40 votes

NOW I will tell you about death.

part of my job as a deputy meant that we picked up dead bodies from the desert.

it is the most gross and disgusting job i have ever done.

As an EMT they tell us if it comes out of a human body we end up wearing it. We get puked on, we get pooped on, we get spat on and we still do our jobs.

OK try getting dead people juice in your mouth. Eeeeeeew.

Know what a human body looks like and tastes like after a week or so?

The lipidic fat gets into our skin and our hair and our fingers to all you taste for weeks is dead decomposing bodies.

But would you believe there is honor in it?

We are your last taxi. And when you see the survivors who cry and thank you.....

thank you

thank you for bringing our loved one home. Our son, our fathers, our mothers, our children....

People come to the mountains to die. We have this natural homing instinct and just like dogs we seek to separate ourselves from our living ones lest predators come and we never want them to see it.

I have seen it dozens of times. And every single DB (cop words for dead body) I remember every single one of their names. Every name is burned into my memory because we have a relationship. I get to bear your body so I only meet you in death.

There is this one "pickup" as we called it and I don't think it will do any harm to tell you that his name was David Labradori.

All unattended deaths to us are by default a homidice until we prove different and this one scnene we got on before the full investigation and what you do is observe from far away. We just don't want to run up and corrupt the crime snece with footprints or our DNA or anything so we approach the scene by circling and communicating what we see. Gathering forensics.

There was some confusion about David Labradori that confused us becaue our intel was that he was a mid level drug pusher and we were not sure. If he did this to himself or if somebody did it to him but he had a vaccum cleaner hose going from the tail pipe of his car and into the cabin where it looked like he planned and meticulously did this.

So here's like half of Yavapai County sheriffs and everybody standing around and my Chief who was the best forensic detective on this continent and nobody could figure it out and I am the little man on this job and I pipe up and say I know this is a suicide.

Everbody looks at me. How do I know?

I say guys look at where his car is pointed.

And everybody looks and looks back at me like what?


And everybody looked and true enough, his car was angled to where the sun rose over the mountains. He died looking at the rising sun.

Well anyways we photo documented the whole scene and it was time to make the approach and I breached the vehicle and say something I will never forget and now that I tell you, you won't either. If you are reading this I guarantee you will never forget.

On his lap was a brand new composition notebook just like the ones us old people useed to get in school with the speckly cover. And he had a pencil in his hand. And the first page on that book, he wrote two words:

Dear Mom

and the whole rest of it was blank. That's as far as he made it. He pointed his eyes to the rising sun and he had this notebook and he intended to tell him mom something.

This is another secret I have kept but with your permission and those of David's ancestors I think I know the rest of his words so it's a dark honor for me to finish them now:

Dear Mom,

Mom I really messed it up this time and i don't know how to tell you but I love you. With much love, your son David. And I am sorry. I am so sorry.




For many years i have kept secrets but this one I now divulge and I wish, perhaps like you that we had got to him just an hour before so that we could share with him the forgiveness of messiah. And now I take the role of his mom and say son, my son, whatever you have done, we can make this right, we can get through this. For you are my son and I love you no matter what. Because i know what a mom is. She always takes our side, she always understands and no matter that, come hell or high water, our moms love us and there is no single thing we can do on this earth that they will not at least try to forgive us for.

So just those two words: Dear Mom utterly convinced us that this was indeed not a homicide but a suicide. And i knew that from 20 feet away.

The reason i telll you this now is because no matter how bad it gets,

no matter what you have done,

we still love you and that will never stop.

If you know a David that has put themselves beyond our capability to forgive you just tell them that this is IMPOSSIBLE AND THEY CAN NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING THAT WE WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO HEAL. AND YOU TELL THEM HEY, WE UNDERSTAND. AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WE CANNOT FORGIVE YOU FOR. For we are all humans and the scope of life shows us all things we would not rather see.

