Man Survives Encounter With Police OfficersSubmitted by LapHog on Sat, 12/07/2013 - 21:19
Man Survives Encounter With Police Officers
Internal investigation launched; Chief Coverall vows to review policies
Anytown resident John Doe says this morning's breakfast is the best he's ever had.
That's because last night, after picking up his dry cleaning at Joe Schmo's on Main Street, he walked directly by two police officers on the sidewalk as he made his way back to his car.
"I'm not sure how I did [survive]," he said, his voice still trembling in the aftermath of the dangerous encounter.
"They were on the same sidewalk as me. I was looking over my dry cleaning to check for wrinkles. By the time I noticed them, it was too late. They were right in front of me." He held out his arm to demonstrate how close the officers were before he realized his life was in danger. "Literally, this close."
Mr. Doe said he made brief eye contact with each of them, a mistake which, upon reflection, triggers a cascade of tears.
"I know better than that. I know better than to invite any kind of interaction with police. I hate myself for not keeping my head down," he lamented.
But fortune favored Mr. Doe this night.
"They didn't do anything, [they didn't] even tase me. It was unbelievable."
Asked if the parties had so much as exchanged words, Mr. Doe promptly responded, "Not a single one. I mean, it's crazy. The instant it was all going down, I remember being instinctively prepared for the typical litany of senseless commands and barrage of abusive questions, followed by a gunshot wound or two. But they didn't even really acknowledge me at all," Mr. Doe explained.
Mr. Doe paused, and the silence of his deep reflection said more than this author can convey in words.
"They just walked on by."
Sources have confirmed that the officers involved in the incident were multiyear veterans Happy Savage and Napoleon Quickdraw. Officers Savage and Quickdraw did not respond to inquiries, but department chief Coverall released the following statement:
"Our officers are held to a high standard of professional conduct. Recent reports have charged that two of our officers recently passed by presumably innocent civilians on the street and left them entirely in peace. We take these accusations very seriously. I have initiated an internal investigation, and if these allegations prove true, the officers involved will face appropriate sanctions, up to and including termination."
"Legal precedent being what it is with respect to law enforcement, there is absolutely no excuse for leaving innocent citizens unintimidated, untased, or alive, and we will review our internal policies to ensure that this doesn't happen again. In the meantime, we will have no further comment on this matter."
As for Mr. Doe, while grateful to be alive, he says he now suffers from survivor's guilt.
"Hundreds of innocent people die at the hands of police officers every year. Why me? Why did they let me go?"
He has secured counseling, but is not optimistic about his prospects for healing.
"Not because I think the counseling won't work, but because I'm absolutely sure the police will find another pretense to arrest or kill me," he explained.
"That's just what they do, and everyone knows it."
When advised of Mr. Doe's expectations in this regard, Chief Coverall laughed.
"Well, shit, no sense denying it. Wanna see the SWAT blueprint?"
He provided a PDF for our readers to see precisely how they planned to terrorize Mr. Doe by storming his house in the middle of the night, on the condition that we would wait until Mr. Doe is dead before publishing it.
It is attached below.