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My God has been dying

For some reason I felt a need to write this here. I suppose I feel pretty alone these days. It seems that no matter what friends I'm around, the complexity of relationships and the difference between myself and others prevents me from feeling close or intimate. I graze the news and comments here every day. Sometimes I find no people I agree with on a comment thread, but I can usually identify with where they're coming from even in those cases. I hope to at least find others that feel this way toward me as they read this.

I'm not really sure where to start with my story, either. I suppose it doesn't matter, though.

I was raised Christian. I was very involved in the youth group at church in high school. I interned at my high school youth group when I was in college. I was very judgmental toward people with certain habits, but I had my own habit I was ashamed of. This habit and difficulty in my marriage found me participating in 12-step programs and rehab. At a marriage seminar a few years ago (actually a year before rehab), I experienced the closest feelings to God I'd ever had in my life. I felt like I had a completely new understanding of God. I did have a completely new understanding. Shame was gone and I could breathe for the first time. It was honestly the first time I felt joy in my life. Laughter and fun I had experienced, but never joy. After several months, I went back to my habit. Went to rehab. Several months later, went back to my habit again. A few months later, I wound up divorced.

I've been divorced for about a year and a half. I suppose I mark my separation as when my God started to die. Sounds like an emotional reaction to a devastating event, I know. Truth is, I wasn't that devastated by my divorce. I've wondered if somewhere deep under the surface, I really am devastated by it, and that's why I have these feelings today, but I don't think that's it. The further I get from my divorce, the more I realize how broken the marriage was and how I wasn't the only one with a problem in the relationship. I was treated poorly, in ways no one deserves. I barely cried about the divorce. I've cried much harder about two other girls I've seen since the divorce. I feel bad about that in a way considering my ex wife invested herself in the marriage, but that is the truth.

As soon as my ex wife and I separated, I stopped going to 12-step meetings. I stopped going to religious-based meetings as well. I stopped going to church. I felt like there's no reason to bother fighting this habit all the time. It takes too much energy and there's no lasting result. I continued with my habit and tried to control it to where it wasn't problematic. I'm having reasonable success with that today, and less shame than I've had about it in the past, aside from during/after the marriage seminar I mentioned earlier. Not being involved in all the meetings has releived a good deal of anxiety.

On the other hand, losing my faith has been increasing my anxiety. By losing my faith, I don't mean not going to church. I mean I no longer have an affirmative belief that God is God, that Jesus is God and died for my sins and brings me alive, etc. I do still have a real fondness for Jesus. My belief in him brought me joy. Who he was to me at one time in my life is moving. I feel the belief system I had was beautiful. But it was flawed. It was contradictory. I had to gloss over parts of the Bible while enhancing others. Looking back on my life, I feel I've always had to do that. I've always had to look the other way when it came to certain things in the Bible. And if I cut out portions of it, how can I believe others? Perhaps there is a way, but I haven't found it.

Moreover, throughout my life when I would hear or read debates between atheists and Christians, I always felt like the atheists really had good arguments, and the Christians often looked foolish. Sometimes I could come up with arguments to improve the Christian side, but I always felt I identified with the atheist's arguments just as much, if not more, than the Christian's. When I was a Christian, I would tell myself that if I were an atheist, I would have to be a nihilist, because there would be no point in anything.

I'm getting to that point today. When I stop and think about things, I can't find a purpose. It happens occasionally. It seems to depend on how distracted I am by whatever activity I'm involved in. But sometimes I'll be working, or playing a game, or talking to someone, and all of a sudden my mind hops out of the moment and wonders whether this means anything at all. The origin of the universe might come to mind--where did we come from, and what could we possibly mean among the vastness of the universe and the expanse of time? In a billion years, none of what occurs today will matter or be remembered, and a billion years is nothing against infinite time.

And then I hop back into the moment and resume what I'm doing. Like I always thought I'd believe as an atheist when I was a Christian, it seems whatever I do is just something to do to distract me from depression and hopelessness. And I can't understand how atheists are okay with it. How they can get on in life and find it worthwhile to do anything.

