52 votes

I Am Going Through My Second Divorce, Ten Years After The First.

My wife filed for it last week, after only five years of marriage.

The fact is I do have personal issues that have made her unhappy for longer than she can handle.

She is a mother and I am a father. We must give each other happiness, first, for our kids' balance.

I love her with all my heart, and I know she is still my friend because she is very supportive of me for my taking better care of myself.

As I want to save our marriage, I hope I will have been able to do it for myself and for her - in her eyes, in her recovered happiness - by the end of the 6 month cool off period of the procedure.

I am going to be off this site for a while.

Well ordered charity starts with and for self.

I love you all on here, good people, for your sharing in and for liberty.

Peace.



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Cheaper to keep her!

I believe in the opposite! You will have your mind back and will not be burdened with someone who doesn't really want to be with you which actually will enable you to be productive.

God grant me the serenity to

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Please take care of yourself and

stay strong! Keep you and your child in mind with positive and mature actions. That will also help your wife maybe see things differently in time.

NOSHEEPLE

Being still friends is to your great advantage, and hers...

as well as to the children. It seems from what you have said she might be willing to work it out. It will take, however, an admission of the ways you believe you have hurt her, your sincere apology, and an effort to change. None of these are easy, I know. All people have a tendency (either great or small) to excuse behavior, I sure am no exception to this. But it is one of the greatest stumbling blocks to a relationship there is.

There is lots of great advice under mine, including treat her as you did when you were courting, and others. Love her and the children as well, we all will be rooting for you and her. I pray God will remind her of why she married you in the first place and that you will work it out. We will miss you here at DP, but first things first.

"Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~~C.S. Lewis
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

I humbly share some thoughts

Often I see people enter marriage for convenience--to end the pestering from family, as a show of achievement (a life milestone), to partake in conjugal delights, and even for a government tax reprieve. Then there are marriages that form from pithy love where happiness from pleasure of the senses or of the mind drives the temporal commitment. Such a state seems ephemeral to me as the senses dull and the mind wanders. And so it seems ironic that a marriage for convenience may sometimes outlast the marriage of the latter.

Then there is marriage with purpose. Purpose is our utmost goal. Of course if the purpose is for convenience, then any inconvenience would tend to dissolve the marriage. If not for convenience, why marry and for what purpose? How does a marriage with purpose compare to one formulated by our current popular culture? In my estimation, our popular culture equates happiness with pleasure and looks at discomfort as a vice. If purpose can be found in our popular culture, it is surely this: seek out happiness and avoid hardship. If it were not for its intrinsically self-absorbed sense of awareness, this hedonistic exhortation seems a most sensible mantra. Purpose, then, involves more than being self-aware; Purpose is about being fully aware and it invariably means asking what is the reason for life?

If the purpose for marriage is for rearing children, then perhaps we can count on the marriage to last eighteen years or so. A couple married with such purpose will find happiness in the development of their children through their triumphs and foibles. Notice that happiness here is not devoid of pleasure but can taste the joy in the growing pains of life. But when the children grow up, where does the marriage go?

If the purpose for marriage is for life long companionship, then perhaps we can count on the marriage to last "till death do us part." And yet, these secular soul mate unions derive their drive from maintaining an equilibrium of satisfaction (or dissatisfaction). For if the purpose is for companionship, the cycle will be a constant adding of salt and water to taste. And perhaps it is enough to live as play mates until our last breath...

But if we ask, what is the reason for life? We may wander on and ask, what is beyond this life? At this point we might ponder on the soul. For if there is nothing beyond this life, there is no soul and if there is no soul, then no soul mate. And the ebb and flow of play mates would seem the most sensible course to chart on the waters of Life. But if there is purpose to this life, it is assuredly to live for Love. The soul is a vessel that seeks to be filled with Love and shared for Love. If marriage is entered for the temporal trappings of love without the soul, when the trap is unexpectedly sprung, we see love come hither and then away. If marriage is entered for the Eternal, for Love, then our life is more directed and less likely to go astray. For once we have this general purpose, our specific calling will be easier to discern; a marriage shared by two soul mates becomes one shared by two soul ministers who will care for one another in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and thus becomes the support for a full and meaningful life.

Perhaps my thoughts are a bit esoteric? Maybe we can glean some wisdom from Kahlil Gibran and his thoughts on marriage.

That's deep bro.

That's deep bro.

