UN One-Ups EPA, Bans all Use of Fire by HumansSubmitted by Molusk on Sun, 11/10/2013 - 02:04
Following the decision of the EPA to crack down on wood burning stoves, the even more overpaid bureaucrats at the UN have decided they won't be outdone and have determined to one up the EPA with a global ban on all fire use by humans.
Anyone using fire without licensing from a proper international body will receive a stern rebuking from a UN council and "won't like it one bit" according to sources inside the UN.
UN Environmental Safety spokesman Shambala Kanyewest Fructose read from a prepared statement: Negotiations are ongoing with the governments of the G20 countries (NGs) and the G7 nations (OGs) for the implementation of this progressive policy to fight forest fires and smoke pollution. Fire is a privilege and not a right, and countries with access to fire do not have the right to waste it willy nilly, nor to emit smoke from logs, newspapers or other kindling in a haphazard and unregulated manner.
The statement continued with a general statistical breakdown of the negative impact fire has had on the lives of people in developing countries and its disproportionate impact on women, children and people of color. Large numbers were cited and no one can doubt that someone worked very hard on the statement.
American President Baracko Bama also weighed in on the UN initiative at a scheduled townhall in Chicago, telling participants "We are moving into the 21st century toward a streamlined, fireless economy, and we will all have to adapt to not be left behind. Exemptions will be made for most vulnerable among us," and he pointed to a hobo warming his hands over a flaming garbage can.
He coolly pulled out his new e-cigarette and took puff before continuing,
"You go into these small towns and countries, facing economic hardship, it's not surprising they get bitter, they cling to their fire, to cooking with a live flame, watching the smoke billow in blue grey tufts, and the flames dance, listen to the pops of the air bubbles. They cling to getting fresh air and even being directly in the Sun, swimming in untreated water, and living in family units. As modern and progressive people, we don't fully understand these outmoded customs, but for these backward communities they still hold a powerful grip, it is all they have to live for."
As he was leaving the podium he leaned back to the microphone and added "Oh, and their healthcare too, they cling to their healthcare" before stepping over a dead body in his path. He departed in the presidential limousine and the drove off with the rest of his retinue, the motorcade deftly dodging car sized pot holes in the metro area, some of which had not been fully filled with unclaimed dead bodies and garbage for the occasion.