

The Financial Oversight Committee concluded that some products were too important to leave to the volatility of the market. One member asked: "I tried to buy a new Cadillac the other day, and they were all out of blue Cadillacs. There was a run on blue Cadillacs, wouldn't you know it. If we put the Federal Reserve in charge of 3D printing cars, can you assure us this will not happen again?"

Bernanke replied that "One of our tasks has been to expand or contract the money supply as the economy demands. Well, what makes money so special? We can do the same for other economic goods. 3D printing will allow us to take over the whole economy and stabilize supply and prices."

"Will the Fed 3D print gold bullion bars to replace the ones that are supposed be at Fort Knox?," asked someone on the committee.

In response, Bernanke turned to the 3D printer he brought for a demonstration, silently printed out a model hand with a raised middle finger, put it on the desk, and left the room.

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how'd I miss this?

Very good

I saw the best minds of my generation, destroyed by pandas starving hysterical naked

-Allen Ginsberg

Gilligan's picture

Ben sure likes to print!


I'd rather be a hungry patriot than a satisfied slave.

he wanted to be a graphic artist

but went into economics instead

“With laws shall our land be built up, but with lawlessness laid waste.”
-Njal Thorgeirsson

Cyril's picture

Yup & this artist's main addiction, unfortunately, isn't alcohol

Yup, & this (con-) artist's main addiction, unfortunately (for us) isn't alcohol.

It's ink.

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.


"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius


I was certain this was going to be a Cudnoski post.