“Let it not be said that no one cared, that no one objected once it’s realized that our liberties and wealth are in jeopardy.”
― Ron Paul

pre-marriage counseling

Before my wife and I got married we had some counseling from three ministers for a year. One thing we both agreed on was that marriage was for life, not something to be taken lightly, and that it was a three way relationship, myself, my spouse, and God. Its been six years and we have had lots of fights, disagreements, and have lots of things we don't like about each other. But we still hold on because we need each other. My strengths complement her weaknesses, and her strengths complement my weaknesses. Through the rough times, God has softened my hard edges through my wife, making me less rigid and judgmental. And God has shattered the naivety of my wife and taught her to not care what others think through me. I have learned people cant change people, we can only change ourselves.

I believe there is always hope. I hope you can get through this rough time.

jobob_0

REBT

I wish you the best Cyril

I wish you and your family the best Cyril. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask.

Man-Hug.

& a couch, if you ever need one 'round here.

One day, I'm gonna' change my name to Dale Lee Paul

Did you ask her why? Did you

Did you ask her why? Did you talk to her about the possibility of working things out?

Make sure emotional satisfaction is not an issue

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

http://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Five-Love-Lan...

learning to provide another with emotional satisfaction often requires a conscious effort.

Me, I am always glad-handing. I have learned that others are satisfied with honest gestures of quality time, or affirmation or a gift or an act of service. One in five chance the other has the same needs.

I started with understanding why I was emotionally satisfied.

Best wishes Cyril, from Paul.

Free includes debt-free!

Thanks for sharing this news

with us Cyril. I know it can be hard to be vulnerable and let others know about the down times and tough seasons in our lives; but I'm glad you did.
It's inspiring for us to read you have made a plan, you have a strategy & you're going to attempt to effect change. And starting at a point from when the chips are down, coming from behind, it seems to take even more commitment & courage. So thank you for your example and i'll pray for you and your family.

From your posts & comments, which i love, i find you exceedingly smart and someone with a terrifically intelligent sense of humor. I pray these traits aid you in this time. Try to find a reason to laugh or at least smile every day as you go through this; it's good for you.

ps. i loved the journal comment below & i think your wife would cherish it. i know i would. :)

time is wasted in minutes not hours

egapele's picture

This site does have a way of stealing our attention

from our loved ones, just as deacon said below. There's so much great advice here on this thread.

Keep your chin up and hang in there, day by day.

Thanks Cyril

For introducing me to the wonders of prime numbers!

Debbie's picture

Take good care Cyril...

It sounds like you can work it out. Hopefully we will see you back in a little while..

Debbie

Stay strong brother

This can still work out and you sound very grounded about the situation which is so important.

Wish you both and your children the best outcome for everyone's sake.

peAce

Liberty = Responsibility

Michael Nystrom's picture

Very sorry to hear it Cyril

Lots of love to you and your family.

He's the man.

So sorry

It hurts to read this; long before I joined, I loved reading your comments, and I knew you hadn't been around as much lately, but everybody has things to cope with, and I hoped you were just life-busy. All the posters below show you still have a place to let your head hang out for a while, if needed.

Sorry to hear that.

I hope you can workout a solution and stay together.

Want to save it?

Buy the "The System" book from DocLove.com .. he also has free weekly advice: http://doclovedatingtipsforguys.com/category/dating-tips-for...

and a free radio show. You will not regret it, even if it doesn't save this marriage.

I'm very sorry Cyril.

Please cry out to God--the Creator of marriage. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Christians should not be warmongers! http://www.lewrockwell.com/vance/vance87.html

I hope you can save it my

I hope you can save it my friend. You probably don't need my advice, but just in case in might benefit anyone on the 'net...

  • Avoid attorneys like the plague.
  • Refuse to use the state to inflict harm upon one another.
  • Offer to reach private agreement and put it in writing if you must.

Mainstream Americans are unlikely to follow any such advice. Females especially are conditioned to believe the state will be their savior. And often divorces are so emotional that people want to hurt each other. The parasites are only too willing to comply. :(

I truly hope you can fix your personal issues in time.

...Be rooting for you.

Not a nice situation to be

Not a nice situation to be in, I'm sure. In my own (possibly warped) opinion, people are not meant to be married anyway. Marriages and families are things invented by "society" to relieve others of the burden of raising children without parents.

Side with 1controversialchick here

sorry, this does qualify as one of, if not the, most insane comments seen at DP for a while.

"Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~~C.S. Lewis
Love won! Deliverance from Tyranny is on the way! Col. 2:13-15

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The cheese stands alone. The proof is in the pudding.

egapele's picture

Ah, yes, "It Takes A Village"

For the longest time I thought you were here for Hillary, now I know for sure!!!

Most insane comment I've ever

Most insane comment I've ever seen on DP. I'm sure it doesn't comfort Cyril in the least.

Christians should not be warmongers! http://www.lewrockwell.com/vance/vance87.html

totally

wowzer