6 votes

Dear NSA: One More for My File

Dear NSA,

As a stamp collector, I know how frustrating it can be to have a missing spot in one's collection. From my cellphone activity you know already that I have been at my dad's house for the past week, painting and cleaning my old room.

Well, I came across something which I wrote 27 years ago, in the pre-internet era. It is an original composition of mine which contains what may be revelatory clues to the inner workings of my mind.

For your approval I present to you 'The Hunt'. In the interest of historical accuracy I will reproduce it exactly, with spelling errors and the original punctuation. However, as it was typed in all-caps I will edit it to 'non-shouting' for easier readability.

Haay! Hyya! Hyya! Hyya! Aayua! Ooohh! He yelled. I think I hurt him. I said.

The Hunt

After I a beat him up I woke mom up and took his gun and hitailed it out of there.
When he woke up he found himself tied up in my room. Unfortunatly I didn t know that he had a knife. He cut throught the rope and escaped. He took our other car and tracked us down. When he found us he chased us throught two cities. We ran over fifty lights. Twenty-some were green. And he fired a lot of gunshots. Finnally, after three hours of wild goose chase, we lost them. And the hundreds of police that were chasing us.
When we were safe mom asked me "What was he chasing us for?" And I repoled "I'll give you a clue. It starts with D. It's very valuable, and it's the hardest substance on earth. "A, a diomond!" mom said. Yep. Aagh. Oh boy. Wake up mom.
Oh! Where is the diomond, now? I fed it to Frank. Huh! Oh. Good thinking. You meen that Mr. Alfonso Hawk Robed the bank? No. His people did. When we got home I stayed in the car pretending to drive. I was pretending that I was being chased by a crimanal, when at that moment the window broke, then dents started apearing in the door. "Oh boy," I thought "Next time it might be me! At that time I somehow managed to lose them. I had a dollar in my pocket from my birthday, so, I bought 87c worth of gas. Well I got 13c left over. And a neat mystery, thats bareley half over. And I get to drive my moms shot-up Pinto. Well, I guess theres no pla.... hey, the fair! Ya! The fair! who would look at the fair? When I got there I saw two men, they were the men who were chasing me! Of course, where else would you look for a nine year old boy.

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Alfonso Hawk

Herbie Rides Again!

Colchester, New London County, Connecticut

Wow - I was wondering where I came up with that name...

and 1986 was smack-dab in the middle of my 'Herbie' phase, so it fits. Thanks!

Tweeting occasionally as himself @cudnoski on the twitter.

My son went through a Herbie phase

Just a few years ago. Even made a Herbie Halloween costume. Had all the Herbie movies. The Love Bug, Herbie Rides Again, Herbie Goes Bananas, Herbie goes to Monte Carlo, and of course the Lindsay Lohan Herbie Fully Loaded. As soon as I saw the name Alonzo Hawk, I knew where it came from.

Colchester, New London County, Connecticut

Never saw the Lohan flick...

but I loved the rest when I was a kid.

FYI - the bold text was underlined in the original.

How does one underline online?

Tweeting occasionally as himself @cudnoski on the twitter.

I don't think you can on the DP..

but it is usually <u>Underlined stuff</u>

I AM is all that is. Everything else is malleable.

Yeah - that doesn't work, though I recall seeing underlined text

in the past.

Wow - someone downvoted my work of fiction. What a total db.

Tweeting occasionally as himself @cudnoski on the twitter.

jrd3820's picture

How did that make you feel?

And then what happened?

error code 403.

POL POT is checking his notes.

And then I remembered that this piece was a collaboration

between me and my younger brother. He is the weird one - he works 40 hours every single week.

Tweeting occasionally as himself @cudnoski on the twitter.

you need to answer the ladys question.

it made you feel like a collaboration?

step up to the plate please.

Well fine. It made me feel sad.

There's someone out there with nothing better to do than go around downvoting posts for no good reason.

Tweeting occasionally as himself @cudnoski on the twitter.