Black Friday Freakout Open Thread (lavishly illustrated, more pics, vids, 40% more lavish)Submitted by Smudge Pot on Fri, 11/29/2013 - 15:21
Before I immerse you in the ink black pool of Black Friday Blitz, I offer you this relaxing opportunity to observe the annual gathering up hump back whales on Thanksgiving night. I can only imagine every one of their refrigerators was packed to the gunnels with heaping piles of leftovers at that moment but as you can see, instinct drives them to hoard up more in preparation for winter hibernation.
LET'S GET READY TO
First, the attackers overrun the castle guard.....
That was after yesterday's Thanksgiving warm up in which an officer was injured. OFFICER DOWN OFFICER DOWN!
More police are deployed...
Rabid shoppers then began sharpening their fangs on convenient rocks in preparation for tonight's bloodletting. Their senses have been honed by weeks of commercial broadcasting, they have trained all year, these are the elite of competitive shoppers going head to head in...
Once again the lines form. By the thousands.
I understand these people are queueing up for "iWhatevers". Most of these people don't even know what's inside the box.
This is really cute. These adorable kids have hidden in the shelves and they are making funny noises as people walk by. they aren't really hurting anything. It's so sweet...until....
Yup, it's the Asian Dr. Evil. Sorry kiddies, YOUR TERMINATED. Unfortunately bad men like good deals too.
Here's where the training really kicks in. Center screen, big guy in red black and grey jacket.
Do NOT get in that man's way, he's a pro. I remember him from the finals last year. Mark my words, that man has a great career as a competitive shopper ahead of him, we'll follow him with great interest. Bill3's favorite draft pick incidentally.
The melee quickly escalates. You can actually see two separate fights in this one as we have our first man down.
FIRST MAN DOWN! FIRST MAN DOWN! Oh wait, that's a gal. Using a taser. In a shopping mall. Looks like she did pretty well for herself. She escaped with her life and a new toaster.
More cops are called in to supervise the distribution of....whatever the heck is in those boxes. See, THIS IS WHY WE NEED COPS PEOPLE.
This is truly the mark of an advanced society. In Haiti they need guys with guns to distribute silly things like food and water. We need them to protect our precious supplies of whatever the hell those thingamajiggies are. (Extra points for sound track diversity on this one.)
We're gonna need more cops.
At 2:21 we see an unfortunate injured combattant being led away from the fray. He fought bravely, he fought well but this fight will be his last. He will be remembered.
OK seriously, we need more cops.
Beuler? Beuler? Beuler?
With stuff like this I don't miss Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom quite so much anymore. It's really helping me deal with the pain.
This next one was just made with awesome specifically in mind.
Things have gotten so out of control it has attracted the interest of French people. Do you know what it takes to get French people to care about anything besides France? Well, apparently it takes us. In our natural habitats.
The above is Treubig's vote for best in class because after all the sickening disillusionment so far, you get to see Santa Claus arrested.
Yeah, it happened. *sigh*
Give those cops coal in their stocking and they'll munch it down like pretzels.
Now if the French get involved, give me one good reason why OWS anarchists shouldn't. And while you think up that shining gem of logic,
Oops. They beat us to it, delivering yet another utterly incomprehensible yet VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE. See your local hippy for more details. And the best smoke in town. Also note their incredible abililty to be so very visible and audible while simultaneously being completely ignorable. Treu loves the fact that some people chanting are serving the dual purposes of rebelling against consumer culture while holding their place on the checkout line. With shopping carts loaded.
At this rate they'll have this capitalist system torn down in no time.
uh-oh it's the march of the giant plasma screens! Run hippies!
aaaaaaaaand POW! BOOYA! Not so fast hippy...
That's officer Bruce McLee with the awesome clothesline. That'll make a popular Christmas card this year.
It's just nice to see poorer and richer....
Older and younger....
...come together for the holidays. Everybody loves Christmas. Or hanukah. Or kwanza. The holiday season. Thanksgivoweezus. Or just plain shopping. It's important to note that currently trending on youtube are "Black Friday Haul" videos where the shopping world is currently showing itself what it just bought. In addition to hashtags #blackFridayHaul, #wallmartfight and #brawlmart.
So what does "yer basic Black Friday Haul" video look and sound like? Trust me you do NOT want to know. And that is why I'm gonna show you one. Make it all the way through this and we have psychiatric professionals standing by to treat you.
See that really is just there to screw with your mind. It's part of the whole experience. Just go with it man, don't try to fight it.
If you are still alive and do not require immediate counseling, this one is just transcendent. We did NO POST PRODUCTION EFFECTS or anything on this, this is raw "Black Friday Haul" footage selected very nearly at random. You may actually feel you are hallucinating. This is normal.
Those eyes still have that predatory glaze in them. Now imagine thousands of them oogling you. They will tear the meat off your body. This is what retail workers had to deal with all day. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE PEOPLE GO THROUGH NOW?
Not even sure what category this one goes in but the gal using a box of consumer products as a stepping stool to get what she wants?
I mean, why not walk all over something if you never intended to pay for it anyway? And somehow that one pic kinda sums it up for me. It's freedom, baby and sometimes you gotta walk all over somebody else's stuff to get yours.
The clear losers so far appear to be Apple fanbois who have nothing but rather stylish gift cards to content themselves with instead of the usual technobling. Here's to hoping for The Gates Of Christmas Past.
Oh that was horrible. Ugh. Terrible. I admit it. When you've gone this far there's no reason not to throw these guys into it...
At least somebody's having fun...without risking life and limb. Kinda. This is the safest activity we've seen in this whole strange journey.
Anyways, See ya real soon!
(All images/video content are hotlinked, copyright issues abound. If you like this piece save a local copy, it doesn't exist in this form anyplace else and nobody likes hotlinkers. Thanks also to the DP chatters for content and enduring inspiration.)