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Amazing Cop Develops Secret Communication Powers!

Amazing Cop Develops Secret Communication Powers!
Smudge Pot News
Salt Lake City, Utah

Police Chief Chris Burbank, 46, is renown among his peers for his ability to handle Occupy Wall Street protesters and other political malcontents.

“It's like he's magic or something” said Lt. McRoughsky of Salk Lake PD. “It's like he can just talk to them, it's uncanny” he added.

Rather than using standard police methods of community interaction which use “pain compliance”, “full-spectrum domination” and “force continuum” as first, middle and last practice, Burbank has a radically new set of tools to get people to do what he wants.

Behavioral therapists believe they may have found an explanation. Havar D. Lapiz at the University of Utah's Human Sciences division explains that “it is a complex use of bodily and auditory communications that combine to form a non-hostile response in humans in the group or individual dynamic”. The challenge, however, is to put this in layman's terms for the officer on the beat. “It's way too soon to integrate this into training” said Lapiz. “This has to be carefully studied and we've already applied for 20 years of government funded study to look into this phenomena which, by the way, we cannot conclusively say even exists at this point” he concluded.

Still for officers on the street, Burbank's methods remain a much talked about mystery. “He just walks up and talks to them using plain English” said one officer as he sat with colleagues at a local donut shop. “He doesn't even use a bullhorn. I always use a bullhorn, especially at home” said the first officer. A second offered that “it's definitely gone better at home since I tried talking to the kids instead of beating them about the face and neck with my baton”. A third said “it's almost like how it was before I was a cop and I used to just talk to people before I handcuffed and abused them.”

Whatever the reasons or underlying science, Burbank continues his new methods one citizen at a time whether they are protesting or not. Is there a hidden message here for other law enforcement professionals or is this merely a fluke or non-reproducible foible of Burbank's character? Perhaps time will tell.

Related story: http://libertycrier.com/best-police-chief-america

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Remember the phrase

A double-minded is unstable in all his ways.


Whahaha, this article is

Whahaha, this article is great!

The most funny thing is, I first thought it was a serious news item, before I realized it is an Onion like piece. I find it really clever, because in a way, it is very true. For so many authority figures it ain't common sense to behave like a human, instead many behave like an enforcer robot. And people resist that. Secondly it is true, because it fits so well to the link of the Liberty Crier article.

Nice work Smudge

Lt. McRoughsky?? Is this a slander on Irish cops? Lol

Oh great. I'm not gonna wiggle out of this one.

I mean your name is Shamus. I guess I know why you've come lol.

Officer McSomebody shows up in many of my stories, yes it is true. However as a counterbalance there's officer McFriendly. Seldom seen but he makes appearences.

You'll find other slander in the names. Harvar D. Lapiz is intended as a play on Harvard intellectuals (Havar D) and Lapiz, pencil in Spanish might indicate he's a pencilneck. Plus, put together, it sounds like "hava de pencil?" might cast aspersions on Mr. Lapiz's credibility.

Take it for what you will. If buying you a beer sometime gets me out of the whooping I'm sure I deserve I'd be glad to rob a hippy for the money.


Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Someone has been reading the Onion a lot

Seriously though see about sending that in to see if they can use it. It's definitely about their speed.

Matthew 10:16

They can't, it's real....kinda

See this was originally brought in by barracuda_trader, see en situ:


The Onion deals in total fabrication and making lies believable. My sattire deals in making reality sound unbelievable, far-fetched and even loopy. With plenty of sheer fabrication.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Maybe he's been reading the DP?

I think he's been reading the DP, and listening to Dr. Paul on YT. Don't expect to see this on MSM...it would put a big kink in their WAR MACHINE propaganda.

love it!

Good to see the smudge pot jumping on the satire bandwagon.


“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

smudge invented the wagon.

smudge invented the wagon.

then I will be happy to jump on HIS wagon

Whoever started this train, it's an enjoyable a ride and there is room for all. Thanks to everyone at DP that made me laugh.

“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

It sorta started with bill commodifying me

Bill3 started taking snippets of stuff and tweeting them which led to him firing up his own series of brilliant vignettes. Things took on a new dimension when Cudnoski entered the ring. Now there's an implicit competition going on. Chris tends to rely on The Onion occasionally but his original stuff is up to par.

It's kinda curious to consider how this might effect perceptions of the DP. I wonder about that. I'll assume the rest of the world gets none of our jokes and all subtlety is lost upon them....but it would be odd if the character here took a turn towards humor.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.


Bill3 could argue me into a corner and twist my words around backwards. There's no way I could win an intellectual battle with Bill3. I like him. It's always fun, but he is probably debate team USA #1. One night he totally messed me up. I started tripping all over my words.

Bill3 is a true wordsmith. I like Chris too. It's fun, especially after too much beer.

Dr. Paul said whatever you do, have fun. I like shooting the doo-doo in chat. Bill3 could turn me into a socialist or nazi or whatever halloween costume is available. He can suck my deviated septum. :)

I should pop into chat more often again. Problem is then if I'm ripped they make me go on the radio to prove my idiocracy. "Come on O'Farrell, call in...

We should start a libertarian lucadore (sic) group. That would be way too cool. We could put on crazy outfits and wrestle and pretend to be on all kinds of sides. We could KO people with the constitution.

Good poop.

lol I don't remember this but

lol I don't remember this but I won't argue with you. Those were heady times. come around chat its so much more laid back now and less alcoholic.

So you have built-in hard-wired irony

A libertarian luchadore group. A whole alternate universe in that single phraze.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

The twist on this one?

It's based on truth. Police chief Burbank is real. So is his non violent approach.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Do you mean...

Do you mean that talking to people with respect and in a polite and casual way works ???? I thought if you talked down to people in a loud commanding and thugish manner worked better. Silly me, when will I ever learn?


Well Done!

Well Done!