I think this has significance as we face these people that we have hurt so very badly that now they are reacting and they call themselves ISIS/ISIL and if there ever was a bunch of natural born killers, this is them and they hate us with such a passion that they will kill themselves, their mothers and cousins and sisters and aunts and the dog on the corner.

Can I convince you to see that this is a cry for help?

And can i convince you that we can prevent this with love? Even as lost as this situation seems to be, we can't fight death with firearms or death or even nuclear weapons?

The closest thing we can get to perfection is forgiveness. Can you forgive youself?

Cause that is where it starts. But aslso it starts with us forgiving Dave and Dave is just another word for you.

There is nothing, absolutely noting on this Earth that our messiah has not already forgiven you for and now it's up to us to make that real. And this is our greatest power: to unerstand and forgive.

Mitakuye Oyasin,


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So this is pipe song and you have to forgive my lousy

pronunciation. If I offend anybody from Lakota, please forgive me.


Oyate yanipipicktelo!

the people shall live.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.


I willfully, thoughtfully continue in my deception day in day out.
Aware of consequenses, aware of impending pain, aware of the gaping edge of anger and rage.
Thinking each night that tomorrow will be different, a new day.
Life is flying forward at lightening speed. I live each fearful day that my actions will throw me over the edge, never to return.
All the while, acting the part, hopeful, smiling, courageous.
Sad, to be aware in an abstract way, that I am one word, one step, one breath away from absolute horror and pain.
All. by. my. own. hand.
Forgiveness. no, just fear.

and we work with that every day right?

what a beutiful poem. It read like a poem.

Perhaps you can share with the people that it's not a desitnation, it's a travel and we just keep trying to stick with the path every single day, every hour, every minute and it's hard sometimes. But with self-discipline it slowly gets easier.

I'll tell you something I have never shared with this community. I was a stone cold junkie with a needle in my arm. The cost of what this relief brought me was WONDERFUL but I watched almost everybody I know OD and cease.

Once a junkie always a junkie and I don't mind telling you I want it every single day. Every single day I have to try to get back to the songs and just try to not shoot up.

But I leave myself a back door: when I can no longer maintain my health, and when I have done everything I can and when I cannot any longer,

the nature of my illness is horrible and at that time?


AND I'M GONNA WHITE OUT. And I can tell you, to see that blood flash in the syrynge again? And to feel that utter wave of delicious not-pain?

Ho Gods I miss it.

But I will promise you now that I won't do that until the very bitter end and I will live with you because you are that important to me.

And we never met but I can hear your voice.

Oyate yanipiktelo. The People Shall Live.


Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

thank you Smudge,

from the bottom of my heart. Funny, you recognized me for what I am. Funny, it sounded like a poem. I tend to talk about the beast within me as if it some abstract thing instead of what it is, a physical, ever-present nightmare. I have battled this beast before, and won, temporarily. Thing is, this beast is not an addiction of the "popular" kind. Nothing fun, cool, chemical. However it is equally devastating. Devastating. I come from a long line of addicts, some died from it. I am convinced that it is a choice and hereditary all at once. Either way, I struggle. Alone.
Thank you for making me feel not so alone. I live in a world of incredible love. Numerous, numerous people absolutely adore me. Really. And I can't stop. I can't stop the thing that would rip them from me in a matter of seconds. The person and people that I would give my last breath for are blissfully unaware that the beast is back. They pat me on the back publicly and brag about my hard won battles to others that struggle. They tell people of my bravery and strength. They glow about the pride they have for me. And I struggle, like nothing I have ever known. Although the beast I battle is not chemical I have considered picking up a chemical habit or two just to numb the pain. Like, if I could get a lesser addiction for a while. A funner one. Things that stand out to me right now.
1. My love for those around me is a useless tool in this battle. I can't use my love for them as a weapon. It's not working.
2. Just because I am surrounded by love doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm sliding into the pit of hell completely alone.
3. Not really sliding,more like forcefully pushing myself into the abyss.
4. Everyday, I am someone's hero. Wow. It's exhausting.
5. I never intend to hurt anyone, never. And yet, that is the only logical result of the path I'm on. WHY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TO DEFEAT THIS MONSTER!?!?
Why can't I be free of this?
I want to be DONE. Every damn day. And then some little monkey with a little curly ponytail comes up to me and says, "Mom, I need you."
My best friend whispers "I love you, I need you. You're my hero babe."
What's worse? The monster itself or the consequenses that play out like scenes in my head.
Thank you Smudge, for the beautiful post and the beautiful words.
I'm not dead yet, maybe there is a purpose for me. If only I can kill the monster once and for all before it kills me.