I'm not atheist, I don't think. I suppose I'm agnostic today. But I still haven't found purpose, and don't know how to. Everything I hear that others find meaning in, I find to be unsubstantiated if it's spiritual, and only temporary and ultimately meaningless if it's something like finding meaning in relationships. I am truly happy for people who can find meaning and purpose in those things or in any faith, whether just something made up on their own or based in some scripture. It seems like a much more fulfilling way to look at things. I would not take that away from anyone, and I find beauty in it.

I do not have suicidal thoughts. I feel I should mention that. I don't see how that would ever help anything, and I don't consider it at all. I hope to find meaning somehow, someday. I hope that if I never find it in my lifetime on Earth, I find it after death. Death will come soon enough--no need to hasten the day.

I would like to hear from others if you have thoughts of your own, especially if you are agnostic or atheist and somehow have managed to find meaning and purpose in life in spite of the things I've said here. Thanks for reading.

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My brother you have a lot of turmoil going on inside. Romantic relationships are probably the last thing you need right now man. You need to get your head on straight.

You need one or two good people around you who will be candid and strong, hold you accountable, in regards to your situation.

Your life is falling apart. On the inside and outside. Don't get caught up in nonsense about "happiness". America as a country is all about being happy and that is why we are freaking dumpster fire.

I would like to quote the site's namesake, "The purpose of life to strive for virtue an excellence..."

When you are handing all the responsibility that truly should rest on your shoulders you will feel a deep inner joy. No shortcuts, no books...Christ offer's salvation, but you will still not find that deep joy until you got your shizz in order.

Good luck and I hope you can get a couple of solid people around you.


Liberty = Responsibility

I Went Through The Same Thing

It will pass. The problem is much like when you take a drug that gives you an artificial high, you do it long enough and you become addicted. Take the drug away and you go through withdrawals. The drug has warped your perception of reality, you become desensitized to reality. Until you're weened off the drug completely, you will have trouble seeing the entire wonderful "zing" of reality.

A good analogy is someone telling you that you're so important that you will be given 50 million dollars five years from now. For the next few years, your mind is just overwhelmed with the thought, of all the things you will be able to do. In four-and-a-half years, you discover the promise was bogus. Your perception of life without it has been warped, where you would have otherwise been more focused on realizing the non-monetary beauty of life. Life IS awesome.

dark night of the soul

It sounds like "the dark night of the soul" in spiritual language. If you read up on it you may find comfort. It could also be called "disillusionment". which is necessary - it will bring you closer to truth - eventually. The good news is disillusionment is part of the path to enlightenment. Looking on the bright side, you are on your way!

I am reading this book, which I highly recommend: "the Untethered Soul" (a book about consciousness - not religion). Sending love and prayers to you! This too shall pass!

This Too Will Pass

Here is the Famous Sufi Short Story, or Parable, "This too will pass" and Osho's insightful commentary on this great Parable of Life:

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

Thank you Telepathic! I enjoyed it so

That was amazing!!!! Exactly. I thank you :)

You are so very welcome Lao Tzua!

I am very happy that you liked it and as you liked it so much I want to give you another one inspired by your username. So here is Osho's one commentary about the meaning of Lao Tzu's thinking in our present world:

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

Thank you Telepathic - I will read this!

Sorry I haven't been able to read it yet - but I will and I will get back to you. :)

Dear Lao Tzua!

Your username has always been one of my favorite usernames of anybody on DP as I have loved Lao Tzu for so many years.

No need to be sorry that you haven't read it yet as actually about the Osho's commentary on Lao Tzu I would say that I would actually suggest you to first read these two of his Lao Tzu commentaries before you read the one I sent you first. So maybe there was a reason that you didn't read the text yet.

These I think are even better ones.
Firstly, Osho: The Way of the Tao:

Secondly, Osho: Lao Tzu Says, "The Navel is the Center and not the Heart or the Brain":

If you want to know and read more about Osho's beautiful interpretations of Lao Tzu I recommend you to check his book "Absolute Tao: On the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu":

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

I am so sorry T - and so appreciative...

I can't quite get through the top piece. I'm not sure why! Is it stubbornness? Exhaustion? Is it my attachment to Lao Tzu's writing? I guess I like to soak them in myself. I will say that from the original piece I read - which I loved - I did chafe at the insistence regarding the necessity of a "guru" person. To me, it is a priestly attitude.... supposing the Tao is not/cannot be directly active through us. I feel like that is Lao Tzu's point. Please forgive me, friend! I will revisit these! :)

Lao Tzua

Well, First of all there is nothing to be sorry about and I of course forgive you even if there is not really anything to be forgiven.

