NSA To Cut Most Programs After Finding Americans Only Think About Sex or Food All of The TimeSubmitted by Chris P. Crunchski on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 18:25
by Theo N. Ion
Duck Duck News
In a bold though in retrospect not at all surprising response to criticisms internationally and abroad of their domestic spying programs, the NSA today announced a steep cutback in operating expenses based on the assumption that all Americans constantly think only about food, sex, or what's on TV tonight, and probably aren't worth watching that closely, saving billions of dollars.
"The spying programs instituted by the NSA were a response to the threat of home-grown terrorism by Americans within our own borders" states Theo N. Ion, analyst "however, after collecting thousands of terrabytes of metadata, we, I mean they, determined that if an American isn't at his crappy job he's either on the way there or on the way home, or else probably out there looking for job. Or else he's at home arguing with his wife. Either way, there's no chance he's plotting a terrorist attack."
The report also indicated that every American flying out of the country for a vacation or to visit family is doing so out of guilt or obligation, and not a desire to meet with insurgents.