Your words are an echo of my heart. Are you sure we aren't


I contest you;

"My love for those around me is a useless tool in this battle."

lols yeah. Useless tools. I thought it would be a useless tool to post as I did but look at you!

I can tell you are one of us by the way you speak. And apparently these things we speak help people even if we are miserable. And we're not done yet, we're trying to get some land to position us on. The fearsome warrior Ed the Phonenix meetup organizer.

And here is what we are gonna do: tell our youngers everthing so that they will rise up and be who we were.

And I want to say I trust you. So I will.

Estas mi sangre e mi familia (spanish)

Por los jentes! Oyate!

and for you.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

(No subject)

Ron Paul is A Man For All Seasons

Michael Nystrom's picture

That was a fabulous

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous film.


He's the man.

I thought so too.

I thought so too.

Ron Paul is A Man For All Seasons

Damn it Smudge, I'm trying. I really am.

Daddy left when I was three.
I seen him a dozen times maybe in the ten years that followed.

Then, he put the vacuum hose on the tailpipe.
And left me forever.

After forty-three years, I am still trying to understand.
And forgive.

But it's hard.
It's so damned hard.

And it hurts. It hurts bad.
Yet and still.

Thank you for your guidance.
You are a spiritual guide of the Ark.


America Rising.
The Constitution Stands.

"That the pen is mightier than the sword would be proven false; if I should take my sword and cut off the hand that holds the pen" - American Nomad

the pipe song

is for you.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

I am so very sorry

There is this one ceremony. It's called "Dry Your Tears". You might have kinda seen it in the movie Dances With Wolves when the father guy walks up to Stands With A Fist and just says "you will mourn no more". That was like the most abbreviated version of the ceremony ever. But there was a reason and that was a person in mourning cannot remarry and they wanted her to marry that guy played by...whatever actor that was. Man my memory is going to crap.

Anyways your line is not done and perhaps you can have kids and not do that to them. This will honor your ancestors and they are the ones, with your help, that will heal your pop.

There's another thing you can do with Dry Your Tears and it's Medicine Bundle. You take most of the memorabilia, his posessions and bundle them up in an animal hide or a blanket and some say to hide it in a place you will never go again. Others sometimes return to this place to bring them food and water but it's a sacred place and you never tell anybody else where this place is. It's a secret. So you can see how this almost mechanically helps us move past.

Maybe the hardest thing would be to forgive him. But that's not something I want to impel you to do. You do that when and if you are ready. But it will pave the way for you to meet him in the Next Place and maybe them he will have an opportunity to explain to you why he left you, his precious son. And you will understand.

And again, if you can perpetuate your line, this will honor your family and raise you up.

Oh yeah just one more thing: smudge. Smudging is a purification ceremony where you wash your body with the smoke of a cleansing plant like sage or cedar or tobacco. I recommend sage because evil hates it and goodness likes it and if there is a negative spirit attached to this, sage will drive it out of range.

Bless your feet as they walk. Bless your hands and your gentle head. Bless your body. I leave no part of you unblessed.

"Ancestors look down upon us with favor and accord our actions as righteous."


Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Thank you Smudge, for all your blessings; given and received.

It took me a few days to process it all.
I feel that I'm pointing in a more correct direction now.

I have dealt with this, reached an understanding of sorts.
Now, I just have to let it go.

Your words will truly help me in doing so.
I cannot thank you enough, brother.