I understand your "chafe at the insistence regarding the necessity of a 'guru' person." This is a thing that some of my friends who I have recommended to read some of Osho's book or texts about spirituality, meditation, religion or his commentaries on Lao Tzu, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, etc. have also complain to me.

But the thing is that the speciality of Osho compared to most of the so called spiritual teachers or gurus is that he is all the time speaking at so many different levels. At the one level he is playing the guru-game and at the same time he is strongly saying that there is no need of a guru, priest or any other middle-man between the individual and Tao. This means that definitely according to Osho "the Tao is directly active through us" with any middle-man to borrow your phrasing.

The primary meaning of the guru, that is, the teacher is to be a finger toward the moon à la Zen.
Lao Tzu is of course himself a kind of guru, that is, a finger pointing toward the Tao. The Lao Tzu's text is the finger and not the Real thing as the first lines of Tao Te Ching state.

I don't see Osho to have a "priestly attitude" at all, but I know as I already said that there are people that think he has. I have learned so much from reading his texts about different spiritual, religious and philosophical matters and he is all the time making fun of priests of all religions who are according to him most of the time the last people to understand such a beautiful flowerings of human consciousness as Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, St. Fancis and other wonderful mad men and women of God.

I have learned from Osho to read important religious, spiritual or philosophical texts with playfulness (which is already important feature of Lao Tzu's and Chuang Tzu's attitude), wonder, open-mindedness always putting ready-made traditional interpretations in abeyance as they are exactly something which makes wonder, open-mindedness and playfulness impossible. These ways of reading are exactly opposite to me of "a priestly attitude".

For example in the first text that I sent to you in my previous comment to you Osho quotes famous parable of Jesus and says:

"Jesus says: "Unless you become like children you will not enter my kingdom of God." I go on repeating it again and again, in different meanings. People like Jesus have multi-meanings in their words."

It is Osho's style and technique to interpret in multiple ways the words of Jesus, Lao Tzu, Buddha, Moses, etc. in order to loosen people's dogmatic interpretations and get them as far as possible from "priestly attitude". And what is important is that he is always playful, humorous and joking. And none of his texts or books are written; they are all gathered from speeches, discourses and lectures of thousands of hours which means that there is over 600 books to his name.

But as I said there is truly nothing to be sorry about, my dear Lao Tzua. And if his unorthodox style is not for you, then be it. But my advise is that never read him as a guru, but as guy who has something interesting and humorous to tell you. He often said that his books should not be taken as gospels, but more like gossips. And if he says something about something in one text it might be that in another text he contradicts himself completely in order to make the reader to think for herself and to make the reader's mind as elastic and open as possible. In my opinion the best way to get into the crazy world of Osho is to listen his interviews with the world press. This is a great 2 minute example:

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

"I am vast, okay?" LOL!

Love it!... That would be an excellent mantra - and/or on a t-shirt - LOL! Thanks, Telepathic, for giving me the expansive view of OSHO. I will read/listen on. As I said, I really loved the "This too shall pass" piece - enough to want to read it again. Thank you.

You are so right - Lao Tzu is also a finger pointing at the moon. An exceedingly poetic finger! How the Tao gets our attention is how it gets our attention. And we are the finger, too! And you are the finger, Telepathic. It is such a great pleasure to have someone point things to me out the way you have. Thank you!!!!! :)

"I am vast, okay?" includes "I am a Spiritual Playboy"

The mantra and/or t-shirt is a great idea for the slogan "I am vast, okay?" Actually it could be the t-shirt for R3VOLution. GOP says they are the Big Tent, but R3VOLution says "We are vast, okay?" Join us whatever you are, whoever you are: "We are vast, okay?"

How about the T-shirt "I am a spiritual playboy"?


A Spiritual Playboy is not Zorba the Greek or Gautama Buddha, but the synthesis of them: Zorba the Buddha
So some Zorba the Greek for you also: "A man needs a little madness to cut the rope and be free"


And my all time favorite Zorba quote: "Life is trouble, only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and look for trouble."


