The Daily Joke Thread!

Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.

Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger.

Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO....

Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.

His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"

The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"

The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2959

not really funny...jokes on us ;- (

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"Thomas Jefferson is rolling in his grave fast enough to be a new source of energy independence."~ samthurston

http://www.campaignforliberty.com/

This was posted on another thread about manhood by lynnopoly. It is so funny I thought it should be on the joke thread.

http://s221.photobucket.com/albums/dd168/jesse_m_album/?acti...

I was out in town with my pen and paper. I'd see people and would ask them their name. When they told me their name I would write it down on my piece of paper. I seen this real big guy and sized him up for a minute or so and asked him what his name was. He told me, so I wrote it down. Then, he asked me what I was doing. I replied that I was making a list off all the people that I could whip their ass. He crossed his arms and stood up straight and said: "well, I just don't think you could whip my ass." I sized him up one more time and said: "Well, I guess I'll just have to take your name off the list."

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen . I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

There are two positions to be in when it comes to the current market crisis: Cash and fetal......

Are on a flight.

Bush says, I am going to throw 100 $20.00 bills out the window and make 100 people happy.
McCain says I'll throw out 200 $10.00 bills and make 200 people happy.
Obama says I'll throw out 400 $5.00 bills and make 400 people happy.

The pilot says to the co-pilot, I am going to throw all three of them out and make 153 million people happy!

!!!Truth is treason in the EMPIRE OF LIES!!!

1978 : Long hair
2008: Longing for hair

1978 : Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux

1978 : Moving to California because it's cool
2008 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1978 : Seeds and stems
2008: Roughage

1978 : Hoping for a BMW
2008: Hoping for a BM

1978 : Going to a new, hip joint
2008: Receiving a new hip joint

1978 : Rolling Stones
2008: Kidney Stones

1978 : Disco
2008: Costco

1978 : Passing the drivers' test
2008: Passing the vision test

out comes a genie. "I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your mother in law will get twice as much."

The man is thrilled! He has a shrew for a mother in law, but so what! He first wishes for a big, beautiful mansion. POOF!
"YEEEEEE-AHHHHH!!!!" The man hears his wife screech with glee as she finds herself in their new home.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - Hahahahahaha!!!" He hears his mother in law screech twice as loudly, and turns to see her mansion across the street, twice as big and twice as beautiful as his.

Hmmmmm.... "My second wish is to be rich beyond measure" he thinks this may be a loophole.... POOF!
"Woo-hoo!!!" He hears his wife hoot for joy, as money begins to pour out of the windows and doors of his new mansion.

"WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!" He hears the shrew hoot twice as loudly, and turns to see solid gold coins pouring from the windows or her new mansion that is twice as big and twice as beautfiul as his.

Hmmmmmm.....

"My third wish is for you to beat me half to death."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

"Observe the masses,and do the opposite."

A: About 5 pounds.. and that includes the urn. www.birdforsenate.com