America Rising.
The Constitution Stands.

"That the pen is mightier than the sword would be proven false; if I should take my sword and cut off the hand that holds the pen" - American Nomad

To elicit love from death

Is surely a brilliant act from a spiritual mind.

You are drawing closer.

I felt that I should say

I felt that I should say something about this, but I can't think of anything useful. Anyway I read it, and it really got to me. I'm gonna miss you a lot when we finally get to Ararat.

If you ever want to chat, me and Stonewall and Jacci and some others sometimes chat here.


Andrew Napolitano for President 2016!

"Patriotism should come from loving thy neighbor, not from worshiping Graven images." - ironman77

that was one of the more honest things i ever heard

I can relate. Sometimes we wanna say something but we don't know the words. And it's the old "what do you say at a time like this?"

Words fail us but as Red Roaders that's why we are given the songs. For someone once said a friend is someone that knows the song in your heart and they can teach it to you in case you forget the words.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

To tell the truth

I almost cried a little. But don't tell anyone.

Andrew Napolitano for President 2016!

"Patriotism should come from loving thy neighbor, not from worshiping Graven images." - ironman77

Michael Nystrom's picture

Oh wow, you've broken it wide open

There's a scene in that movie Pollack


about Jackson Pollack, where his wife, Lee Krasner sees one of his first "action paintings," where he drips the paint on the canvas instead of brushing it. And she says, "Jackson, you've broken it wide open."

He broke through.

You broke through. This is the message. I was just writing about this when I stopped to read yours.

Liberty needs a shaman. We will not be led to Liberty through reason. The heart always wins over the head.

Ron Paul had heart. That's why we're all here.

He's the man.

I'll tell you a secret.

I don't know how indian I am. There's no way I can prove it. There are two inputs: Tahin and what I very very strongly suspect is Llennappe/Algonquinn but a relative recently told me that the Tahin thing (Puerto Rico), well it turns out we were Methodist missionaries from the Canary Islands.

And like you have got to be dipping me.

So that was like 50% of the explanation for why me and my brothers all have brown hair and brown eyes and we have this very subtle skin pigmentation. We're not all white. We're mostly white.

And I guess this adds up to another Smudge Pot lie. So then I think perhaps I'm a reincarnated indian. In fact the more I think about it, I'm not sure what I am. Maybe I'm part pellican or giraffe. The more I think about it the less sure I am. So thinking can occasionally be utterly useless.

Sometimes all I can do is turn up mine eyes to my ancestors and say "you put this love-fire in my heart. I do not have the power to call myself, all I have is the ability to answer the call. And I will tell you that no other relgion, no other lifestyle, no other songs, no other medicine brings me peace like the Red Road.

Wopi La Tunka, I have spoken from the heart.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

Death is nothing special...

Everyone does it.

However, not everyone lives. That's the best part.

Leave the footprint of life deep rather than shallow.

Killing is easy.

Living is hard.

Any dipshit with a gun can shoot someone.

How many can play Beethoven's 5th Symphony?

How many could have composed it originally?

How many could have originally devised the theories of Relativity?

Humanity should focus on the hard stuff instead of the easy stuff.

Death is dull and overdone.

Good God!

That was intense.

"We have allowed our nation to be over-taxed, over-regulated, and overrun by bureaucrats. The founders would be ashamed of us for what we are putting up with."
-Ron Paul

This reminded me of Corrie Ten Boom's

challenge when a former guard from Ravensbruck concentration camp asked her for forgiveness. That was the camp where her sister Betsie had died a slow terrible death.


wow i saw that movie as a kid

really deeply moving eh?

And I like that name Ten Booms.

We have numerology in native america and our favorite numbers are 4, 7 and 12. So what's 10?

It's one more than 9 and I think they used up the 9. Like the 9 lives of a cat.

Sometimes making it through just takes one little more bump up, one more increment. The important thing is she survived to tell us the story so sometimes 1 is the only number we need.