And some Gautama Buddha also of course as a balance: "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
Buddha: "Meditation brings wisdom; lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom."

Zorba the Buddha is a synthesis of Dance and Meditation, Madness and Wisdom, Trouble/R3VOLt and Peace, Joy and Silence.

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

Perhaps You are an Ana-theist!?!

You write: "I'm not atheist, I don't think. I suppose I'm agnostic today."

I say that PERHAPS instead of being an agnostic, you are actually an anatheist, or a person moving toward anatheistic position.

And for this reason I suggest you to look into book by Richard Kearney titled "Anatheism: Returning to God After God".

Kearney is a great contemporary philosopher and I truly recommend you to check out this book as it might open you to think the whole God question from a very different point of view. Ana-theism comes after theism and atheism. It is a place in which a new understanding of God, a new possibility of faith comes into being after doubt, the "death of God" and atheism. The question is how would one understand God and also return to God after the "death" of God, the "disappearance" of God, or atheism, if 'death', 'disappearance' and atheism is truly taken seriously. Is it possible that theism and atheism are not contradictory terms even if they are normally seen as such, but two sides of the same coin and in this sense two perspectives which complement each other? Is it perhaps possible that a deeper understanding of God can appear only after the death of God?

It is also a question if there is something more original, or primordial, than theism and atheism as relation to Reality/Ultimate and to the mystery of life. For Kearney, anatheism is a renewed relation to God after going beyond the dichotomy of theism and atheism and the dichotomy of traditional notions of belief and disbelief.

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

I've always heard

that 'agnostic' was just a less divisive term for 'atheist', as both labels are used by those who don't subscribe to religion, though nowadays 'atheist' has become the new 'anti-theist'.

Too many isms to keep track of.

A signature used to be here!

The Essence of Being Agnostic is not at all conneted to Atheism

In the original sense being agnostic is something that is very different than atheism as in a sense it can be said that most of the Christians are agnostics if we use the original meaning of the Greek based word which is a-gnostic, that is, a- "not" + gnostic "one who knows", "one who has higher knowledge of spiritual things". Gnostics, that is, gnostic christians were and are from the point of view of orthodox (right/true/correct belief)Christianity heretics and that means that actually all mainstream christians (Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox as Eastern Church Christians, Born-Again etc.) are agnostics, that is, not-gnostics,not Gnostic Christians. So actually atheist are not agnostics, or even "those who don't subscribe to religion" in general as most of the Christians are agnostics, not-gnostics.

To make this above train of thought possible one of course has to use the word agnostic in more original manner than we use the word 'agnostic' normally in our everyday speaking which is most of the time almost totally deaf to the root-meaning of the words. Most of the time we speak, but we don't really know at all what we are truly saying with the words that we are using. In order to grow out of our deafness we have to learn to listen to the words in their depth-dimension in our speaking, in our use of language. In order to do so we need to find a new relation to language in which our speaking is in a constant state of wonder, or as Maurice Merleau-Ponty says in his book "Phenomenology of Perception" that we gain an attitude in which "the linguistic and intersubjective world...causes us [to] wonder". (p. 189)

Of course from the gnostic christian point of view it could be argued in the opposite way than what I have just argued above that agnosticism has nothing to do with atheism and in this sense your point that "'agnostic' was just a less disive term for 'atheist', as both labels are used by those who don't subscribe to religion" would be true in a different way than you most probably meant it to be understood. In this opposite sense agnostics, that is, the mainstream/traditional/orthodox christians are actually atheists as they don't know God, they don't have the gnosis, that is, the experiential knowledge of God and the gnostics are true theists as they have this experiential knowledge (deeper knowledge) of God which gives them faith which is based on knowledge and not only on belief through the words of others like Jesus and St. Paul.

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

I enjoyed reading your commentary here.

I agree that we would do well to find a new relation to language "in which our speaking is in a constant state of wonder." And much to wonder about there is. Words tell us about our history... including, I have no doubt, very ancient history - reflected in not only words but, indeed, each letter-symbol-sound. Not that this book goes back that far, but I found it really interesting:

Owen Barfield's History In English Words

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
~ John Muir

sir, you are incorrect

While you are correct in that the word "agnostic" could be interpreted, based on its root, as being the antipode to Gnosticism, this is not the historical origin of the word. The word "agnostic" was only coined in 1869 by Thomas Henry Huxley.

