GOP Press Release

When I look at what's been happening in Georgia, Nevada, and so many other states, I wonder, why even bother having these conventions? Why not save the time and money and expense of the dog and pony show, and just issue a press release, like, oh, this:

National GOP Names Their Nominee

(AP) - In an effort to streamline the bothersome and time-consuming convention process, GOP leadership (names classified) have opted to do away with delegates altogether this election year, and go straight to the announcement of the party nominee.

"It saves times and money, not to mention all the wear and tear on my Gucci slingbacks," stated delegate Dee Lusional. "Really, I'm thankful that I don't have to schlepp all the way to the conventions anymore, and can simply tune in to the nominee announcement which comes on TV right after American Idol, which is really handy. Why haven't we always done it this way?"

At a news conference held in a secure location (location name classified) today, reporters asked the GOP leadership (names classified) why they decided to take this new approach to the election process. "Well, first off, because we can, since we say so, and there's nothing you or anybody can do about it," she said, tossing her head with a gay laugh and sparkling eyes; her demeanor then changed into a more sober tone with a voice of confidentiality as she continued, "and also because, really, with something as serious and important as choosing the leader of our nation, well, come on, do you really want that choice left up to the people? I sure wouldn't. This way, the Republican voters can rest easy, knowing that their party -- who has only their best interests in mind! -- have already taken care of all the little niggling details-- ooh, can I say "niggling?" You know, I mean "pesky" -- anyway, we've got it alllll handled, so they needn't worry their pretty little heads about anything. We've got this boxed up and gift wrapped and we're delivering it to our Republicans with a big, shiny red bow! I think they'll appreciate all our hard work, really I do."

When asked about the other Republican candidate currently running for the GOP nomination, the GOP leadership (names classified) at first looked around and whistled softly, as if they were waiting for a bus and hadn't heard the reporter's question. Eventually, one man (name classified) spat out, "Than damned Ron Paul! He's making a mess of everything!!" He didn't get much further than that in his comments, as several members of the GOP leadership (names classified) donning earpieces and sunglasses quickly surrounded the man and escorted him to the water table. "He's had a bit too much sun," one of the helpful escorts (name classified) announced through tightly pressed lips.

The rest of the group shuffled uncomfortably around a bit, until one of them (name classified) confessed, "Well, yeah, there's that upstart who thinks he's in the race, but we all know better. We know who's really in the race because we control the race, and that...that man..." (Here she started trembling a bit.) "...that man is really starting to rankle me. I mean, we have to look at his signs everywhere we go; he gets all these people just showing up at all his rallies for nothing -- I mean, no one has to pay them a penny, and they just show up! You know, I'll bet it's all the same group of people, travelling all around the country, showing up at every rally he has; I'll just bet that's it. A bunch of basement-dwelling internet geeks with nothing better to do with their time than trot around after that ol' washed-up geezer who's older than the hills; who does he think he is, anyway; he's not going to last much longer, but he thinks he could be president of this country!"

Our reporter pointed out to this woman (name classified) that McCain is only one year Ron Paul's junior, and has had serious illnesses to deal with. The late-middle-aged woman waved away the statement. "Well, that don't matter, anyway. All that matters is, that Ron Paul, he's a phony. I mean it. He is obviously a phony. You know, they say he has supporters who will even post on chat rooms and go door-to-door to spread the word about him? Can you believe that?? [laughs]. Come on, now; I've been to his official web site, and they don't even offer points for people to post positive comments about him, so obviously, this is a hoax!"

Some delegates were disappointed at the announcement.

"I've gone to conventions for the past 32 years, and now all that I've worked so hard for over the years is gone in a flash," delegate Ken Undrum sighed. "After all the relationships I've built up over the years, fraternizing and schmoozing and boozing and wearing those neat styrofoam straw hats and swimming in a sea of red, white and blue balloons, and forgetting which hotel room was mine..." (Here he laughed the quiet chuckle of fond remembrances.) I don't know what we're gonna do now, without the convention and all. Guess we're going to have to invite folks over for our own party!" Asked how he felt about the impact this new approach of forgoing delegates and conventions might have on the selection of the party nominee, he looked perplexed and asked what that had to do with the party nominee at all.

It would appear that this progressive plan of simply announcing the party's nominee may indeed be welcomed. If this proves to be the success it seems destined for, GOP party leaders (names classified) are willing to discuss with Democratic party leaders (names classified) opportunities for streamlining the voting process in November, and having both parties work together to come up with a jointly-decided President and Vice President, whisking away the need for any presidential election fuss at all.

Our reporter jokingly asked if the Republicans and Democrats might decide on the winner based on which of them wins a poker hand. A member of GOP leadership (name classified) laughed heartily, "Oh, no! That would be flat-out silly!

"Most likely, we'd use a game of Bunko."