Mitakuye Oyasin.

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

true freedom

Thanks, that really touched me, especially after reading Smudge's story. Good timing. I coincidentally spoke earlier this evening about the need to release all hostages to be sane and free. It's all so insane [until we forgive]. Smudges story got me from one side, and Corrie Ten Boom's got me from the other, a healthy squeeze play on me. :D I've been there locked in the intoxication of anger and resentment, poisons I drink while I'm waiting for my enemy to die. If Corrie could turn the key on such a lock, so can I. Unforgiving people know no freedom. My eyes still water [happily] when I think of MLK saying that he wished to relieve hateful bigots of their suffering.

Thanks for sharing that.

Forgiveness is I think such an important topic and the only way to achieve peace of mind..I think you might appreciate these words taken from the video linked at the bottom of this post:

Conscience vs Pride

What is the meaning of life?
I think it is the fact that we have a conscience,which is our inner sense of right and wrong,good and evil,better or worse,fair or unfair and just or unjust.We know our conscience is real,whether we believe in God or not.Some people call conscience the law of human nature.But there are other parts of our nature that are in conflict with our conscience.A few examples would be greed,hatred,selfishness and jealously .It seems these examples are all related to the main culprit that conflicts with our conscience. It is called pride, which is described as an inflated sense of self-importance or self-righteousness.

Pride is what makes us reluctant to admit it when we are are wrong as well as cause hatred,jealousy,lust for revenge,lust for money and lust for power.Pride is what makes us unwilling to forgive or show mercy to others.Pride is what makes us think of excuses to try to justify something we know is wrong.Pride might even cause you to dislike this message.LOL

Pride can cause us to dislike people we don't even know who live thousands of miles away.This is because we might feel proud of a certain "group" we think we belong to.This "group "may be one that is based on race,religious denomination,a political party or some other chosen belief system that prevents one from questioning things and seeking truth.Pride has enabled people in positions of power to convince others to willingly commit horrible acts of violence throughout history.

Some people have committed horrible acts of violence because they felt "shamed","dissed" or "disrespected".In other words,someone or something has offended their sense or feeling of pride.Maybe pride is the most destructive force to the human race and many people are not even aware that it exists.

But there is hope for us.Just simply being aware of pride can help us.We all have pride and every soul is a battlefield.One simple victory over pride can help us.Why not apologize to someone you have done wrong?.Why not forgive someone who has done you wrong?What do you have to lose?Your pride.

Are you angry with a friend or family member?Would you feel so angry with them if you were at their funeral?Probably not,as you would most likely feel great compassion for them.Why not give them compassion,mercy and forgiveness while they are still with us?

Have you ever heard of the golden rule?The golden rule says to treat others the way you would like to be treated.What if you tried to live your life by the golden rule and treated others with kindness,forgiveness and mercy.What if you admit and repent of your mistakes and the wrong things you have done ,said, and thought?What if you swallow your pride and let your conscience be your guide to truth and to what is right or wrong.In the end,do you actually think you would regret living this way?You decide.......

Hopefully,this message will help someone change their life for the better. Please share this message if you think it would be helpful to anyone.Thank You

touching post Smudge


One day, I'm gonna' change my name to Dale Lee Paul

gaylbaby's picture

Thank you, Smudge.

This is perfect, and such a generosity for you to share it with us.
Bless you.

+ 1

I have a gut feeling my friend that if every human being on this long abused planet read your post a new world would come.

LL on Twitter: http://twitter.com/LibertyPoet
sometimes LL can suck & sometimes LL rocks!
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

Felt the same way after reading this post

Thank you

and here I seem to be a big wheel

in native america i am so low on the totem pole that i hardly exist. I think my true native name must be "hey go get us coffee" or "fetch a pail of water".

Be brave, be brave, the Myan pilot needs no aeroplane.

I think your Indian name was

more like "hey let's go get coffee". And you would explain such a cool name to the people who asked like it was no big deal- "i brought people coffee". That's awesome.