Adulterers and Sorcerers Lobby Call For Phil to Be Re-Fired From Duck DynastySubmitted by Molusk on Mon, 12/23/2013 - 12:07
Members of the Adulterer's Society of Solidarity, or the assmen as they're known colloquially, issued a statement today calling for Phil Robertson to be fired again from his hit soap opera Duck Dynasty on ABC, for his hateful and offensive comments about them.
In their press release they stated "as C. S. Lewis said, when we made those vows to fidelity, we were only doing it to look good in front of all the attendants, to trick to our inlaws, and attain all the status gains of married life.
We never intended literally to keep to it. It is our natural impulse to have sex with anyone we are attracted to, and only a bigot or fool would expect we do anything other than indulge all of our immediate impulses at all times."
Some of those in the group were also proud boasters, and one stepped forward to say "We are rich, we are good looking, we are fucking bad asses. This is pussy shit!" and he spiked a Bible on the floor.
The Sorcerer's league was more subdued and taciturn in their response, and merely read from a big, old looking black book in an unknown tongue.
A small contingent of avowed idolators also turned out to show their solidarity and demand Phil renounce his outmoded monotheism, for they too are very sensitive as a people and offended by Phil's quoting of Romans.
Together they all agreed that the hateful portrayal of them in many New Testament Books demanded an apology from Phil personally, and made it known how their tolerance would just not allow them to put up with any dissent.
The three groups then jointly issued a demand from the Holy See and all other major Christians confessions to immediately convene a new council of Nicea, put aside their differences and enter a new communion, in order to excise all of the Paul authored books from the New Testament, and to take a more modern and enlightened approach to God's infallible commands. Or at least "just die already!"
Representatives from the fraternal order of gossips and backbiters were strangely silent.