The antipodal sect to the Gnostics were the Pistics, which later became (small o) orthodox Christianity.

"It may be a hundred years before a computer beats humans at Go - maybe even longer. If a reasonably intelligent person learned to play Go, in a few months he could beat all existing computer programs." - Piet Hut

Ed, you are correct!

In my comment I shouldn't have used the phrasing "in the original sense", but more like a phrasing "in a possible etymological sense" even if this isn't perhaps completely right choice of words either. What I was saying was my extempore train of thought which was based on the etymology of "gnosis" and "agnosis". So actually it was during writing that comment that I first time thought the possible contradictory connection between agnostic and gnostic. For some reason this thought-connection had never come to mind before I wrote it in that comment.

I don't have knowledge if Irenaeus and other early orthodox Church Fathers who wrote against gnostics ever called themselves agnostics (agnostikos). This would be interesting to find out.

"Air is the very substance of our freedom, the substance of superhuman joy....aerial joy is freedom."--Gaston Bachelard--

As terse as I can be:

Life is a practical experience; it is not a head trip. Get up and boogie and you will find God.

Terse and

spiritually deep, and oh, so true!

“It is the food which you furnish to your mind that determines the whole character of your life.”
―Emmet Fox

At a marriage seminar a few

At a marriage seminar a few years ago (actually a year before rehab), I experienced the closest feelings to God I'd ever had in my life. I felt like I had a completely new understanding of God. I did have a completely new understanding. Shame was gone and I could breathe for the first time. It was honestly the first time I felt joy in my life.

That paragraph jumps out at me like a fox in a henhouse.

You carry so much guilt around for your habit, as you stated numerous times. The best you felt is when you admitted you had a problem and tried to deal with it on all levels; spiritually, emotionally, physically and personally.

Ditch the habit or ditch the guilt. You will be better off either way.

The success of the seminar on your personal self and well being speaks VOLUMES about what positive changes you can make in your life and the meaning you can find in it.

I'd recommend attending some self-discovery type seminars if you are able. Invest in yourself.

Can't say I can't relate.

I've had more than my fair share of moments where I felt like God wasn't there.

You seem like a person with an academic bent, given your reference to Christian vs. atheist debates and interpretation of the Bible. In all honesty, I have a suspicion that the Christians in question were of the "young Earth creationist" sort, and not the smart ones, either. I would highly recommend checking out Dr. William Lane Craig, who runs a website called "Reasonable Faith." He's a very intelligent fellow; I watched a video of a debate between him and Christopher Hitchens a while back, and it was a delight watching the back-and-forth.

A piece of advice regarding the Bible - certain sections are poetic or metaphorical and should be read as such. Despite what some may say, this is not "picking and choosing" what passages to interpret literally, but rather common sense and context. For instance, the Flood. Was it a global flood? Highly unlikely - "flooding the world" actually makes more sense when read as a flood of the INHABITED world, a -significantly- smaller area.

Now, what about the brutality of the Old Testament? That's a disturbing part for many, including myself. However, several things must be kept in mind. A) These cultures were some of the most horrific ever to exist, engaging in brutal child sacrifice and ritual prostitution, B) God waited to sic Israel on them for several centuries because their crimes were not yet intolerable, and C) these were very, very specific moments where God Himself commanded it, as part of His plan. In addition, while it is not explicitly stated, the Bible heavily implies that children are shown mercy after death, meaning that He was not condemning those killed in Israel's conquests (note that outside of these INCREDIBLY specific incidents, similar actions are explicitly stated to be frowned upon. As in, hellfire and damnation frowned upon.).

Depending on your age... you might not ever die.

Advancement in medical innovation is likely going to result in most people becoming functionally immortal. Basically science is working on fixing the human body like mechanics fix an old car.

My main goal is to see this become a reality.

For the non religious, the only goal for people is to increase the amount of options for the future. F = T ∇ Sτ http://www.ted.com/talks/alex_wissner_gross_a_new_equation_f...

I'm agnostic leaning heavily to athiest.

