Marketing advice for Demming NM chamber of commerce. (More adult content warning)Submitted by Smudge Pot on Fri, 11/08/2013 - 15:08
Maybe you guys can help me out with some pointers before I send this off.
Dear Demming NM chamber of commerce,
You seem like a nice small town on the surface and by now you've noticed that certain of your local customs have caught national attention. I've decided to help you understand how you can turn this situation around to your benefit. And I'm going to tell you some things you won't hear from other consultants, the public or your constituency.
First of all, I imagine everybody is telling you that you only need to do one thing to improve your image: stop anally raping people. That's it, they will tell you, just do that one thing: stop anally raping people. Just stop it and stop it now they will say.
Well I want to be up front about my methods and how I see the positives here. I think what you need to do is anally rape EVEN MORE PEOPLE. Let me tell you why.
The crux of this is that the whole "family friendly" and "wholesome environment" thing is played and it's a saturated market. People have their choice of towns to visit where anal rape isn't part of official policy. Second, besides that sort of a "me too" business model, your town, and I dunno if you've looked at it lately with objective eyes but it's about as boring and unattractive a dump as can be found from you to Houston. I mean plainly you have NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR YOU. You really are one ugly duckling. Total wallflowersville.
Happily your greatest strength might go over well with a certain niche, a sort of demographic that is into that sort of thing. And I think it's where you really stand out as a community. With 3 down (or done, however you put it there) so far and probably more to come, you can really lay claim to being the anal rape capitol of the United States!
Think about it. That puts you right up there with New York, San Francisco, Miami Beach and Provincetown on Cape Cod which, if you haven't been there in the summer, you really should just to kind of get a feel for the atmosphere. Regardless, this makes you a potential WORLD CLASS VACATION DESTINATION.
Now let's kind of imagine the town through the eyes of the sex tourist. Obviously we can't guarantee that everyone that comes will get anally raped but we want to market Demming as a magical land of POSSIBILITY where you could get anally raped. So number one, you are going to need more cops to anally rape people, number two you are going to need more hotel room space for people to get anally raped in and you will probably want to look at teaching your citizens how to anally rape people as well. Your local hospital medical staff can show you how to do this consistent with their medical ethics.
You want to kind of take this sleezy run down vibe in town in terms of it's appearance and make it downright oppressive. Your target audience wants to feel dominated from their first experience with the town. Hang some nooses from trees and arrange chains and manacles in quaint nooks. Erect stocks and pillories in the center of town and provide bondage gear for public use and photo opps. Have raffles and contests with anal rape for the prizes and do a parade and nominate an Anal Rape Queen to preside over special events. And you want townspeople to kind of take this sullen, defeated attitude and kinda take it rapey. We want that kinda pervasive rapey vibe. Guests want to feel like they can be raped at any moment.
The possibilities are just endless and we've just scratched the surface. We haven't even talked about merchandizing but I'm seeing anal rape action figures, anal rape equipment, give yourself an anal rape at home kits, anal rape this, anal rape that, anal rape whatever! And modern technology allows us to deliver virtual rape, telerape, watch an anal-rape-per-view and so many other ways to make money you'll be the envy of the whole state, the whole union, indeed, the whole world.
Don't think you can't afford me, I'll take this risk with you and come in for 3% of gross. I see you as simple, hard working and honest people and I believe in you. And sometimes doing the right thing just feels right. Kinda like how it's gonna feel to so many people if you just trust me and let me take you to success. And don't do it for me, don't do it for you, do it for the children. These, your children that grow up and go on to college and represent Demming New Mexico to the world.
Ask yourself: don't they deserve to feel the pride?