26 votes

Man Survives Encounter With Police Officers

Man Survives Encounter With Police Officers
Internal investigation launched; Chief Coverall vows to review policies

Anytown, US

Anytown resident John Doe says this morning's breakfast is the best he's ever had.

That's because last night, after picking up his dry cleaning at Joe Schmo's on Main Street, he walked directly by two police officers on the sidewalk as he made his way back to his car.

And survived.

"I'm not sure how I did [survive]," he said, his voice still trembling in the aftermath of the dangerous encounter.

"They were on the same sidewalk as me. I was looking over my dry cleaning to check for wrinkles. By the time I noticed them, it was too late. They were right in front of me." He held out his arm to demonstrate how close the officers were before he realized his life was in danger. "Literally, this close."

Mr. Doe said he made brief eye contact with each of them, a mistake which, upon reflection, triggers a cascade of tears.

"I know better than that. I know better than to invite any kind of interaction with police. I hate myself for not keeping my head down," he lamented.

But fortune favored Mr. Doe this night.

"They didn't do anything, [they didn't] even tase me. It was unbelievable."

Asked if the parties had so much as exchanged words, Mr. Doe promptly responded, "Not a single one. I mean, it's crazy. The instant it was all going down, I remember being instinctively prepared for the typical litany of senseless commands and barrage of abusive questions, followed by a gunshot wound or two. But they didn't even really acknowledge me at all," Mr. Doe explained.


Mr. Doe paused, and the silence of his deep reflection said more than this author can convey in words.

"They just walked on by."

Sources have confirmed that the officers involved in the incident were multiyear veterans Happy Savage and Napoleon Quickdraw. Officers Savage and Quickdraw did not respond to inquiries, but department chief Coverall released the following statement:

"Our officers are held to a high standard of professional conduct. Recent reports have charged that two of our officers recently passed by presumably innocent civilians on the street and left them entirely in peace. We take these accusations very seriously. I have initiated an internal investigation, and if these allegations prove true, the officers involved will face appropriate sanctions, up to and including termination."

"Legal precedent being what it is with respect to law enforcement, there is absolutely no excuse for leaving innocent citizens unintimidated, untased, or alive, and we will review our internal policies to ensure that this doesn't happen again. In the meantime, we will have no further comment on this matter."

As for Mr. Doe, while grateful to be alive, he says he now suffers from survivor's guilt.

"Hundreds of innocent people die at the hands of police officers every year. Why me? Why did they let me go?"

He has secured counseling, but is not optimistic about his prospects for healing.

"Not because I think the counseling won't work, but because I'm absolutely sure the police will find another pretense to arrest or kill me," he explained.

"That's just what they do, and everyone knows it."

When advised of Mr. Doe's expectations in this regard, Chief Coverall laughed.

"Well, shit, no sense denying it. Wanna see the SWAT blueprint?"

He provided a PDF for our readers to see precisely how they planned to terrorize Mr. Doe by storming his house in the middle of the night, on the condition that we would wait until Mr. Doe is dead before publishing it.

It is attached below.

Trending on the Web

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.



I suggest ignoring the

I suggest ignoring the up/down vote posting here
Often times that coded widget is simply an instrument creating division amongst us, as well as second guesses and monkey thoughts

I rest my case

I rest my case ;)

awesomely clever & original post

lol I didn't clear my


I didn't clear my original comment fast enough, obviously...

So thanks for your comment about what I said. Much appreciated.

The two anonymous downvotes just bothered me viscerally, for an instant, cuz I personally aim never to downvote someone's post or comment unless I add my own comment explaining why I did so.

Candidly, if I feel the urge to downvote a thread now, I typically consider that my cue to leave it behind altogether, and most often never leave a mark.

If and when I do leave a mark, though, my aim is always to explain why, so the person understands and has the chance to respond.

So when someone downvotes my stuff without explaining why, I get all:

Fuck 'em.




nice to see another jump into the satire pool

Just a small warning. We all pee in it.

Anyways, this is a great piece!

“The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants.” — Albert Camus

I can tread water; hold my

I can tread water; hold my breath forever; and I have a huge bladder, to boot.

I like my odds.


RIP Mr. Doe

Still trying to open that PDF...

Well written, but

sadly rings true. I actually can relate to John Doe. lol thanks for posting this.

Indeed. Thanks for your


Thanks for your reply. As I express in a comment below, that this satirical piece is at all relatable is a statement all by itself.

Thanks for your feedback; it is much appreciated.


Would be funny if it didn't

Would be funny if it didn't feel so true...
I happened to be at a stop sign this morning when a local cop rolled up at the stop sign to my right...he turned and I could feel my heartbeat quicken. It dawned on me that despite being raised to believe that cops are the good guys (and that their visible presence on the streets is a good thing) - I now feel absolutely less safe when I know the cops are around. :(

Thank you for your

Thank you for your comment.

Your sentiment captures precisely what it is I was attempting to convey, and as such, I consider my post a success.

I only chose the 'humor' forum for the post because I didn't see a more appropriate place for it, since technically it's satire.

In any case, I'm appreciative of your feedback and glad it resonated.

And glad you also survived your encounter this morning. :-)


nicely done.

Why thank you! Very kind of

Why thank you! Very kind of you to comment.


Bump to advise that local

Bump to advise that local police encourage you to read this to the end. Chief Coverall adds that he has a SWAT plan for everyone who doesn't.

One and only bump; I promise with all the integrity of an average cop.