Tools of war are not always obvious. The worst weapon is an idea planted in the mind of man. Prejudices can kill, suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has an everlasting fallout all of its own.

BStep, I read one of your


I read one of your comments that had the line "I see my post as much more focused on the "spiritual crisis" I'm in than the addiction."

I think that's a good place to be because if you are really seeking to know the truth,and the truth being Jesus, He will reveal Himself to you.

John 14:6
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.

I shared my testimony with you earlier in this thread. Thank you for reading it and commenting. You responded "Thanks for the love. I'm glad you found a way to make things work with your husband. That's great you can celebrate that :)."

You're welcome for the love :) The greatest love you can know is God's. I have seen many comments on this thread about love and wonder if those reading know that the Bible tells us God is love.

Please read 1 John 4

I know I shared many links with you and hope that at some point you take the time to read and watch them. Here they are again.

Life’s Ultimate Questions

Living Waters/The Way of the Master (These are about 30 minutes each)
Noah-And the Last Days http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7bPCYizcFM
Evolution vs.God http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0u3-2CGOMQ
"180" Movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y2KsU_dhwI
Genius-The Movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7pe3_VQbUM

The Keith Green Story

Blessings, Tricia

"And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand." Matthew 12:25

Maybe you are looking at

Maybe you are looking at everything from the wrong angle. Try waking in the morning and asking yourself how can I make someones life have meaning. Try putting a smile on someones face. What have you done for someone expecting nothing in return? Just a thought or two.

Cyril's picture

"That which is invoked."

"That which is invoked."


Which maybe begs the question, sometimes :

"invoked"... why, or what for, exactly?

AFAIC, I do find Proverbs 11:1 to be a nice occasion (among many others) of doing so, these days, yes.

"Cyril" pronounced "see real". I code stuff.


"To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous." -- Confucius


My god is quite alive.
I find when I feel alone, it is because I stopped seeking him.
He is always there waiting for me to return.
Waiting to give me purpose.
I will pray for you.

"You only live free if your willing to die free."

Wow, seems many of us

are on this same journey, looking for answers or how to conquer our negative habits.

This is may third attempt to read the bible, soon I will be reaching the new testament and I hope it is better than the old. It is extremely depressing and hard to feel warm and fuzzy after reading about so much killing.

This journey called life is ok it has its ups and downs for me it is like watching a movie and I want to stick around to see how it ends.

I believe there is something greater than myself it is as real as life itself. It is always with me waiting to help when I ask for guidance.

A while back I was going through a difficult time and I prayed for an answer and it came immediately "Grace" it said. I didn't even know what "Grace" meant, I had to look it up and it is not so easy learning to have Grace.

Some days are better than others but I think what I am learning to do is except what is and if this is as good as it gets, that's ok I'm trying and I'm at Peace with myself and the one who watches over me.

BStep your a sweetheart and may your journey lead to a good and positive place where you can look around and see the beauty and love that abounds and all you have to do is reach out.


I recently watched this video and am wondering if it could help you too, if nothing else it was fun watching the fellow draw fast. LOL


"We can see with our eyes, hear with our ears and feel with our touch, but we understand with our hearts."

Not mine.... he shows himself

Not mine.... he shows himself more and more in my life every day.

I've been going through the same thing

...for several years. It's a bit comforting to know that I'm not alone. I've tried several churches in an attempt to find answers and just haven't found them yet. Friends have suggested that I read the Bible, but like you, I find it confusing and contradictory.

I've been reading about the "great year" and "the yugas" which I find fascinating because this info. could be an explanation as to why it's so difficult to comprehend God and all spiritual matters at this time. The theory is that human evolution is not linear, but cyclical. The most evolved age is the golden age, then silver, then bronze, then the dark age - iron. We're presently in the bronze age, ascending. It will be several thousands of years before we reach the next golden age (supposedly God can be comprehended during this age), but at least it's good to know that our ignorance isn't our fault ;-) I found this youtube about the great year if you're interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ulIgFp-9mA

I read this a couple of days ago and found it very uplifting: http://www.lovewisdom.net/Filled%20with%20Light.html

Best wishes to you, BStep. I hope we both can find our way out of the dark and into the light.