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United States to Ban Raw Meat Sales, Following Joint Agency Decision

What started as a ban on raw milk to protect consumer health quickly escalated when the federal health authorities realized just how deadly and polluted American meats are. After all, raw meat, whether beef, pork, or poultry, is actually responsible for a vast majority of food-borne illnesses.

For example, virtually every E. coli infection can be traced back to the unsanitary conditions in which food-producing animals are being raised, processed, transported, stored, and ultimately sold for human consumption.

As a result, the FDA and US Department of Agriculture (USDA) will be joining forces to assure "undisputable safety" of all meats sold to Americans. And the only feasible way to assure pathogen-free meats, the agencies claim, is to ban raw meat sales. The joint agency agenda is reportedly slated to take effect as early as next year, at which point all meats sold within the US will be pre-cooked.

The FDA and USDA fully realize Americans are becoming more dependent on federal parenting as each year passes, and the rules will ensure nearly all foods Americans eat are irradiated, fumigated, and cooked for our safety.


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If you read the last line in the article, it says

"Happy April Fool's Day!"

TwelveOhOne's picture

"Food Digestion Agency"

They'll ultimately do the chewing for you, and the gastric processes, ad nauseum (literally).

(Edit: I said this because cooking is, actually, pre-digesting your food: it breaks down some bonds, making it easier for your body to continue breaking it down and obtain value from it. Hence, if they're cooking it, they're already digesting for us, etc.)

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I love raw meat

I have been known to eat as much as a pound of raw meat in one serving! My favorite meat to consume raw is finely-minced lamb meat, mixed with bulgur and spices, and dressed with olive oil and vegetables, eaten with bread. Our Lebanese friends have made this dish world-famous under the name كبة نية, or kibbeh nayyeh. It is a true delight.

But I do not limit my raw meat consumption there! Following the Lebanese, I eat raw lamb livers and whole raw lamb kidneys. I am looking for raw lamb tail fat, but all of those who raise fat-tailed sheep that I have located do not slaughter lambs for meat. They raise the sheep for wool. Bah!

But I do not limit my raw meat consumption there! I routinely eat raw minced beef acquired from reputable farmers.

But I do not limit my raw meat consumption there! While traveling in the north of Germany, I dined happily on raw pork, which is a delicacy in the traditional cuisine of the region, where it is known as Mett. It is commonly served on a roll as "Mettbrötchen."

I intend to travel to Canada soon in order to enjoy raw horse flesh!

I attribute my extreme virility to my regular consumption of raw or "undercooked" meats. My gonad volume far exceeds the median for a male of my height and age, for example. If you know an endocrinologist, ask if you can borrow his orchidometer, or order one online. In any case, it is pointless, since I already have you beaten. Due to my diet, and my practice of Daoist sexual alchemy (fángzhōngshù), my virility is extreme and unquestioned.


This is one of those rare

This is one of those rare posts that regardless if you are serious or being sarcastic is totally awesome...

We all share this eternally evolving present moment- The past and future only exist as inconsequential mental fabrications.

This is a good idea. They should follow it up with a

ban on eating any foods at all. This could be tested out first by Congress and it if proves beneficial, then it could be extended to all politicians across all 53 states (per Obama) and we would finally be free.


weapons of raw destruction

not cool. ehh

This is crazy!!!

How dare they ban meat?! This is going to create an underground black market for meat, a black meat market, with a culture of violence! This is a fool's errand.

Reminds me of a couple years ago when they tried to ban breast milk.

Not banned but regulated

It would be nonsense to ban breast milk outright, but the devices used to administer the milk to children should be visually and manually examined by an independent, knowledgeable third party contracted by the government, to ensure that there are no sharp edges on which the infant may become injured. I am ready to volunteer to serve my country in this capacity.

Nipple Selection Agency?

Nipple Selection Agency?

Maybe the gov't can ban hospitals too

10s of thousands die in hospitals every year so maybe they should ban hospitals.

Here is my "beef" with April 1st on the DP

It is so freaking difficult to tell the jokes from reality in today's world. This fact is, in and of itself, frightening beyond belief.



April 1st sucks

I'm going to spend my day believing in alien abduction, black helicopters, and slightly used bridges for sale.


Everybody takin' a shot at it

Thing is - even the craziest sounding things you have to look at seriously these days.

Some of the headlines we are gonna see today are a whole less crazy sounding than the real ones. So, it makes me look twice lol

Farm-to-Consumer Sales to Be Eliminated

As an extra measure, all animals will be tagged with transmitters to ensure no direct farm-to-consumer sales will occur. While this may sound drastic to some, it's certainly not new. Tagging of livestock for traceability purposes is already part and parcel of the USDA's Animal Disease Traceability Framework program,2 which regulates interstate sales of livestock.

Food processors have managed to reduce a farmers share of the goods they sell to just 7% of the retail price. This also ensures the continued erosion of the small family farms, where dangerous practices of selling direct to consumer may occur.

The final rule on this program was issued on January 9, 2013. The rule became effective on March 11, 2013. Four years ago, farmers criticized the plan as "draconian" in scope,3 warning it was just another scheme to control the livestock industry and favoring multinational meat packers. Little did they (or anyone else, for that matter) realize this program would become a key tool for banning the sale of raw meat altogether.
Happy April Fool's Day!