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UN One-Ups EPA, Bans all Use of Fire by Humans

Following the decision of the EPA to crack down on wood burning stoves, the even more overpaid bureaucrats at the UN have decided they won't be outdone and have determined to one up the EPA with a global ban on all fire use by humans.

Anyone using fire without licensing from a proper international body will receive a stern rebuking from a UN council and "won't like it one bit" according to sources inside the UN.

UN Environmental Safety spokesman Shambala Kanyewest Fructose read from a prepared statement: Negotiations are ongoing with the governments of the G20 countries (NGs) and the G7 nations (OGs) for the implementation of this progressive policy to fight forest fires and smoke pollution. Fire is a privilege and not a right, and countries with access to fire do not have the right to waste it willy nilly, nor to emit smoke from logs, newspapers or other kindling in a haphazard and unregulated manner.

The statement continued with a general statistical breakdown of the negative impact fire has had on the lives of people in developing countries and its disproportionate impact on women, children and people of color. Large numbers were cited and no one can doubt that someone worked very hard on the statement.

American President Baracko Bama also weighed in on the UN initiative at a scheduled townhall in Chicago, telling participants "We are moving into the 21st century toward a streamlined, fireless economy, and we will all have to adapt to not be left behind. Exemptions will be made for most vulnerable among us," and he pointed to a hobo warming his hands over a flaming garbage can.

He coolly pulled out his new e-cigarette and took puff before continuing,

"You go into these small towns and countries, facing economic hardship, it's not surprising they get bitter, they cling to their fire, to cooking with a live flame, watching the smoke billow in blue grey tufts, and the flames dance, listen to the pops of the air bubbles. They cling to getting fresh air and even being directly in the Sun, swimming in untreated water, and living in family units. As modern and progressive people, we don't fully understand these outmoded customs, but for these backward communities they still hold a powerful grip, it is all they have to live for."

As he was leaving the podium he leaned back to the microphone and added "Oh, and their healthcare too, they cling to their healthcare" before stepping over a dead body in his path. He departed in the presidential limousine and the drove off with the rest of his retinue, the motorcade deftly dodging car sized pot holes in the metro area, some of which had not been fully filled with unclaimed dead bodies and garbage for the occasion.

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Next up on the ban list:

Next up on the ban list: salt, sugar, pepper, paprika, cardamon, cinnamon, and bay leaves.

Many household kitchen spices can be turned into chemical weapons and be used by terrorists and must be regulated.

Southern Agrarian

Right Funny piece, best bit o' humour I have seen in days!

Here's to hoping more of us can get our sense of humour back.

"Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~~C.S. Lewis
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15


had some dream once when I was a kid.. have never been able to find this story so if it wasn't a dream and some story you know about I'm interested.. anyways, in this dream the end of it Zues told Athena and Pyros that man would be destroyed because Athena gave them knowlefge and Pyros gave them fire and those were for Gods not humans. So the UN takes away fire eh? Won't be long and they'll take away the mind too.

thanks Grange thats a cool

thanks Grange thats a cool dream. i never dream about high mythical allegorical stuff like that.


da viddy. I gotsta see his speech!


Great satire, Bill.


The Diamond Dog is a real cool cat. | Reporting on the world from an altitude of 420.

Great stuff BILL3...

...and not too far off the mark. Here in Southern California, the dainty handed technocrats have mandated a 'Check Before You Burn Program.' And I’m sure the restrictions will get progressively worse--a heavy handed and all encompassing no-burn end game. The door is open and a smoke ban has commenced.

For our safety, the children and the environment:

Under the program, SCAQMD will issue mandatory no-burn alerts from November 1 through the end of February.... Under amendments adopted in May 2013, at times there may be no-burn days that will apply to the entire South Coast Air Basin.

Link: http://www.aqmd.gov/healthyhearths/checkbeforeyouburn.htm


“The moral and constitutional obligations of our representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people.” - Ron Paul

thanks. well hopefully once

thanks. well hopefully once California officially becomes part of mexico yall will have more reasonable laws.

I'll never forget

when the federallis stormed the bus IO was on and took down two passangers, pulling them from their seats, weapons drans, stomping their faces into the floor of the bus.. and watching the Mexican people live in shear fear of the government. Talk about corrupt.

CA has it's problems, fortunately they remain in bog cities where MSM doesn't have to travel far to report whatever UN Agenda is the celebration of the day/week/month// Ole!


Nice to know that not all have lost their sense of humor...while still making a point.

"Beyond the blackened skyline, beyond the smoky rain, dreams never turned to ashes up until.........
...Everything CHANGED !!

thanks Glad you liked!

thanks Glad you liked!