Daily Joke thread - post your jokes here! Sometimes we need some humor in the midst of where our country is headed.
Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson a priest and a boy scout are all flying to a seminar in Washington. All of a sudden there is a mayday from the captian the plane has been sabotaged and it is going to go down. The Problem is there are only 3 parachutes.
So they are sitting there deciding who is going to take the parachutes and Obama steps up and says I am the President and must take care of my country I gotta live. He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
Jesse Jackson steps up and says shit I gotta live I am the smartest mofo in the whole wide world. He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The priest looks at the boyscout and says, well son you take the last parachute God will be my savior. The boyscout looks at the priest and says that's ok father because the smartest mofo in the world just grabbed my napsack we still got 2 more parachutes.
Heres a short one
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
a fsh.
"A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself within" W. Durant
Humor on the markets
The markets are going down like Obama's mama on a Kenyan. Sorry, just had to say it.
OK, ok, I'll bite
A minister, a rabbit, and a Wiccan priestess decided to show some unity and go fishing together. So they're out on the lake in the boat when the minister notices they are running out of worms.
"Let me go get more," he said, and he gets out of the boat, walks across the water, gets the worms from the dock, and walks back.
The rabbi is flabbergasted. The priestess keeps on fishing.
An hour later, it's lunchtime, and the priestess notices they have also forgotten their lunches.
"I'll go get the lunches," she said, and she gets out of the boat, walks across the water, gets their lunches from the dock, and walks back.
The rabbit is even more astonished. The minister keeps on fishing.
The rabbit then says, "I gotta try this!" So he gets up, steps out of the boat, and promptly falls in the water.
As he's splashing around, furious, the minister looks at the priestess and asks,
"Should we tell him about the stepping stones?"
And then...
The priestess replies,
"What stepping stones?"
(For some reason the original used "rabbit" instead of "rabbi"--my damn fingers, I guess!)
Bailout means: Your Boat Is Sinking !
There's only one slightly good thing about losing my job: I'm not generating taxes for that stupid Bailout crap.
So, do we get our universal health care cards this week or next?
Bush's biggest regret: "That I couldn't amend the Constitution so I could serve 8 more years to finish the job."
As we say goodbye to George W. Bush, let us remember fondly the one thing he did well: speak.
* Mission Truly Accomplished
I'm based in Ireland right now
and Brian Cowen is the Irish "President"
This is "Cowen's Prayer"
I came across this prayer that I want to share with you in these troubled times:
COWEN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE FINE GAEL (the opposition party).
HE GUIDETH ME TO THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
COWEN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE
DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM IRISH,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND COWEN WAS A TREE.
(I guess we're all in the same boat ;)
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"The essence of freedom is the proper limitation of government". ~ Founding Fathers
Boycott Israeli goods!
http://www.inminds.co.uk/boycott-leaflet.html
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"The essence of freedom is the proper limitation of government". ~ Founding Fathers
Ben Bernanke, Alan
Ben Bernanke, Alan Greenspan, Henry Paulson and Tim Gheitner are all traveling in a motorcade when faulty wiring in their Chrysler explodes and they all die.
Ben, Alan and Henry all die instantly but Tim dies a day later in the hospital. When Tim gets to hell he starts to walk around and sees Henry standing in crap up to his knees.
Tim says "Oh Henry, you really have it bad."
Henry responds with "You think I have it bad, you should see Ben"
After searching around Tim finds Ben who is standing in crap up to his chest.
Tim says "Oh Ben, you really have it bad"
Ben says "If you think I have it bad you should see Alan."
Tim says "Where is Alan, I couldn't find him."
Ben says "I am standing on his shoulders.
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Relief
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.
Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell are actually right next to each other.
They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed.
The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You can't take my property. You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure, go ahead and try" laughed Satan. "Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
The Octo-Slam
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering
a new breakfast meal: The Octo-Slam. You get fourteen
eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
The Reverend John Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.
.
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"The essence of freedom is the proper limitation of government". ~ Founding Fathers
Boycott Israeli goods!
http://www.inminds.co.uk/boycott-leaflet.html
----------------------------------
"The essence of freedom is the proper limitation of government". ~ Founding Fathers
Very old man
A very old man walks into a pharmacy and wanders around for awhile and then finally shuffles up to the pharmacist and asks: "Where ya keep the condoms, Sonny?"
The pharmacist points to a display "Right there, sir."
The old man grabs a big box and sets it on the counter. "I'll take these".
The pharmacist is a little taken aback and says: "Are these for you?"
The old man answers in an irritated voice "No, they're for the Pope. 'COURSE they're for me, boy."
The pharmacist is even more curious now. "Do you mind if I ask how old you wife is?"
"Who said she's my wife? But she's 86 if you must know."
The pharmacist responds "Well, sir, your girlfriend is certainly past her child-bearing years. You don't need these."
The old man snaps back "Well I KNOW that, ya durn fool. She just likes the smell of burning rubber!"
Too bad this is generally true- - - -
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
>
Smokey
Why can't Smokey the Bear have children?
Because everytime his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel!
Biggest joke of the day
One Bad A** Mistake America
"In the beginning of a change, the Patriot is a scarce man, brave, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a Patriot." -Mark Twain
My Joke:
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya going to do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
he farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work
Dum Joke
A guy is chatting up a dumb but 'natural' blonde. "I bet you $10 that you dye your hair"?
A week later they meet in the same bar. The guy sais "Yo hair gone black since last week"
Blond: "Yeah and I owe you $10"
'I always thank of all you canvassors and precinct leaders and delegates who were at the front line and caucuses.
Good luck out there &Thank you. You're a gift.
'I always thank of all you canvassors and precinct leaders and delegates who were at the front line and caucuses.
Good luck out there &Thank you. You're a gift.
Ok, seems like religious jokes are getting popular on here.
I am a Christian, but I like them too.
Here's one:
Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
Answer: Because they might be accused of dancing.
Another:
A guy dies and goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Peter starts giving him a tour of heaven. They walk by one group of people praying and singing. He explains they were catholics. Then by another group of people singing and praying, they are presbyterians. This goes on and on, until St. Peter says to the guy " now don't talk by the next group, and walk very quietly". So they do, and it is a very large group, and they are singing and praying loudly.After passing this group the man asks why they had to be quiet. St Peter answers " Oh, they were Baptists and they think they are the only ones here."
what
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway.
A Presbyterian minister....
....is hunting bear.
He shoots at the bear and misses.
He runs away from the charging bear, falls and breaks both of his legs.
With his last breath before a certain death he prays, "Lord please make this bear a Christian".
As the bear approaches the fallen minister he falls to his knees, folds his paws and says......
"Lord, I thank you for the food which you have provided me with".
Oh whew..
and here I thought that you were going to say the bear sodomized the minister.
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Brotherly Cowboy
A cowboy from Nevada, who is visiting Wyoming, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Nevada, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
HEHEHEHAHAHA!!!
HEHEHEHAHAHA!!!
Hey did you get my email?
=]
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Q: How do you save a NWO
Q: How do you save a NWO puppet from drowning?
A: You don't.
Q: How do you get a one armed Keynesian out of a tree?
A: Wave to him
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I always appreciate a
good laugh and believe in the healing/balancing power of humor. Anyway, the following isn't really a joke, it's a youtube video of my silly nephew, Aaron..dressed as Mike Myers, being interviewed. I hope y'all enjoy it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nyp3-cfNVCY
Berwick, Columbia County, Pennsylvania
Ron Paul 2012 - The People's Choice
rEVOLution SuperPAC: http://www.revolutionpac.com/
WTP Federal Lawsuit to BAN ALL ELECTRONIC VOTING
http://www.wethepeoplefoundation.org/UPDATE/Update2011-07-26...
What does a tornado and a Pennsyltucky divorce
have in common?
___________________
Either way, someone is losing a trailer.
What
? Pennsylvanians have trailers?
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